Melancholy Lullaby

The raindrops pitter patter on the rooftops
The way your little feet once did
Across the floor of our home
When you first took steps and learned to walk.
I remember the songs you'd sing,
Playing in your room with your toys.
They echo in my heart,
My melancholy lullaby
While I cry myself to sleep.
It seems so long ago now
As the days pass ever on.
I wonder if you've forgotten me...

I see you when I look out into the forest
From this lonely apartment window.
I imagine you playing in the trees,
Picking flowers and laughing, calling my name
The way you always used to do.
I miss you, and my soul is crushed by longing
For the day I see your face again.

Author's Note

For my daughter.

Reviews

[JayG]

• The raindrops pitter patter on the rooftops The way your little feet once did

My little feet pattered on the rooftops? That’s not what you meant, of course, but it is what you just told me.

Think of the reader. They arrive with no idea of the subject, where we we are in time and space, or who we are. And they are NOT going to read this, then, having context, reread it to have to make sense. The reader needs context as-the-words-are-read. But at the end we still know nothing about either party, The speaker could be parent, sibling, relative, or neighbor. The gender of both is unknown. The reason they’re not together is unknown. So what do we know? That someone we don’t know misses someone not introduced. Do we care? No, because you’ve given the reader no reason to. It’s you talking about you in terms meaningless to an outsider.

At the moment you’re thinking in terms of informing the reader—providing an informational experience. But poetry is all about emotion, not facts. And the emotion in question is the reader’s. They don’t want to learn that someone unknown misses someone unknown, they want you to make THEM miss that person. They want you to make THEM feel and care, not be informed on what’s important to you.

At the moment you’re using the writing methodology we’re given in school—as we all do when we turn to poetry or fiction—as they ready us for employment: Fact-based and author-centric. As you do here, a narrator who can be neither seen nor heard, and so is dispassionate, talks TO the reader using prosaic language, providing an informational experience.

But poetry is emotion-based and character centric. We place the reader into poem, emotionally. It’s a very different approach from the one we were taught. But it is the approach that works best for poetry, so it’s worth learning. And that’s my point. It’s not a matter of talent or how well you write, it’s that you’re missing critical information. But since your words act as a pointer to memories and experiences in your head, and the voice you hear is your own voice, filled with emotion, it works, and you’ll see no problem.

Try this: Download Mary Oliver’s, A poetry Handbook, and read a chapter or two. I’m betting that you’ll find yourself saying, “Oh…that makes sense. But how did I not see that for myself?” Here’s the address of the download site:
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

I know you were hoping for something better, but since we’ll not address the problem we don’t see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Draven]

Hey, friend. Thank you for your review. I appreciate it. I respect what you said, and you think you are correct. I will say, this piece of mine here is more for myself alone, a sort of journal entry of sorts merely written in a poetic format. I was taught that poetry is not supposed to be for just yourself. In other words, your poem should be open ended enough that it's relatable to the reader, not them just seeing your situation and reading about it. Write about your situation in a way that they can place themselves in it and feel like it is their own too, not so specific that they can't see themselves there. I'm not sure if this is true or not, but if it is, I wrote this poem under that assumption. I posted this here because I wanted a backup of it somewhere because my Google Docs stuff has been erased before years ago.

However, your criticism is something I assume I also have have done in my work that is meant for people to read and not just my own journalistic poetry. So I will still check out your suggestions to improve that and I appreciate you reaching out about it. Seriously, thank you. I haven't written all the much in years up till now and I haven't ever had a lot of direction for how to really improve as a poet.