Time

Does this make sense? Does anything?

Procrastination is so dreaded

in a world where everything is inspired by time. 

Rather the lack of time. 

It really is rather heinous, 

the idea that time could take away motives 

that are truly the purest on the earth.

Efficiency will be the ruin of this world. 

Why can’t we rewire ourselves 

to inspire something better

in the next generation.

Why don’t we change our systems

so that we don’t care about time anymore.

So that thoughts can take the time they need to enunciate their meanings.

Everyone is born into this world

unscarred and undamaged. 

However the value of life

quickly mixes with the value of time

until they are nearly indistinguishable 

like a lie woven with a truth

until the bearer of both doesn’t know what to believe. 

The value of life after birth

quickly diminishes

after time consumes everyone

and there isn’t space for a person’s thoughts anymore. 

Author's Note

Things are coming together.

Reviews

[Emma Olsen]

Towards the end there's a good flow with your words, but in the beginning and middle the fragments were really tripping me up while I was trying to process what you were saying. I'd suggest considering where you break the thoughts a little more, or at least using punctuation to indicate that the thought is more a continuation of a previous thought rather than a wholly separate one, as a period would suggest. For instance, I edited these lines to make them make more sense, because I got caught on them: "Procrastination is so dreaded/ in a world where everything is inspired by time - / maybe, rather, the lack of time." I'd smooth out this one, too: "Why don’t we change our systems/so that we don’t care about time anymore./So that thoughts can take the time they need to enunciate their meanings."
For some reason, most of this is sounding choppy to me, and I think it has to do with your enjambment and that a lot of your ideas don't seem to be exactly clear to me. Maybe ambiguity is something you're aiming for, but I had a hard time processing quite a few of your ideas, so I thought I'd point them out: "It really is rather heinous,/the idea that time could take away motives/that are truly the purest on the earth." What motives are these? Is this somehow in reference to 'time heals all wounds' or something? Unpack your generalities - words like thoughts, motives, dreams, etc. If you don't tell me what these things are to you as an author or what they mean to your narrator, how am I supposed to know? Be careful when you use large words - make sure your audience is fully aware and on-board with them.
"However the value of life/quickly mixes with the value of time/until they are nearly indistinguishable/like a lie woven with a truth/until the bearer of both doesn’t know what to believe. " Who is the 'bearer of both?' Everyone? No one? A single person? Dozens? Is it a concept? And what are they supposed to believe? I think, too, that comparing the two values to a lie and truth doesn't quite ring as correct for me . . . The comparison, honestly, seems very over-simplistic to me. I think maybe some specifications on what way you're interpreting the 'value of time' to be may be helpful here, because in many ways I don't equate value of life with value of time. (I would also venture to say that the value of time vastly fluctuates from culture to culture.) I have inklings of what you're trying to get at here (I think you mean to say that how busy we are can define who we are and that everyone tends to get wrapped up in this belief), but I'm not sure you're expressing it in the most concise way.
You might want to consider multiple stanzas, by the way, I'm not sure this all needs to be one, or perhaps turning this into a prose poem?

Overall, I like your sentiment, though, and I think this is an interesting subject and you've approached it in refreshing and unique way. Personally, I'm not sure I agree with all your points, but that's fairly irrelevant unless you want to engage in a philosophical debate. =P However, while I do like your style, I wish there were more images in this to grasp onto. You've got some wonderful, colorful verbs in here, but I think that personification, simile, and metaphor would all be helpful devices for you to include, since this is so lofty in its considerations. Perhaps some images or comparisons could help better flesh out some of your ideas. I'd suggest doing some research into poetic devices, in general, because your words are very pretty, but I think manipulating the way they're presented is your next step in order to progress your work. Repetition, especially, comes to mind for this, because I think that it could really help drive your point. I think, too, some elaboration might be helpful, because, while I understand your passion and some of your reasoning, I'm not entirely convinced by your points. WHY will efficiency 'be the ruin of this world'? What would be better for the next generation? Why should we change the system and how? When our brains are constructed to process time in a linear way, what changes can we make? Certain activities are draining and require us to budget our time effectively (for instance, writing reviews makes me exhausted after awhile, but when I have a number of people who've asked for reviews I have to find a way to budget everything appropriately and to use my time wisely. Some people will always have more demands than others and some people will love it and some will hate it - I see that as neither good nor bad so long as there's always the choice to walk away if you want to.), what does that mean for the system? What time is valuable and what isn't? What time and what value of it are you specifically referencing?
I know you're not writing an essay or anything, but it might be valuable to consider some of these, or, if you have, maybe elaborate more on them in the poem. This is more a suggestion for expansion, than anything, but the poem is fine as it stands so long as you clarify my earlier confusion, I think.

At any rate, good work and keep it up! Unfortunately, I can only look at one of your pieces right now, but let me know if you revise this and want me to look over it. I wish that time was my barrier for editing, honestly, but it's more exhaustion. Good luck with your future work.

[Aethereal]

Your free verse poem beautifully expressed the reality of how human society has turned time into a juggernaut, with is armies of watches, clocks ruling over us all. Down with the Tyrant!