Scrambled Thoughts

Trigger warning: ⚠️ Still learning to let go of the abuse.

Sometimes I wonder if I left in time.
Because those bruises and pains should be mine.

No one should fear their father,
He's supposed to love you.
I'm so sorry that he can't be bothered
to come through.

Sometimes I look back and only see the fears and nightmares.
Sometimes I see them in your eyes
- they don't belong there
- they terrorize.

Even though you smile and tell me you're okay,
The pain seeps out just like a leaky faucet may.
Please don't grow up with bars on your heart, Always wondering when you'll next fall apart.

Please don't grow up afraid to let yourself love someone -
Because of the things he's said and done.
You deserve happiness and comfort,
Not sadness and more hurt.

Sometimes I wonder if I gave you the right tools
- Taught you the right rules
- Or showed you that friendship is more precious than rare jewels.

Sometimes I wonder if I gave you enough strength
To walk with your head held high -
Did I teach you to always ask why?
Sometimes I wonder if I could have done more -
But then I remember every broken door.

I'm sorry that I stayed for so long -
What he did to us was very wrong.
I didn't understand, I didn't know.
There was no way to tell, how far he'd go.

Sometimes I wonder where I'd be, if I hadn't asked him to see me -
Sometimes I have to remember, that without the mistakes and heartaches.
My brave little ones wouldn't be here.

Author's Note

My lights. My life.
My children are above all else in this world.