"Fuzzy"

A Story by papermush08

"It was real yet it was clearly surreal"

Summer night was spent with me being lost somewhere; summer night but I was a perfect picture of winter. I’ve been getting quite so lonesome; lately I cannot find the right words or the right answers to every question running circles inside my head. It’s too ridiculous and unwise why this time it’s straining my head to decipher what this whole feeling of mine tells me when back in the past I’ve been good in digging through the obscure holes of my life. I felt like a ship without an anchor, ready to meet the abyss and just completely disappear there without reaching out to survive.

One…two…three- I counted my pace to swerve from my endless thoughts breaking me into pieces. I kept counting until I kind of tripped over when I lost my balance, and I escaped a sad laugh out of my breath realizing that I was becoming stupid pretending that it was easy to leave things that way. The truth is, I didn’t want to think about it that night because the whole day before that time was my frolicsome date. I remember I was so exuberant when I woke up that morning because I was going to participate in a recreation with the people in town who conducted a beneficial activity for the less fortunate kids. I was in total gloom and energy joining games and leading the activity, afterwards, I did render a time visiting the church to seek some spiritual guidance that maybe I’ll be enlightened. But when I decided to walk alone going home, I can’t avoid noticing the colorful twilight created by the refracting rays of the setting sun. It was extravagantly beautiful; it was also heartbreaking because I had to stand there with all the sad words unraveling in my head again, those words of mine seeming to be forever unspoken. I had to think about what has been happening these past months of carrying it on my own as if it’s something forbidden and despicable. I just had to think about it- I just had to think of him.

The cool breeze wafted from the leaves of the trees as the evening began to saturate the sky; I was carried away with my emotion so I had to spend some minutes or maybe more to contemplate on things. He’s not only a single heartache, but a representation of every failure in my heart I have been through but I never cursed them, I was even thankful I became this kind of person now. Well I could say that I have learned the best lessons and up to now I still manage not to be selfish when it comes to feelings, maybe that’s the good side of appreciating the ‘unrequited love’, I wasn’t sure if I was that strong to endure the jinx of falling in love or maybe that’s just my destiny and so this is why I’m still alive.

I let out a long sad sigh and kept walking while I would gradually look at the strangers strolling; their happy faces and audible sweet exchange of conversations made me cringe inside because I knew I was far from happiness. The light emanating from the street lamps seemed to be a haze in my sight when I was also having a vague direction of eyes; everything was in silence except for my clashing heart and mind. Do you know that feeling when it’s making you feel so alive but it’s killing you thinking it’s never gonna be easy to be yours? Likewise to watching a pretty glisten star up above but it’s the truth that stars do not really fall?

If for the first time of falling deeply in love I’ve had it hopeless, at least there were moments I could prove that something mutually special existed. Yet this time on, it’s a distance between the sun and the moon, you know their fates will never meet. But this another chance of falling in love that way again became more wonderful, the best thing about it was that I felt like I had been saved from the flood. I never thought for once that this kind of feeling would make me a better person. Only that each day that I breathe, I breathe thinking of how wonderful he is and how much I want to fly to wherever he is and tell him how much of a paradise he is making in my world, which I’m tormenting myself with because the line is too fine to see for me to get into him. I cannot even understand why I find it hard to turn my back on him, I’ve fought well to look at him the way everyone would look at him but every time I’d hear his name, the motion in my chest takes me high and I could feel extremely happy as if nothing wrong matters.

It’s so easy for him to make me smile when the world shuts the door of joy for me. It’s so easy for him to make me believe that I am beautiful when everyone else makes me feel ugly. It’s so easy for him to make me find my golden voice again when I would be out of tune. It’s so easy for him to bring me the sunny day when my grey clouds hover. It’s so easy for him to grow love in me when I’d lose hope in it. But it’s devastating to realize that he made all those things possible through his presence in my imagination. He’s impossible to be with but incredibly believable to make every exquisite feeling possible.

I’m in this topsy-turvy condition, the right words are even deemed unconventional by my own understanding. But I had to fix this dilemma, I need to consider too that I should not let go just for a single sad reason when there’s a million reasons for me to be living with grace of happiness because of him.

I kicked a dry leaf that fell seconds ago and completely succumbed to the slow stream of tears filling my tired eyes, my spirit fell too that my head hanged down and I hugged myself with my hands fastening my weakening elbows. I sucked in my breath and covertly wiped my cheeks and eyes when I awkwardly met the look of some girls walking past me. I shot a glance at the stars and helped myself to feel fine; I grinned and continued my way to finally go home. When I held my bag dangling on my side, I watched my steps and suddenly I lifted my head and I was taken aback to see a very unexpected view, I swore to the entire universe I almost collapsed there.

I saw him; he was there a little far from me. He was so debonair with his simple matched jeans to his plain white shirt and a beanie that perfectly emphasized his alluring handsome face. He was free; he was casually taking his way with his friend I did recognize. For the first time he was so close and existing with me in the same place. I turned my back, stupidity rushed in; I didn’t want to look anymore because it would kill me if he will not notice me. Adrenaline tightened my nerves, I wanted to run away but I cannot move any muscle. I started to feel his presence surrounding me; I mustered my courage and wheeled myself to see him. Somebody approached him before I could call out for his name. I was a statue there that was about to topple when he didn’t really see me. Stuck in the moment I was standing rigid and petrified but as he was drawn nearer, he went to my side and threw an arm on my shoulder wrapping me with his body like a hug that wouldn’t let go. I was in shock I didn’t know what to do, I was right there so close, skin-to-skin I have felt his weight comforting me. I didn’t understand oh God why he did that as though he knew I needed a comfort and I needed him beside me. Slowly I moved my arm, let it slip into his back and it turned out that we were both holding each other; we were in each other’s arms.

I felt nothing but comfort and protection, my troubles vanished in thin air. I wanted to live there forever, to be just there in his arms. He towered over me but I was not intimidated, there’s only a feeling of contentment. I told myself I was wrong to ever think of forgetting what I felt for him because lingering together in a sole moment of ours; everything was on the right place.

He held me tight until he led me home, I never lost him, he never let go of me. Silence enveloped us, I didn’t even want to ask him while he held me-I cannot just ask him why he cannot let go of me. When we halted, I had him staring at me with a sad but knowing face, I was scared when I cannot identify what’s bothering him.

“I am just so tired.” The words came from me, I wondered why I had to admit that to him. I was surprised he didn’t have anything to respond but he only nodded as if to say “I understand. I won’t leave you” He let me fall asleep with him still holding me, I didn’t want to close my eyes though because I didn’t want to miss anything but he was cradling me and putting me to rest. What’s only wonderful is that I still had him on my own even when I had to take my rest; I thanked God for him not wanting to lose a grasp of me. I closed my eyes in relief just feeling him around me.

The morning illuminated the room; I moved with my pillows and heard the noise at home. I sat up with my heart shattering because he was so real, he was there, I felt him physically and emotionally, it was the best feeling I ever had, only that it didn’t happen here in my reality. It was beyond possibility. The whole day yesterday I was stagnant at home being useless.

Maybe the reason why I cannot bring myself to sleep was because I subconsciously knew that I would be waking up without him.

After all, he will always be just a dream. I will always be dreaming of him.