Nobody's Safe

(can anyone suggest a better title for this story??)

The first thing I notice is that my front door is unlocked. That's odd; I always lock it. Then I walk into the living room and my TV is gone! I let out a string of monosyllabic expletives and run back to the front door. There are no signs of the lock being picked; he must have gotten in another way. I race through my apartment to see.

Sure enough, the bedroom window has been jemmied out.  Around the frame are the rough, ugly gashes of a crowbar. The robber has been kind enough not to smash the window and I see that there are a few hand prints visible in the angled light. They are smooth though, he'd obviously been wearing gloves.

Suddenly my breath catches in my throat and my blood runs cold. I sprint to the kitchen and opened the fridge. *another string of expletives* The (beeeeep) has stolen my pizza!

I fling myself on the couch howling with anguish until presently I spy something that turns my howls into bitter laughter at the utter irony of it all. The robber has left my tool box. I get up and kick it out from under the coffee table. Crowbar; gloves; all there. I wonder if I've ever robbed a robber in the past!?

Author's Note

Appreciate ANY feedback. :)

Also can anyone suggest a better title??

Reviews

[Taylor]

Yes, the devil is in the details. This is fun and well done. I would like to see it drawn out a tiny bit more to sustain the suspense just a bit. Just a tiny point, in the first sentence I don't think you need "that." Just slows the reader down. I also would delete "he must have gotten in through a window." Let the reader come along with you and discover how he got in, rather than being told. Very enjoyable read.

[Stan Lee]

Thanks very much Taylor. I appreciate these suggestions. :) Shall edit asap! Not really sure how to draw it out... but I agree with you on that too. :) Glad you liked it.

[Woody]

AAAH a new one! you're the queen of flash fiction, Andronicus. your endings are super duper.

Coulda Been Worse?

[Stan Lee]

:) Thanks Woody. I appreciate your encouraging reviews. And thanks for the suggestion too. Glad you liked this one. :)

[Shannon]

Enjoyable. I finally feel like I am not taking the darkest possible interpretation of your work!
What if you picked a little more random title? "Crowbar" maybe. So the reader thinks they know what is in reference to when you talk about the broken window frame, then the real meaning hits, emphasizing the twist.

[Stan Lee]

Yay!
Thanks for your suggestion S.Mi. This one still needs a lot of work as you can see. I have edited it a bit and hopefully the crowbar integrates more smoothly now. This one was basically a writing exercise to try kick the writers block, so I'm glad to hear that you found it enjoyable. :) Thanks for reading and reviewing.

[Not here]

Love the ending :) That's the best part. Fantastic story, Smiley face. You've inspired me to post something new very story lol. Take care and great job!

[Stan Lee]

Thank you Dante! Glad you like the plot twist at the end. Thanks for your encouraging review. :)

[Jaydaut]

"The first thing that I notice is that my front door is unlocked." (Why all the words? Doesn't "I noticed my front door was unlocked." convey the same message? This without using "is" and "that" in your sentence.)

Accuracy - Brevity - Clarity

I noticed my front door was unlocked and thought,"This is odd, I always lock it."

"There are (were) no signs of the lock being picked; he (who?) must have got (gotten) in through a window.

I race through my apartment to see. (incomplete sentence)

Sure enough, the bedroom window has been jemmied out. The rough, ugly gashes are clearly obvious around the frame. (This needs to be written as one sentence - Sure enough, the bedroom window had been jemmied out as the rough, ugly gashes (of the crowbar?) are (were) clearly obvious (plain to see?) around the frame. "clearly obvious" is redundant. It's either clear or obvious, but it can't be both and remain well written. Good time also of foreshadow your inclusion of the crowbar.)

Suddenly my breath catches in my throat and my blood runs cold. (you gotta connect these two sentences somehow) I sprint to the kitchen and opened the fridge. *another string of expletives!!* The (beeeeep) has stolen my pizza! (The *'s and the exclamation points are a distraction. The exclamation point only sends one message: the writer has given up; run out of ideas and otherwise has no other means of expression. The weak and lazy "!", has no place in writing; and two exclamation points used in one sentence are weaker than one.

I fling (flung) myself on the couch (while) howling with anguish until presently I spy (spied) something that turns my howls into bitter laughter at the utter irony of it all. The robber has left my(your tool box or the robber's tool box?) tool box.(and) I get up and kick it(the tool box?) out from under the coffee table. Crowbar; gloves; all there.

I wonder if I've ever robbed a robber in the past!? (so that was the robbers tool box?)

I don't know what to do with the first sentence of your last paragraph; doesn't work for me.

Otherwise, I kinda see what you're going for in the piece, but in my opinion, you write against voice with phrasing such as "monosyllabic expletives" and "clearly obvious". Phrases both clearly and quite obviously out of place in your story about a down to earth guy who's apartment got robbed.

[Stan Lee]

Hi Jaydaut
Many thanks for your lengthy and detailed review. I appreciate your honesty and assistance with my "average joe" story.
Since it, no doubt, would have taken you at least twice as long to write your review as it took me to write the story, I think it is only fair that I respond in a detailed manner and I will message you this weekend.
In the meantime please accept my friend request. I am looking forward to seeing more of your writing as I note that you have only yet posted one "intro".
Thanks again. Will talk soon.
:) Andronicus

[Jaydaut]

Yep...I see it there, my apologies, I would have rather written "out of place in your story about a down to earth guy who's apartment got robbed". Clearly "average joe" story" came across as judgmental,
and again, I apologize.

[mattavelli]

"Nobody's Safe..."
More of your "dark humor". I'm wondering what the toppings were on the pizza. Seems this guy got what he deserved.

[Stan Lee]

Thanks for reading and commenting Mattavelli. Perhaps it was that special weedy sort of topping. I don't know for sure, but that might explain why he was so upset about it. (Apart from being hungry right?) :)