Augmentation

Augmentation.
So it
begins.
Next step.
Human
evolution.
New
senses.
Artificial
senses.
Gleening
new things.
Shifting
perception.
Adjusted
wiring.
Reprogrammed.
Seeing
in a
different
light.
Tighten
control.
Thought
shifting.
Mind bending.
Isolating
one from
the other.
World of
connections,
disconnected.
Separate,
apart,
connected.
Human
connection
lost.
Cyberspace.
All in
cyberspace.
Global touch
in a
different way,
different
realm.
Breakdown
of existing 
norms.
Techno Sapiens.
Past forgotten.
Future a
blur.
Nothing
remains.
Nothing
remains
as it was!

Reviews

[JayG]

With the added line feeds removed we have:
- - - - - -
So it begins. Next step. Human evolution. New senses. Artificial senses. Gleening new things. Shifting perception. Adjusted wiring. Reprogrammed. Seeing in a different light. Tighten control. Thought shifting. Mind bending. Isolating one from the other. World of connections, disconnected. Separate, apart, connected. Human connection lost. Cyberspace. All in cyberspace. Global touch in a different way, different realm. Breakdown of existing norms. Techno Sapiens. Past forgotten. Future a blur. Nothing remains. Nothing remains as it was!
- - - - - -

So...how does breaking this sketchy paragraph into 1 and 2 word lines make it poetic? The language certainly isn’t poetic, and you’ve made no effort to use prosody to smooth the flow. Basically, you’re making a series of often unrelated statements that are loosely on the subject of change.

So the question is: what’s in it for the reader, emotionally? That matters because the reader is seeking to become emotionally involved, and moved emotionally. But in the end, what does this say: “Human augmentation, if it comes, will change things." But what doesn’t? You could pretty much write the same thing at the beginning of the telegraph, the phone, the radio, the steamboat, and any technological change.

Screwing with the line feeds is a gimmick. Anyone here could do it with any poem. In fact, if it worked, a lot more would be doing it, because it takes no talent or training.

And as someone who designed computer systems for forty years, I think you need to dig deeper, and strengthen your links and line relationships. Human augmentation and cyberspace, for example aren’t the same.

[John Prophet]

Hi JayG, thank you kindly for reading my work JP

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Oh you paint dark visions of the future my friend and I totally enjoy the places you take the audience. I always know I'm in for a stunning illuminating ride when I read your art. Excellent work and looking forward to more.

[John Prophet]

Thank you kindly CLE