What do I know of loneliness?

a poem, and/or, letter to my deceased parents..

I’m bathed in the tears of the person I so desperately want to be.

I’m followed by the shadow of myself that I once knew so deeply.

I’m being stoned by the care-free little girl that I once was….

I cover my sadness up with the two simplest words; “I’m fine”… 

I hide behind a smile that hurts to make.

I swallow my pride, walk with a stride, and gag the voices in my head thinking it will help them hide.

I feel the pain in their gargled words, it intertwines with mine.

I see the shadows of their demons greeting my own, and I’m the only one being shown.

I smell the wretched decay of their bodies as they’re deprived of my emotions.

I hear the screams and moans of agony, and anger as I pitifully try to ignore their existence.

I taste the bitterness of their tears and the boldness of their blood as I crush them back down into my own darkness.

My presence is a lie to everyone around me, all they see is an image of me staring back at them, and they don’t see my demons creeping up behind me.

They cannot feel the ice cold touch of their boney fingers as they slowly wrap around my neck and weigh me down.

They cannot smell their toxic breath as they creep ever so closer to my face, trying to peer into my soul.

They cannot taste the sweat that drips off their bodies as they hover over me.

They cannot hear their whispers of sadistic and poisonous games in which they participate in.

Who are they? What do they want?

They try to say their names, but it’s almost as if they themselves don’t know who they are.

When I close my eyes, and focus, it becomes clear….

Dear mom and dad,

You abandoned me, left me for dead, locked me in a cage and took the keys with you when you died.

You left out in the wilderness to fend for myself like a rabid wolf. You suffocated me with lies, and fear… You fed me tales of love and happiness, only for me to end up gorging myself on false hope. The intense amount of anger that I have towards you is only part of what is to come. Did you ever think about how your death would affect me? That just maybe, all of those horrible things you did would come back and slowly kill me? Did you even happen to think of what might become of the little girl you loved so much? You passed your demons onto me without a second thought. You made the walls close in on me, I couldn’t breathe… Is that where you wanted me? On the path that tore you up? Am I just a mistake? You wasted your life, you let something as meaningless as a drug control your life… We could have been happy, it could have been different. All you had to do was use your head, is that too much to ask? All I wanted was to experience what a happy, normal family was…. You were my world, my everything… Then you left, I was there… and it was just me. I never had the chance to create memories with you, I never got a chance to get into trouble with you… You guys made me grow up before I was ready. I did not get to have the childhood that I wanted… Or a childhood at all! Because of you, my life was a wreck… For every memory that I could’ve had with you, I put a scar on my body. For every pill, hit, or snort you did, I carved a memory into my skin. For every laugh that we did not get to have, pieces of my happiness were lost forever. For every smile that you guys missed, I shed a tear. For every accomplishment I made, and you didn’t get to see, I burned a fake memory into my skin. For every single tear that I shed, a part of my life was taken from me. The social anxiety that I have caused myself cannot go without blame being put on your shoulders. If you would have treated me like a person instead of a doll, then maybe… just maybe… I wouldn’t have to take a deep breath before I walked out of my house. I wouldn’t have to hold back the tears whenever I see a happy family. I wouldn’t have doubts about my own child bearing abilities. You’re the reason my rage boils up before my happiness has a chance to shine. You’re the reason I cannot function on a daily bases. You just gave up… There was no trying. Why? Why would you do that? That Is a horrible example to set for your children… 

Because of you, suicide is a frequent thought in my head… I want to kill myself, because maybe then I’d get a chance to be with you again.

Because of your selfishness, I have no relationships with anyone in our family except my grandmother.

Because of you, we had problems.

Because of you, my life has been s**t.

Because of you, I see death as happiness.

You are no great parents, but you are still my parents.

I’m livid, but I’m also thankful….

Thanks to you, I know what not to do. I know how to avoid problems, I taught myself the ways of life. Thanks to you, I know that I can care more than you ever could.

Thanks to you, I have life. It may not be perfect, but I’m managing. Thanks to you, I’m on a vengeance path and have accepted my demons. 

I hate you, but I love you. I’m mad because you’re gone, but I’m glad because it taught me that I am the only person that I can depend on. My anger fuels my progress now. My vengeance pushes me towards greatness. My emotions are my greatest strengths

Author's Note

I lost my parents at a very young age, and for years I blamed myself. I am only 21, but I feel the trauma I witnessed, and experienced, made me wise beyond my years... Though, parts of me still manage to think it was my fault