I See...

I was given a "100 things" challenge over on DeviantART, this is the entry for #31 "flowers". It's only a short piece... I've popped it under "Short Story Collections" as eventually, they'll be 100 short little stories...

I can see him, you know. He’s not really there, holding that damn blue rose, but I still see him. I can see him smiling as I step down. I shake my head and look away, I know he’s not there, but I can still feel his eyes on me. I always could. I look back across as my feet touch the ground. He is still there, still smiling, still holding that damn blue rose. I smile back, unable to stop myself. I make my way inside slowly, knowing exactly what is going to happen. I feel my heart skip a beat. Maybe this time is different? I don’t see his lips move, but I hear him say my name. I’m not watching his face - just that damned blue rose. He holds it out to me, smiling. I reach for it… I never know why, but I always do. As my fingertips touch that cursed blue rose, they disappear, boy and rose, as always. He is always there, you know. He is always at that airport when I land. I can see him, even though he’s not really there, not really holding that damn rose. I can see him, stood just like he was the first time we met, fingering that beautiful blue rose and holding it out for me. I can still see him… even though he’s been dead for six years now. He’s still smiling…        …still holding that damned rose…               …still waiting for me…

Author's Note

Comments on the formatting would be greatly appreciated.

Reviews

[Hedra Helix]

I like this a lot, the formatting actually works for me, the only thing that keeps this from being really etherial and fresh to me (in my imho) is that you use the phrase blue rose over and over. I think that if you figured out a way to make that rose be a blue form, a blue ghost, a bloom, the sky in petals, etc it would open up the precise way you staged your words and would make this be as strong as it could. more dream like. more unique. Use "blue rose" maybe in 2 places to cement the idea and impose reality, or in 3 places to signify beginning middle end. but maybe use it specifically.

you use "I can..etc" a lot too which would only benefit from changing blue rose around, it would show the reader that you have control of your vocab and that the repetition is utilized for effect.

otherwise i think this reads cleanly and with good fast speed.

[Mr. Misanthrope]

A really good piece of work to keep within 100 words. And even with that small amount, you manage to bring out every feeling and..... To be honest, it's one of those things I can't really explain, but one things for sure: it's a surprise each time you write a new sentence. You never know what to expect. Feelings and thoughts are so random. And the significance of a simple blue rose, almost acting like the gateway between the living and the dead. Well done!

-Luke

[Lady Sothis]

Aww, this piece is so sad. And you carry about a leaden, sad feeling so perfectly. As for your formatting, you really use it to good effect here, it almost gives the whole piece a poetic feel.

If I were to get down-right nit-picky I might say that in the sentence "As my fingertips touch that cursed blue rose, they disappear, boy and rose, as always" the word "boy" actually gave me a bit of a jilt. You really build up the tone and feel of this piece to give this beautiful dreamy air, and for some reason boy brings the reader out of it a bit (or at least me out of it . . . haha). I might recommend another word, perhaps "man."

However in all truth this whole thing is gorgeous. Like I said it really has a perfect air, almost like being wrapped in this thick quilt. You don't give away too much information but you don't give away so little that we don't know what's going on.

Wonderful job, I absolutely love it!