I’m Depressions Pet

A Poem by Anonymous

A poem about a past year in my life where I fully succumbed to my depressed state

I carry depression as a pet
Well, I guess in a way, I’m the pet and depression is my master
I’m attached to it by a chain around my neck and I go wherever it tell me to
It doesn’t look like any human I’ve seen before
It’s more of a mix of all my nightmares into one living being
It judges every move i make
Sending thoughts and feelings through that chain and into my mind telling me
That I am not good enough
I’m a disappointment
And How I will never be a functioning human without it there to tell me every time I screw up?
But How can i be a functioning human when every time I take a step my legs crumble at the thought that I screwed something up
What?
I don’t know.
Sometimes I think about cutting the chain
But for some reason, the thought hurts me
I want the negativity to be gone
I want to feel happy
But somehow, over the many years of being with this…
Thing
I’ve contracted stockholm syndrome
And the thought of leaving my precious owner
puts needles in my heart
I don’t love it
But I am attached to it
In a sense
It is me.
Only I know the deepest parts of my brain
Only I know my greatest weaknesses
But why
Am I using them against myself
I’m tied to the most negative parts of my being
And that chain won’t let me let them go
I tried talking to my doctor about it long before it got this bad
Before I was attached
She told me it was hormones
Everything that was wrong with me was hormones
But I know what hormones look like and that thing isn’t it
I know that not every kid my age walks through the school halls with the thought of suicide stalking them like a silent killer
I know not every kid writes practice notes to their parents telling them why they decided to end their own life
So why do I?
I don’t want to die
But some days I really do think dying is better than living
When the things whispers turn into screams
And my silent cries turn to whales
When I trap myself in my closet when my mom leaves the house to stop myself from going into the kitchen to grab a knife
I don’t want to die
But some days walking is too difficult
And so i stay in bed
And when there’s nothing to watch on tv i get bored
And when I get bored
That thing tells me to die
I want to make friends
But I’m selfish
I’ve never been first in a friendship
I would drop anything for them
But they wouldn’t do the same
The thing tells me it’s because I’m not good enough
I don’t deserve their friendship
I don’t want to die
But I also don’t want to cut the chain
I want to stay with me because it’s the only thing that’s stuck with me this long
The only thing that’s talked to me everyday
The only thing that keeps me company when I’m home alone and no one will hang out with me
I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t run away
And I’m afraid of what will happen if I do
I just know that I’m tired of being a pet to an abusive owner.
I don’t want to be a pet at all
So I have to find a way to cut the chain
How?
I don’t know