Drowned

The cold wind swirls anxiously in the air,

bathing the faces of two still-born lovers with icy,

 delectable palpitations;

they remind one another of how cruel nature can be

 and through their fervor

  separate themselves from the rest of us.

They frolic hand-in-hand along the beach,

 leaving the rest of the world to stand idly by,

  yearning for a single taste of the happiness they share

  but knowing forever that their lives are nothing more than

 drowned, washed up emptiness

compared to the thriving ibis

 fluttering high above the ground

  and totally detached from what lies beneath it.

They're separated by oceans and yet every day

 they dream the other into existence,

  unsure of who precisely they're seeing but understanding fully

 that everyday is filled with sadness

and every night they'll be alone.

 

Reviews

[J]

One nitpick for you to consider... this part:
"fluttering high above the ground
and totally detached from what lies beneath it."
--to--
"fluttering high above the ground,
totally detached from what lies beneath it."
--I personally think the "and" is extraneous here, and actually makes this transition jar; taking it out and replacing it with a comma gives it more impact I guess. Obviously, just my opinion.

With that out of the way, I really do think this is a top-notch piece. It's evocative and detailed, yet it doesn't give the game away; the wavy lines that you've used further accentuates the feeling of two lovers that are drowning in oceans of sadness (like everyone else has said, bolding this message was very cool, and gives it that extra dimension... kudos on using this trick effectively and in a way which totally suits).

I dunno man... I know I could ramble for another half an hour about this but I just wanted to say that I genuinely enjoyed reading this. The feelings of loneliness, of alienation almost, in a world where the love between two people is a lifeline and also a shield... is emphatically felt.

Beautiful poem.
J

[Abi Smith]

i absolutely love this poem... it envokes sadness yet content.... awesome use of words... i like how u play with the meanings of words and how u force the reader to see more meaning in something that seems facevalue.

[Katie Lynn]

I loved the poem, then I realized that the bold words made a sentence.(I'm a bit slow on the uptake)
"yearning for a single taste of the happiness they share"
I love this line

[Luke Brooks]

They're separated by oceans and yet every day
they dream the other into existence,
unsure of who precisely they're seeing but understanding fully
that everyday is filled with sadness
and every night they'll be alone.

Heartbreaking.

This piece flowed perfectly and was worded beautifully.
Great job on this.
I really enjoyed it.

[Sweet Temptation]

Your poetic soul shines through this one. I love the style of this poem. I especially love the poem within the poem. Just brilliant. I would agree with Prufrock, I would take the "and" out completely, as it flows better. Other than that, it's a well written piece. Excellent work. I truly enjoyed it. :D

[Roy Jacobs]

This poem was very good. You captured the feeling of being alone and having no one and seeing two content lovers, the barb gets stuck even deeper. This poem is dead on. Good job.

[Rosa Sophia]

Eh. ... I KNOW that I loved this, but I'm so tired I have no real way to say anything constructive. So, if you want me to, remind me, and I'll come back and say something useful. :-) Because I hate leaving comments like this. But I really enjoyed your style and your word usage. The piece didn't end the way I expected it. I'm not really sure why, but I enjoyed the fact that I didn't expect it and I liked the way it ended.

Again, if you'd like me to come back and read it again and leave a more constructive comment, let me know. Otherwise, I'm just gonna stare at this screen a while longer and blink a bit.

Rosy

[J. Alfred Prufrock]

actually if you took the "and" out you would, of course, need a comma after "ground" cheers

[J. Alfred Prufrock]

this is a very compelling piece. it flows well for the most part though there is one particular places that sticks out where an "and" could be left out, increasing dramatic flow, and not taking anything away from what you are saying.

"fluttering high above the ground
totally detached....

i think it works better without it.
i have to admit i am a bit jealous, this is a very good write. the image of the "still-born" got me though. i was lost and may still be. i'm thinking these are lovers laying on the beach, very still perhaps. the images are good. i think i might have got lost though and am not quite sure what is going on. i gett the feeling of two lovers laying on the beach very still and the the poems take off from there. is that correct? this is a very thoughful and reflective piece. one of the best i have read on this site. i like the mood it creates very much. sorry for the delay, but i am working on my fiction quite a bit and i get more request than i can respond to. thanks for reviewing me. and if i can look at anything else for you, just let me know. keep writing. i think you are on the right track with your style. cheers

[Merancapeman]

Yikes! What depression, and yet I get a sense of happiness in there. Why is that? I suppose I know exactly what it means to me. I truly do, and it's so funny how it relates to my situation at this point in time. So thank you!

I try not to give star ratings anymore because I feel like I can't trust myself to be perfectly honest, and reviewing isn't about giving stars. Not a good idea to have them, really.... buuuut.... I'm going to satisfy myself just this once and give this a good rating.