Really liked this. Just something that might help you tighten it up - this is the principle part of the poem for me -
Cast me not away for I still feel the wind upon my skin
The stars still shine from where I stand
Yet thine eyes see only the flames upon my sin
Witness only to the heart in your hand
you can change this to make it more poetic by removing the first three 'the's.
Cast me not away for I still feel wind upon my skin
Stars still shine from where I stand - makes the alliteration more pronounced.
Yet thine eyes see only flames upon my sin
Witness only to the heart in your hand - makes the last 'the' stand out more.
Maybe check out other 'the's and opening words in lines as well?
Definately is worth doing then enter a few competitons. Good luck.
Really liked this. Just something that might help you tighten it up - this is the principle part of the poem for me -
Cast me not away for I still feel the wind upon my skin
The stars still shine from where I stand
Yet thine eyes see only the flames upon my sin
Witness only to the heart in your hand
you can change this to make it more poetic by removing the first three 'the's.
Cast me not away for I still feel wind upon my skin
Stars still shine from where I stand - makes the alliteration more pronounced.
Yet thine eyes see only flames upon my sin
Witness only to the heart in your hand - makes the last 'the' stand out more.
Maybe check out other 'the's and opening words in lines as well?
Definately is worth doing then enter a few competitons. Good luck.
I don't do well with talking about myself so I will simply say that my writing sets the stage for my imagination to play. But more than that, every piece I write, whether a poem or novel, is a bit of .. more..
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