Listener

When Love and Hatred share one mind, it's up to us to live with both of them.

Bleeding nose and hurting cheek led Susie to the park on the outskirts of the city. Despite its popularity among the couples and elders, this evening it was surprisingly deserted. After she made sure that she was far enough from a street, the short-haired girl in the black leather jacket and shabby miniskirt fell on one of the benches to take a napkin from her sac. She couldn’t stop the tiny drops of red from falling off her nose no matter how hard she tried.
- Seems like a tough day, huh? - Susie heard a voice coming from a bench couple of meters away. A tall man with shoulder-length hair was sitting against the canvas on the tripod. In his hand, he had a tassel that he used in a way that looked more like wielding an epee.
- Kind of… - she replied after a prolonged sigh.
- A harsh break up or a racketeer?
- Just another quarrel with a jerk I’ll never see again.
- Hope he feels bad for what he has done, - the stranger was talking without casting a single glance at his collocutor. - Do you regret it?
Susie threw with anger a crimson napkin on the ground.
- So we are having a sweet conversation here, right?!
- Believe it or not, I’m interested in your story.
- Like you have nothing to entertain yourself with, Mr. Politeness.
- Everyone has something to tell about, though not everyone wants to listen, - he finally took his eyes off the canvas and looked at Susie. - You seem to be bugling to seams with anger, sincere enough to be splashed out at the next man.
For some reason, his gaze was incredibly hard to bear, so she turned her head the opposite way.
- What a waste of time…
- You know, there are about eight billion people all around the world with their own stories, emotions and experience. I would spend my whole life on listening to all of them.
- Then, after all, your life would be pointless. People are a multi-million stupid biomass with the thoughts and ideology that other people made them believe in through the mass media, internet and other s**t. Talking to everyone is simply a wasted effort.
She pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her sac and put one in her mouth. She tried to find her lighter somewhere inside, but her attempts were unsuccessful.
- That sounds like the words of one who prefers not to listen, but to complain, - the stranger sat down next to Susie and offered her a lighter that she grabbed crossly right after.
- You’re gonna blame me for having no desire to listen to somebody’s useless tales?!
- So you think it’s something one should be blamed for?
- Shut up… - his words made her turn her head once again, like she was an ashamed kid. She made an extended puff and tip of the cigarette dissolved in the ashes.
- I’ve met dozens of people and I’ve heard even more different stories. All of them have something common, and nevertheless, you always find a certain detail that is inherent only to that specific one. That’s what I like the most…
The stranger took a shawl from one of his pocket and gently wiped a scarlet spot on her cheek. Reacting in no way, Susie asked almost soundlessly:
- And how many silly girls with the torn pantyhose have you met?
- You’ve gotta be the first one, I guess.
- What a liar… - she softly leaned against his shoulder.
While the cigarette was burning out, a lonely tear rolled down her cheek.
- So, what was his name?..

Author's Note

For your review, no matter positive or negative one, you'll have a bonus karma. Please, don't hesitate to write any of your thoughts about this story. Thanks!

Reviews

[Mustafa]

Hmm, I think this is a different kind of story which I unfortunately misunderstand, I think that is the main problem , you failed in reaching my mind, but no doubt you have a special style in writing, just try more to be more understandable, you have to explain more details so the reader can understand more and imagine better, I hope you don't take it personal, I'm waiting for that bonus karma , another thing, stories don't have to be sophisticated but have to be understandable, that's my opinion on your story

[emmajoy]

Firstly, this needs careful editing to correct spelling errors and tip-tilted phrasing. That's the negatives said. ('bugling = bulging?)

Susie's anger and hurt quickly claims her character, whereas the tall man with shoulder-length hair remains a mystery, a person who lures the reader to discover who or what he is. Clever.

Your breaks for dialogue aren't as clearly made as they might be.. but in essence, what's said is just enough to explain at least some of what's been going on and its aftermath. Again, one wants to know how, where, why, what and who was included.involved!

There are bits I don't understand, language-wise -or, perhaps are your way of dropping a clue, eg,
' .. the stranger took a shawl from one of his pocket(S).

I'd like you to edit, I'd like you to develop this into a longer piece or - keep this post as a chapter 1.
Please!

[alanwgraham]

You have a very interesting and unusual style of writing that give the story a kind of 'out of this world' feeling. You sometimes make the reader work too hard in picking up the details. eg 'A tall man with shoulder-length hair was sitting against the canvas on the tripod. In his hand, he had a tassel that he used in a way that looked more like wielding an epee.' What is this about? I guess that he's an artist with a canvas on an easel but i'm not sure!
Further on the phrase 'bugling to seams' is a puzzle. Then you describe the man as ' talking without casting a single glance' but later 'his gaze was incredibly hard to bear'.
I think there is a unique style to your writing that you should try to keep but you need to work hard on the detail - lots of careful reading over - does it make sense?
Good luck.
Alan