Ice-Hockey Fanatic: Thief/Dummy

A Story by Abishai100

Three eccentric thieves try to rob a California bank after their favorite ice-hockey team fails to bring home the trophy to their city!

So I'll sign off with a heist-tale after all, but this is a cheeky sarcastic comedy story about local pro-sports fanfare...gone diseased! Thanks so much for reading (and enjoy),

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Isaac Satan was a Philadelphia Flyers (NHL) fanatic, and when the Flyers lost their chance to win the Stanley Cup, something inside Isaac simply snapped. He decided to become a criminal. Isaac Satan decided to become a bank robber.

ISAAC: "I'd been cheering for the Flyers ever since I was a young boy, and even though I moved from Philadelphia to South Jersey, I remained a staunch and avid Flyers fan and opted not to start following the New Jersey Devils in preference for the Flyers I loved and the Flyers stars I loved watching, especially Eric Lindros, so when the Flyers missed their Stanley Cup chance, I just went nuts and lost all my civics sanities usually associated with me and all my Facebook Flyers fanfare photos and posts."

Isaac decided to travel to the West Coast and plan an elaborate if insane heist of the California Bank & Trust institution. This was a very impressive bank, featuring computerized security systems and multiple guards protecting the serious vault-room holding at any given weekend over $40 million in cash. Isaac wanted to steal $20 million from the California Bank & Trust during his West Coast visit and make some kind of Internet statement about Flyers fanfare gone haywire. Despite all his lunacy, Isaac Satan was quite a clever individual when it came to bank robbery and theft. He'd been a small-time baseball and ice-hockey card shoplifter as a teenager, and now this fan-gone-psycho set his sights on a substantial bank in California.

ISAAC: I want you to help me rob a bank, Claire.

CLAIRE: My parole's almost up and I'm set to start working in San Diego!

ISAAC: Screw your job, you used to be my high-school sweetheart.

CLAIRE: I don't know, Isaac; this sounds insane.

ISAAC: I know you're itching for something exciting, Claire.

CLAIRE: Why am I mixed up with you, Isaac?

ISAAC: Because you love me, Claire.

Claire had been Isaac's childhood girlfriend and high-school sweetheart, and like him, Claire was not always on-center in the mind. She'd also been a regular shoplifter and then smalltime juvenile criminal after she moved to California and left Isaac behind. Now, her jail time was almost up and she admitted she missed all those childhood years with Isaac playing with fake jewelry and toy gems and toy gold and silver coins and honestly fantasized about robbing a bank with him. She even found his rationale --- a retaliatory fanfare-frustration induced heist --- quite thrilling. Claire decided to become his ally in this robbery, and she hoped this would forge a memory not unlike those childhood ones with Isaac playing with toy jewels and coins. This was a very very unusual romance.

Isaac was part of the DTD fraternity at Dartmouth College, where he watched dozens of Flyers recorded games on the giant screen TV in the entertainment room. Isaac had been the Rush-Chair of DTD, ushering in new members, and recruited a special freshman who shared his passion for bank robbery films about iconic legendary thieves like Dillinger and the Sundance Kid. Now, Isaac decided to recruit his DTD alumni who loved these bank robbery films, Tom Hale, for this California bank robbery, if only to stir up again those fun fraternity memories from college.

TOM HALE: I'll be the getaway driver!

CLAIRE: I'll do the inside-work with Isaac.

ISAAC: I'll plan all the fanfare confetti with the Flyers gear and paraphernalia.

TOM HALIE: This is insane.

CLAIRE: Go, Flyers!

ISAAC: This is for the Flyers, man.

The Flyers hadn't won the Stanley Cup since the first days of the expansion of the number of formal teams in the league, which is really what drove Isaac Satan nuts.

The California Bank & Trust building was quite formidable, and the robbery by this unusual and unlikely American trio would require pure perfection if they weren't to be cast as doomed lunatics in the American landscape. What would be the destiny of this very eccentric thief-trio in modern times? Their fingers were crossed!

Isaac walked into the California bank wearing a mask and a Flyers sweatshirt and holding his girlfriend Claire in his arms, who was wearing a nun's costume. They walked up to the teller's station and told them that Isaac had just taken a break out of a local psychiatric institution and wanted to re-create a fake robbery with the spiritual support of his institution Catholic nun, Sister Claire. The robbery wouldn't be real, of course, and they simply wanted to be escorted to the vault-room to take photos with their handy-dandy iPhones. The teller laughed out loud and thanked Sister Claire (Claire) for this spiritually uplifting deed and agreed to take them to the vault-room.

When they were in the vault-room, Isaac knocked out the escorting bank personnel unconscious with his handkerchief which was laced with chloroform. After the teller fell unconscious, Isaac and Claire loaded about $20 million cash into their fanny-pack belts strapped to their waists and then re-covered their waists with their nun-robe and Flyers sweatshirt which was quite thick. They walked out of the bank with the money before the unconscious teller awoke and sped away from the fancy bank in the Benz van parked outside and waiting with their getaway-driver Tom Hale waiting.

FBI OFFICER ABBY MICHAELS: "We don't know who planned this dastardly fake psychiatry photo-shoot robbery of the California Bank & Trust, but the innocent teller at the institution was simply fooled into thinking that this customer pair of obviously fraudulent nun and his psychiatric patient wanted to take harmless photos of the vault-door for entertainment and leisure purposes, but needless to say, we'll do everything in our state power to make sure the culprits behind this costumed heist of this outstanding California bank will be brought to their damned knees!"

Isaac and Tom and Claire purchased a loft in the Virgin Islands with their stolen money and decorated it with Philadelphia Flyers (NHL) fan-ornaments. This was a very successful heist, and the bizarre thief-trio had no reason whatsoever to think that the authorities would be able to trace them. Meanwhile, they began sending fan-letters to the Flyers, urging them to finally win another Stanley Cup title and prevent more frustration induced Philadelphia insanity. Was this all cheerful patriotism...or dangerous dogma?

FLYERS COACH: "We have every aspiration to bring the trophy home to Philadelphia and completely denounce this deranged thief trio in California who've sullied our team name by claiming their fanfare-frustration induced bank robbery had anything to do with our recent misfortunes in the league playoffs!"

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"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)