Chapter :3

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                                           Chapter Three: Glue and Miracles

They started acting nice again.

As if kindness could fix what they broke. As if soft voices and fake smiles could erase years of silence, screams, and slammed doors. My two cousins sat beside me on the worn-out couch, their voices sugary, almost rehearsed. The older one scrolled through her phone, glancing up every now and then with a hollow “you good?” The younger one tried to braid my hair like we were little again, like that could sew shut the hole in my chest. My grandparents offered food, offered chores, offered things that looked like care. But none of it felt real. It felt like a play. Like everyone had lines to say and I’d forgotten my script.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to feel.
I didn’t know if I was supposed to be grateful.
All I felt was tired.
Not the kind of tired you fix with sleep�"no, this was soul-deep. It was the kind of tired that came from pretending you were okay so long, you forgot how to be anything else. And inside that tiredness was fear. So much fear. Fear that I’d never feel real joy again. Fear that this�"this aching chest, this numb head, this confusion�"was just who I was now.

I kept waiting to cry, but the tears never came.
They’d dried up somewhere between hospital walls and slammed bedroom doors.
Now it was just silence in my throat, tightness in my chest, and that horrible, invisible weight that settled on me every morning like a second skin. I missed my family. Not the one pretending to care. Not the one patching holes with shallow apologies. I missed the idea of family�"the kind I never really had, but still somehow grieved like I lost it.

I wanted to scream at them: “This isn’t real! None of this is real!”
But what would that change? They’d just call it overreacting. Being dramatic. “She’s still not better.” So I stayed quiet. I smiled when I had to. I sat through the fake laughter and dinner table charades. But inside, I was breaking all over again. Trying to find a version of myself that didn’t feel like a shadow. Trying to believe in something�"anything�"that could make this pain stop.

But glue can’t hold a shattered mirror.
And miracles don’t visit houses like mine.

IM NOT OK! IM REALLY NOT!

im scared, I'm lost, I hate everyone , mostly myself- my looks-actions-voice- EVERYTHING!!

I just wanna go, forever, I wanna fall in a deep shallow and dark hole that swallows me shut forever.

they think I'm the problem, they think I'm spoiled, well I'm sorry but u cant f*****g lock up a 13 year olds in a small house and homeschool her, take away her parents,siblings and everyone she ever loved, always yell at her and call her name and expect her to be happy, no...NO!...I'm human too and I need help...I really do. I wanna feel loved...that's all.....if not from this family.....then from my parents (who never cared enough to stay) was it me? was I the problem? was i the reason my family was falling apart? I apalogize everyday, for things I've done and haven't done. but I'm so hurt. I wake up everyday and stare at the ceiling with a sharp aching and burning pain in my heart. My heart slows down as my brain quickens with thoughts,emotions and words, I'm numb but full of emotions that don't work anymore. I'm sorry if I ever done anything wrong but I'm struggling to find myself, I lost myself trying to please everyone I loved just to find out that they don't love me. having a big heart always leads to broken and missing pieces of not only my heart, but also my life. I'm still looking for those pieces....I scream and scream begging for help with small warning signs, do they not notice or do they just ignore? either way, noone cares. behind every broken person is someone who once had hope and joy.When is it my time to go?.....