Intro

A Chapter by Meghan Justine

Just thoughts forming I suppose.

What is the real difference between sane and insane. It is not clarity of the mind, because I have been both. I believe it is moderation of action, because we all have the same thoughts in our heads-it is our ability to restrain our true ideas that makes us “rational”. A sensible person wouldn’t say anything that pops in their head when they think it because it is judicious to confine those strange desires to our heads. But if we do not speak it, doesn’t it just get trapped in there for us to ponder upon for all eternity-never knowing what would have happened if we were to voice our true opinion? I haven’t met many people who openly speak about whatever it is on their mind, but the one I did was one of the most honest and trustworthy people I’ve come to meet. He, was also unfortunately the worst.

Teen love for the most part is a joke because of its clichéd notions of invincibility. You feel as if no one can tell you it won’t last. Your feelings for each other are so strong that you defy all practical signs of normalcy and obsess over one another. If it ends, so does life and the air from your lungs. I remember the feeling of young love and it wasn’t exactly easy for me to cope with when it ended. Call it hormones but I’ve always had an unending desire to be wanted and to give myself completely to another person. When you are in your adolescence, there are no towering objections such as bills, work, overwhelming insecurity or let’s just call it life in general making a mockery of you and everything you do. Becoming an adult is depressing- driving all the stability out of your brain once you realize that you actually have to build a life and define your purpose in the world. It is quite different once things interrupt your once so innocent need for affection. It isn’t cute anymore-it’s desperate just like everything else about you.

But what if you knew going into a relationship that it wasn’t going anywhere-that it had a timeline and that line was ending somewhere let’s say when you decide to grow the f**k up? The thought of young love had passed and gone. It was a dead concept to me because I had lived it out and was now an adult in my mind. I was experienced and wise now or so I thought so, would it still hurt when it ended? Would it be your decision like you planned early on? Yes it would hurt tenfold because everything I thought I knew about love was a joke before I met him. All the things that seemed significant were now a slight distraction from the world I was living in with him, and yet everything seemed more important and colorful. It wasn’t pragmatic to choose someone to be with that was a mirror image of myself at his age but I couldn’t help but fall for him and I didn’t know how to fall out.

What if you never expected yourself to give so much to another person, and didn’t know how to get it back? You literally felt empty inside when they left and couldn’t eat, think or sleep without them somehow in your head. Growing attached to someone is normal, but at what point does it begin to become unhealthy or irrational? Well, when you spent an inordinate amount of time with someone so early on in a relationship, it is natural. Okay, maybe not “natural” in a sense as normal but it happened to me and I couldn’t help it so let’s go with that.