Little Footprints

Little Footprints through life, if what had not been was. got the idea from this story of the sit com 16 and pregnant and programmers like tht

Laying down on the bed, i suddenly felt a pulse quicken in my stomach. It was strange and surreal at the same time. the beat felt like a mouses heart.  

I called over to my partner and said to him that i could feel the heartbeat. The world had changed so much since that evening when i took the test, and it came out positive. I reacted to the news by crying with shock, and slight joy. As i got used to the news i became more attached to the fetus, even though i knew i shouldn't. 

I have an acidic stomach, which meant that i puked up mostly everything i ate. And that even meant the pregnancy pill. I guess i should of seen it coming, but i didn't. I am a normal healthy young adult, who enjoys normal things, who goes to collage and who lives in student halls. 

The cliche of the pregnancy swirled around in my head,as i stared at the positive sign on the test. I had brought two just to be sure. We decided to buy a pregnancy test, one evening after sex. Of course all the signs were there i just had  never noticed them before. I am usually flat chested, however i had developed plump breasts. And dare i say about the orgasms ? they were f*****g immense! and of course the random mood swings, which i also developed. Of course i can not leave out the strange food cravings, such as chicken and chocolate. and the biggest sign of all i had not been on my time of the month, for what charted up to be two months. s**t. 

First worst situation of my adult life. Telling your man that your pregnant, and hoping he does not freak out. 

Thoughts go round in your head, and you really need his support but you don't want to freak him out. As i told him i couldn't pull myself together, i just cried and kept apologizing. 

In the couple of the days that followed, we both adjusted to the news. And secretly i was beginning to feel very happy and floaty, about being pregnant. Apart from our families did not know, and we still had not got to that stage yet, but we would eventually. I still remember going through the supermarket with my non suspicious mother and my partner. There were little children singing in the entrance, and according to my man i was glowing. 

We worked it out that i was 12 weeks pregnant. And so i was due in July. I was not showing yet. amongst all the thoughts and worry we both felt during the long days and hours, in the evenings it was magical. It was magical because, it was just us three. In my student room, watching films of Netflix and eating sweets etc. We were in our private bubble and i would give anything to have that time back again. 

My student bedroom had an en-suite and so it was easy to go to the loo! we made a plan and a future, the future was our baby, that was growing inside of me. In those evenings i felt something i had never felt before, it was almost as strong as Love. It was love but it was enlightened and its name is Maternal instinct. I found it hard to sleep because i could feel her/him moving around inside of me. In the mornings i felt like death but i had to drag myself out of bed for collage.Some people have morning sickness, i just felt sick usually. But the biggest problem for me were the mood swings, i didn't even know i was having them. I thought i was always in the right.

growing day by day, i fell even more into the releam of the happy bubble. But i didn't care, i was happy but frightened at the same time, of how i would break the news to my family. my thoughts were on the baby and my partner and the world outside of collage. I struggled in collage because there was so much to think about. 

Eventually i came clean to relatives and teachers. The teachers first as i knew they would be more understanding. I looked in the mirror in the girls bathroom, i was starting to show slightly through my red top. For the first time in the weeks that had gone by, me and my Baby was under threat from the world around us. I didn't know where to turn, i just wanted to run away.

I felt connected to this baby, in a  way noone will ever understand. Only i could feel its heartbeat every single day, I could tell when it was resting from moving around in me, and when it was active. The movement in my stomach was strange, it felt like someone was pulling my bellybutton from the inside,tugging almost. 

I will not even discuss what my family did when they found out the news. It went something along the lines of how evil i was, and how stupid i was. I could not take it, this was MY BABY , our baby. I felt so alone, more alone than i had been. I needed support not people yelling and shouting at me. I didn't want an abortion but they kept insisting that i had to have one. I admit i did think about it, but then my brain was yelling at me that it was a bad idea, and that i could make this baby plan work. I was not some silly 13 year old who got knocked up behind the bike sheds! I was 19 going on motherhood. 

Christmas eve came soon enough, and i was packing my bags and leaving for my student digs in my local town. I couldn't believe that my family were such f*****g c***s, no comfort what so ever. I felt like i was drowning from everything and everyone around me, i tried to calm myself down, but the world was shattering around me, and i couldn't myself back up. My family would disown me if i kept the baby, and they would never get on with me again. My partner was getting fed up i could tell, and who could blame him? however i just needed someone there not giving me grief. 

Before i left for my student room, i went into the local church. It was empty and only lit by the sunlight. The stain glass windows were beautiful, i felt like a traitor being in there and knowing what i would have to do for everyone s benefit. I poured my heart out to the one being that might listen, and yet i felt a thousand galaxies away from him.  I spent Christmas eve with my man and the baby.

Whatever people might say, the peer pressure got to me. After all the s**t i have gone through in my life, i could not bear the lose my family. But i do not believe in killing something that's done me no wrong. I promised the baby that i would make things work out. Some evenings i would just fantasize about what he/she would look like. How i would tuck her in at night, and how we would be so happy, and how ready i was for it all.

I would give them coco pops in the morning, and they would do cute little drawings which i would hang up on the fridge, as my mother used to do with me. The baby would be beautiful and nurtured lovingly. When it would be time for me to cradle it in my arms for the first time, it would be magical for both me and my partner. To finally have that little angel in our arms, after the days and weeks of wondering what sex it would be, and what we would name it.

The Day arrived when the older generation got there way. One of the main reasons

why they were trying to get me to have an abortion, was because they did not want

a "scandal" in the family,else it would reflect bad upon them. They never gave me a chance to express my feelings about MY baby. They always shouted me down with hurtful words. 

I felt like i was alone, and lost. I felt drained and dead. a caring person asked me if i wanted to keep the baby. After all the weeks and days we had been through of talking about the future. Of course i f*****g did. I felt like i was on death row. 

The nurse called me and my partner in for the scan. I lay down on the bed and lifted up my top. It was quiet in the room as she rubbed a load of cold jelly gel onto my stomach area. I took a deep breath and wondered what it would come up as. 

I could not see the monitor, i could only go by the expressions of the nurse and my partner. After she had done the scan, she talked me through some stuff which i forgot. 

And then she handed me a picture of the scan. She pointed to where the baby was. I got see a tiny blob as i observed the black and while photo. Reality struck in at that very moment. The happy bubble had gone, and was replaced by dread and guilt. As the nurse with the very quiet voice talked some more, i could feel a lump in my throat. I didn't cry but i felt like screaming. 

Eventually the day came. The last few hours i would spend with my dear one, and i would not even get to see it. I was a killer and i still can not find the words to describe how much i loathed and hated myself. Hate myself. I wanted to die, for them to kill me, I wanted the baby to live not me. I felt guilt ridden most of all, not only for my baby but for my partner. putting him through this, why the f**k did we meet? his life would be better off without me.

We sat in the waiting room for half an hour. Other girls were waiting there too, but they did not so bothered by it, like i was. I felt like i was in a play, where the audience were looking at me, but i could not see them. They were talking about me and laughing at me.

The fatal words came from the nurses mouth, as she said they were ready for me. They were ready for me? really? well sure as hell i was not ready for them. I said goodbye to my relative and my partner. The next time they would see me i would be normal. nothing magical growing inside of me, no baby i could feel moving. Nothing apart of me would be left. 

I was lead up the stairs and into a waiting room, where i was told to undress and put on one of those silly gowns. When i went into the waiting room, a girl was waiting. And when i came out in my gown she had vanished. I felt like i was in a horror film, a horror film that could not and would not end. 

For a split second i considered running, running as far as possible. But even that was f*****g impossible. Where the f**k would i go if i did that? they had got my clothes, all i would have would be a gown. and the world was against us anyway. It was just me and my baby. Our baby who i was about to kill. I didn't want to , i was screaming inside for someone to hear me, but noone could. even when i voiced my views out load i got shouted down. 

I waited, and looked around the room, the white plain room. i could hear the murmur of voices. I just wanted to cry and bury my head in my partners chest. But i was alone, ready to go into execution. I was then called.

I felt like i was about to be stranded on top of a drop on a roller-coaster, and only me would fall after the push. I lay down on the bed, and they prodded and poked me with wires etc. They thought i was just another hopeless young adult, who wanted to have there baby got rid of. who had no feelings or sense at all for life what so ever. If i could of told them the truth i would of. 

They and me were about to take my angel away from me. The angel that never would be. Never be in our arms, or never laugh like babies do. We would never see his/her sparkly stunning eyes.

They wheeled me into the operation,death room. they introduced me to the nurse and then they injected me. I blacked out. 

I opened my eyes, for a split second not remembering where i was or what had just happened to me. My eyes and ears adjusted to the sound of the radio beside me, and the light around me. Suddenly it hit me.

There was a hole in my stomach. Something was missing, something that never would be returned again. It felt like my entire stomach had been emptied, leaving nothing. i could feel nothing in my stomach. Nothing, nothing was moving. That dear little thing was not moving and keeping me happy. 

It was gone. Gone forever. I looked around the room as much as i could, as i was still drugged up. I felt like i was in a horror film. some sick twisted horror film. When the victims wake up in a strange room, and find themselves missing half there body or trapped in a cage.  I was in a bubble where noone could reach me. And then the tears started rolling down my cheeks. I was in pain, and empty. most of all empty. Alone, lost. it was not in me like it should be!!! 

The nurse got me a wheelchair, and took me to the recovery room. I could not stop crying. There were a few girls in there who did not show the slightest bit of remorse what soever. I cried and cried, I wanted her/him back. I hobbled out of the wheelchair and collapsed onto a green armchair. I wanted my partner and my mother.

I cant remember how long i was in that room for. They offered me something to eat, but i couldn't eat. how the f**k was i supposed to eat at a time like this! I felt a surge of sickness run through me, i wobbled to the toilet and threw up. I looked at myself in the mirror, and was still crying. i looked pale and awful. 

Any woman who says that they are over an abortion are lieing. If they have no emotions about killing a little baby, then they are sick. It is a part of you that will always be there.