Seeing and defying expectations

How expectations have affected you in your life? In this short text, I explore how expectations or the lack of them have affected me in how I have valued myself throughout many years.

Fellow writers,

 

A book has brought me to write this reflection and to share it with you. It is called ‘The feminine mystique’ and it was written by the feminist Betty Friedan in 1963.

Friedan investigated an issue which she called ‘the problem that has no name’: many women in America were feeling sad and in distress, and were filling up psychologist offices, but no one had been able to explain why this was happening. After thorough research, she concluded that many of these women were feeling like this because their life was limited to playing the role of good wives and mothers. Society had taught them not to want careers or higher education, they were not expected to do anything meaningful for themselves or to assume leadership positions. 

When I read Friedan’s book, I thought it was talking directly to me, like it was specially written for me. Up to that moment, I had not realized that most people who had been closest to me in my life had never had any expectations about me doing anything that could have a huge impact, and I had internalized some of those expectations. 

When I was studying my undergraduate degrees, I used to go every Saturday to my grandma’s house to have lunch with my extended family. Most often my aunts and uncles showered my cousin Hector, who was my same age, with questions about his studies. For instance, they would ask him how he was doing in his Telecommunications degree, how his trip to America for an internship had been, or how his euphonium’s lessons to children were going. 

Those questions about achievements were never for me. They never asked how I was managing my double degree on archaeology and history or how I was doing with my archaeological excavations or my internship in a museum. I accepted that as normal. However, I realized years later that the absence of those questions was making a clear implication about me and my cousin.

 

In those same lunches, I also learnt that what I had to say was not important and that my voice had little power. When I tried to participate in conversations, my ideas were often not taken into consideration or were directly ignored. Again, I considered that as normal and thought that my own ideas were not relevant. This affected me so much, that every time that during my studies I had to give a presentation, even if it was only for 5 minutes, I would spend the previous days in a state of great anxiety, and I would be an emotional wreck. 

All these experiences had made me believe that I was not capable of doing anything of value in my life. All those years, I had not worked hard enough and committed seriously to my education and future career, because I thought that I would never achieve great things, so why bother?  Friedan’s book showed me I was mistaken and taught me that is imperative that all women use their energy in some meaningful pursuit during their lives. 

I kept reading more about feminism, now I have a row in my bookshelf full of feminist’s books which are my pride. I also started talking about feminism and my personal experiences with my friends and I was surprised to see that they were understanding and even shared similar ideas. Being able to talk about those experiences validated them. Feminism made me start a personal journey of discovery of my true potential and my voice.

This journey started with my career. Up to that point, I had been limiting my career choices. I had believed I could not do meaningful roles, and perhaps because of that my career decisions had always put me on secondary or assistance roles. From this year on, and for the first time in my life, I have been seeking leadership and responsibility roles, such a   s management. So far, I have not found a new job but I am very happy with the hard work I have been putting in my applications. 

This journey has also led me to challenge the idea that I have nothing important to say, and I have been actively seeking opportunities for speaking in public. This has brought me to join Toastmasters, a non-profit educational organization that promotes public speaking. I hope that through practice and constructive feedback, I can build the skills I need to become a more confident public speaker. 

In summary, when I got this book, I would never have thought that I would be facing my deepest insecurities just a year later, including having written about such deepen fears and having published them. I hope this is the first of many!  

As a final thought, I’d like to think that if I surpass these obstacles and cultivate a career that matters and makes a difference, I will hopefully be able to inspire other women who might have felt similarly, so that they challenge themselves and follow their aspirations. 

 

Fellow readers, I want to invite all of you to think and reflect on the expectations that you have had about yourself, and how they have affected you in your lives. Once you know the notions that are holding you back, you can then take steps to overcome them. 

Trust in the strength and value each of you posses. 

 

 

 

Reviews

[emmajoy]

The strength of Your words is in the power of The Power of the Feminine Mystique and how you have and always will learn about yourself via Betty Friedan's writing. We discover freedoms, hunt for reasons and whether or not the book you've allowed shape you goes on a shelf along with tomrd on theology, philosophy and the long list of words ending with -ophy, -ogy, etc - no matter. Whoever and whatever we are, we're so often built by others' experiences and consequent learning. Your list of experiences up to a certain time are sad, tragic and understandably in a hole that might have been infinitesimal. But.. that book, that example of how to find yourself, must be incredible. Thank you so much for sharing its title author and your own findings of How to be Self.

Still finding the Me - as many might admit. For now, the adventure goes reasonably well but there are too many lessons yet to learn, especially in times like now. I came from a large family, there was rarely a hint of gender comparison.. we were lucky but - here and there, think we've all had to find that something extra!

[Amelia campoamor]

Friedan's words were and are incredible. I am so grateful to her and her work. I wanted to share my experience because I would have liked to read something like this years ago. I am so happy that you have read it and to know a little bit how you are doing. 'Still finding me' as you said is perfect! Keep the research and value yourself.

[emmajoy]

Far more should read the above.. hopefully they will as these days slow down the outings and such. Tis surely a time to learn more about anything, everything. Keep safe. Please.