Dancing Days

We sing and dance

Waving our arms like the river-reeds

Our bodies sweeping this way and that

Like the ebb and flow of the tide.

Your mouth is open

Singing along to a classic song

That we claimed as ours

Before the years flew by.

Never have I felt so alive

Than I do in this moment

And I rue the day when I

Let myself get carried away.

But lost years are forgotten

When I am with you

So let's dance and sing

Like we did in our youth.

Reviews

[JayG]

I have to ask: What's in it for the reader? In this piece, you talk of an unknown "we" who are doing things for unknown reasons. And you address the reader, directly, as if they know what you're referencing.

Perhaps, where the subject of this piece to read it, it would be meaningful to them. But when you say, "Your mouth is open Singing along to a classic song." who's being addressed, and what does that person see as "classic?" and why is it significant? You know. They know. The reader? Not a clue. But shouldn't it be meaningful to them as-they-read?

Think about it. What can "Like we did in our youth," mean to someone who's 27?

My point is that you're using the fact-based and author-centric approach of nonfiction — the only kind of writing skills we were given in school. But that approach, by design, is outside-in, dispassionate, and incompatible with the goal of poetry, which is to move our reader, emotionally. The tools and techniques of poetry grant the power to make the reader feel the human emotions you choose, simply by your selection and placement of words. Done well, you have the power to make someone you will never meet weep, or laugh, and do that in the same poem. That is a superpower...if, you take the time to acquire the skills.

As E. L. Doctorow puts it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” Unfortunately that takes more than the school-day skills that we were given to ready us for the needs of employers. Great for writing reports and letters, but unsuitable for writing poetry.

Try a read of Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. I think you'll find it eye-opening, and filled with gems like why we sometimes use the word stone, and at others, rock, to mean the same thing, and, why no one shouts "Oh feces," in anger. 😄 It's free to download on the site linked to below:
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

So try it. It will change your view of what poetry is, and make the writing of it a lot more fun.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

[ASongintheMidstoftheGale]

Wow, thank you for that feedback! I never thought of it to that extent, but I really like that approach to poetry. Your advice is really helpful, and I will try to keep it in mind as I try to improve my writing. Thanks.