Paper Crown

Friendships can end in heartbreak too. Disclaimer: Cover photo is not my artwork, but it was too perfect not to use

When I thought I knew you loved me,

I had someone always to talk to,

There were no secrets lodged beneath my rib cage,

Begging desperately to be released.

You were ears open, ready to giggle or cry,

Roll your eyes, or scrunch your brow,

Fittingly, appropriately

At my eagerly whispered confessions.

 

When I thought I knew you loved me,

My life did not feel isolated, empty,

Ready at any moment to crash down around me.

My head was not it's own solitary confinement,

With my thoughts written on the walls,

No one to share them with.

 

When I thought I knew you loved me,

I thought I knew you.

I made excuses for your harsh tongue,

Told people you were only joking,

Or you were only being honest.

I thought you would never turn that

Cruelty on me.

 

When I thought I knew you loved me,

I mistook your bitterness for strength,

and your selfishness for self-preservation.

Your ferocity protected me,

I never imagined that it would break me,

In the very next breath.

 

When I thought I knew you loved me,

You were a fierce, quick-witted, 

Warrior of a women,

Not a cowardly, spiteful little girl.

I thought you were someone to admire,

Someone to strive to be,

Someone who protected her and hers,

A lioness, a queen in her own right.

But you were just a spoiled child playing queen.

Your pretend crown was made of paper,

fragile enough to be burned, ripped, crumpled.

 

When I thought I knew you loved me,

You only made me believe it because you needed me,

To make you feel needed.

But now you have others to depend on you,

And I'm not so weak as I used to be.

My hands are not so small, 

My heart is not so big,

My mouth is not so full of secrets.

 

When I thought I knew you loved me,

I was a child, I was naive,

And gullible, and I wanted a best friend,

So I built a fantasy, where you were always there for me,

Where we grew old together,

and watched our families grow side by side,

I had a head full of hope,

Full of a future full of you.

I told people you were different,

you were a forever friend,

"We've made it through so much," I said,

But at 11, 14, 16,

"So much" was nothing compared to

College, marriage, trying to support ourselves.

 

When I thought I knew you loved me,

I thought I knew better than the adults who told me that

We would not withstand the crashing storm of adulthood,

The whirlwind of growing up and growing out,

That our childhood friendship was a shack,

Not a fortress. 

Being wrong never hurt so bad. 

 

When I thought I knew you loved me,

I hope you knew I loved you,

And I hope that now that I know you don't, 

You know how much you hurt me.