Ineffectual Women

when desire is locked up inside

Excitement

The infinite attempt yet again today

But it feels as if a raven

Came and took all your jewels away

 

Your mind says yes

But your body says no

The spider paralyzed his victim

Only to suck it empty and dry no more

 

Move your body

Twirl  it gently, give it a go

Maybe the pebble will fall

And make the river ripple and flow

 

Yet without a smile

Even the most optimistic person flutters

And no soul can tell what happens inside

When the attendant closed the shutters

 

Reviews

[dark and twisty]

My favorite part would be -

Your mind says yes
But your body says no
The spider paralyzed his victim
Only to suck it empty and dry no more

But somehow, and I apologise for this cos I really like the idea behind your poem, the rest of your poem doesn't seem as coherent and flowy....but possibly it is just me.

[Ravenskald]

There are many ideass here that are positive
I like this stanza
"Move your body
Twirl it gently, give it a go
Maybe the pebble will fall
And make the river ripple and flow"
But there are as aleady noted problems with coherence with the images .
Especially as I think this theme has a lot of potential. Just needs a little more development.
Thanks for sharing