Acid-Gun: D.C. Bank Heist (Terrorism?)

A wily thief robs a bank in D.C. with an acid-gun and inspires inquiries into the nature of modern terrorism...and ditches.

Here's a socially responsible heist tale to sign off with and asks the question, "Do American bank robberies differ vastly from foreign terrorism and if so, how?" I'm writing this to answer a criticism that my heist stories might benefit from a small dose of social consciousness or political context. I hope you like this one,

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This is the story of how I robbed a Bank of America in Washington (D.C.) using a rather deadly weapon. My name's Isaac, and I'm a professional thief. I used to be a telemarketer after finishing college studies and then honed my skills at bank robbery. This D.C. robbery represents my fascination with the modernized piracy adventurism of bank robbery.

I love Washington. Who doesn't, right? It's a great city with incredible architecture. The modern-day Rome, really! That's why this robbery symbolizes to me all the adventure and dash of inventive modern storytelling. After all, D.C. should never be considered a city without...dance!

The inside of this Bank of America in D.C. is really handsome and beautiful. It's a bank worthy of a pirate adventure. Make no mistake folks, I'm no amateur thief, so I know what it takes to do such a robbery with the required style and skill. I never imply others should try to copy what I'm doing, because what I'm doing is very dangerous.

This is how I'll look when I walk into the Bank of America on the day of the robbery. Don't I look dashing?

After I made my way into the bank line to see the teller window, I waited to get to the front of the line before I put my head-gear mask on and pulled out my toy water-gun fitted with corrosive HCL acid.

This is how the teller saw me and had to react to what I looked like once I was at the teller's window, demanding to be escorted into the vault-room!

The toy water-gun I carried was fitted with an inserted glass tubing capable of safely holding the corrosive HCL acid. I gave the teller a quick and deadly demo by shooting his computer with the acid-gun, causing it to corrode and burn quite deeply and rather quickly, frightening him. I told him to be my hostage without fuss and to order all the guards to stand back or else I'd shoot my acid-gun at the teller's hands. The teller obeyed and didn't press the alarm button and ordered the guards to stand back while he escorted me into the vault.

I saw piles of gold and cash inside the vault but only took $20 million cash and put it into my fold-out cloth duffel-bag. I carried the duffel-bag out to my parked Volvo in the rear of the Bank of America building, still holding the male teller as my hostage, making sure the guards didn't follow us.

I drove the teller to the D.C. police-station with my mask still on and drove off and deposited my stolen money in a newly opened private Swiss bank account in Europe online before boarding an international Aeroflot flight to the Virgin Islands. My escape-vehicle on the day of the heist, a Volvo SUV, was all the car I needed to getaway fast!

I heard a comic book writer and artist penned a storyline about my heist which included a portrait-drawing of Santa Claus holding a pistol and trying to rob a bank in Washington. The purpose of his fun story was to suggest that the use of alternative and inventive weaponry in modern bank robbery signals a strange turn in crime in America that could still arguably be construed as very different from terrorism. After all, Americans have always considered bank robbery a thing of absolute cartoon weight, right?

FBI: We're tracking this 'acid-gun bandit' and believe he's fled to somewhere in Europe of Australia, and we're concerned mostly that his rather slick heist in Washington might motivate impressionable sociopaths to think about carrying modern inventive weapons such as guns filled with acid or sleeping-gas to incite new age terrorism!

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"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)

Reviews

[Kari Rakitan]

That mask looks like something someone would wear after an acid attack.

The telemarketer thing intrigued me. What is the most interesting experience you've had as a telemarketer?

Glad to see another piece in first person.