[untitled]

she used to be a dancer

torso flaming in the frozen air

rebelling against the streetlight glare

she danced for coins and petty onlookers

 

she used to tense and stretch

with every musle high on ether

and as the dark would come to seize her

she would dance for the memory of that music

 

that tore the marrow from her bones

before she learned to be alone

old and forever alone

 

she useds to be a dancer

fill the boys with tender feeling

while in the ether she was reeling

against the grim and shallow spite

of a static, silent world

 

she used to be a dancer

before the monsters beat her kindness 

pain screaming in her mindless

 smiles, crinkling, melting on the ground.

 

they tore the marrow from her bones

before she learned to be alone

old and forever alone

 

Reviews

[Ben Walton]

i really really dug this. i hate rhyme scheme a lot of the time but this worked really well because it wasn't forced and it wasn't sing-songy and it just flowed so well. it was very cohesive and the color changes with the conflicting imagery and-

it was just very good.

[Shellie]

and as the dark would come to seize her

she would dance for the memory of that music

Thats a brilliant part, but for the whole poem, nothing at all i would change anyway, its well written and flows well and it seems to mirror both parts of the girls life, her dancing and her own personal self

and if you want to title it i would suggest th very 1st line as a title

[Ashlyn]

I'm a dancer myself so I have a tender spot for poems about dancing. Although, as I look at the poem, I can see comparisons to the girls life, not just the dance. But perhaps that's just me.

I really like the rhyme scheme in this poem. It makes the poem flow so nicely. Also the feelings in this poem a spoken so clearly its like I can feel the same thing as the person in this poem.

The only thing I can really tell you that you can improve on...well honestly, I tried to look for something just now to help out...and I cant find a single thing. Keep on writing darlin. This poem's going as a favorite.