Struggling/Two different people

Another sleepless night

A thought seaping

In both my mind and heart.

Thoughts of how I used to be

 

I wasn't happy but...

I always had something...

No someone....

God.....

 

Somewhere between

Graduating high school

And going to college

I lost myself.....that person....

 

It's funny how

I now call myself a fallen angel

When I used to be an angel...

That was what I was called....even now I am still called that

 

But I've fallen so far

That sometimes it feels like

I can't come back...

I feel so far gone....

 

I feel like I'm struggling

Like I'm two different people

While my true heart comes out at night

That fallen angel....rules me majority of the day

 

So why now...

So why when something critical has changed me

Why do these thoughts of how I used to be come

Why does my heart want to cry out to God all of a sudden

 

For a moment

I wanted to forget He was real

I wanted to forget that there even was a God

I wanted to forget everything.....

 

But no matter how far I run

No matter how much I try to deny

No matter how hard I try and harden myself

He's always there, and always find me...

 

Once when I was home

I went to a church service

One of the pastor's that I grew up with

Said something that still stays with me

 

She said that,

"No matter what...God keeps bringing me back here"

And it seems like she was right

He won't let me go.....

 

I sometimes let my heart out

And when it is out

It's like I am that pure angel again

The one who breath in all the beauty and thank God for everything

 

It's hard struggling with this

I honestly feel like two different people

But for some reason

That one part of me that still has faith...

 

Won't let me completely be

That fallen angel

And the more I think about it

The more I am thankful

 

That my mom and family don't stop praying for me

That my pastors don't stop praying for me

That God hasn't given up on me....

It's a comforting feeling.....

 

And though I am not completely

The perfect "Christian"...actually far from

I still will defend it....

Even to death

 

So for now...

That small good angel

Wins tonight....

Now I hope I can go sleep....

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[Ang3L]

outstandig poem