Can You Win

Please read... Any feedback would be great.

 

Grey clouds over my existence

i am what you made me.

And the rain keeps falling

the skies darken our surroundings

there is no more day or night now

only time

 

but there is a silver lining

can you see

 

She's there in my dreams

speaking

calling

my name,

an unfamiliar sound

I've heard too often

spoken from lips i know too well

 

Telling me that it's okay

do you hear

 

Unwelcome and

unwanted

blood rushing up through the veins

tingling into a life

less lived

Perhaps wasted one could say

 

But filled with possibility

Do you feel

 

A weary body

pain consumed your better judgement

for the last time

Blank,

expressionless eyes

staring into a strange abyss

And its the finish line you see.

and u better

Ask yourself

 

Will you just give in

Or

Will you fight and win?

Reviews

[...]

. this is beautiful ... and i ask myself that question all the time ... my heart says ... the momentum of pain is not for mere human to transcend ... my head says ... it can be done ... several others have done it ... i reflect ... and then i realize ... that "patience in adversity" is a valuable tenet ... because there's a lesson that life's constantly trying to teach us ... and that's developing a commitment to maintaining peace ... internally and externally ... at all costs ... just my thoughts ... after reading this exquisite piece of poetry which is truly uplifting ...

[sivan]

Hey. Firstly thanks for the response but more to answer your question, it was and wasn't intentional. I wrote the poem in this form knowingly, i like to experiment with different uses of grammar in poetry but i don't ever put a name to it mainly because i don't have the words. So i learnt something new today... capitalism... Thanks again

[Miranda Manne]

I'm quite interested in your use of capitalization here, as it really helps and effects the flow of the poem. Did you experiment with form like that on purpose? If you did, excellent. If you didn't, study it here. You seem to have used capitalized letters to create your thought patterns instead of punctuation.

I found myself nodding at the end of the work, which means I was actually able to ASK myself the question you were posing to your readers, as opposed to just reading it off the page. Very engaging.