Stop Three

Stop Three

A Story by Archia
"

There's someone dead underneath you

"

There's someone dead underneath you.



You ran for the train, hoping that if you did, you'd just be able to make your next bus in time. With the two bags, you don't go down to the lower seats, but sit in the small area that's level with the platform. It was only three stops anyway.


Stop one.

You hurry the people getting on in your mind. You know you’re cutting it tight, but if you sprint off the train and up the stairs then you should make it.


Stop two.

Glancing at your watch again and again, you rehearse your every step. You get ready now, rising from the seat, backpack on firm, other bag held tightly in preparation.


Stop…

The train had stopped, your carriage only just reaching into the platform. All the other carriages would still be plunged into the darkness of the tunnel. You’re itching to get off the train, but your chances were growing dim.  

Someone from the platform peered down and then looked straight up at you. A hand sliced across their throat.


There's someone dead underneath you.

The bus leaves with an empty seat.

© 2020 Archia


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As a whole, this is an intriguing & unique story. I like little snippets of life that plunge us into the mindset of some character like this, obviously obsessive about time & rehearsing where he/she is going, etc. That's all sharply written & spot-on for painting the way many people can be over-rehearsed. It's also a great contrast between this character that's into "CONTROL" & then the scene he/she stumbles upon, which will incite pandemonium. I love the way you leave the ending abrupt, to let the reader fill in the blanks about how this pandemonium might ensue . . . but you lay the stage for many lingering thoughts about this little anecdote. The only thing I felt was missing is that we do not get to see & feel & hear & smell this narrator, having a reaction to this sight . . . just a few palpable lines would be nice, to put us deeper into the mystery. Here, you skip over the most powerful aspect of your story . . . the climax. It's never a bad thing to let a suspenseful moment last & last & last even a little longer than you might've tried, at first! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 5 Months Ago


Archia

4 Months Ago

Thank you so much for reading. I agree with you, it is a bit of a sudden end. I wrote this for a cha.. read more

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Added on March 9, 2020
Last Updated on March 9, 2020

Author

Archia
Archia

About
Really, I'm just one of you. Come in, sit down, grab a cup of tea and enjoy a good read (now that may be a questionable statement). If there's anything in any of my stories that you want to be exp.. more..

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