Ice

I'm freezing beneath this winter night
but I'm afraid I can't light a fire
because all I can see is white
and I'm trapped inside this mire
if only I'd been more cautious
I wouldn't have fallen into this place
and what's that smell? I'm nauseous
what would happen now? Such a disgrace.

I hold your hand firmly
I won't let go this time
if only you could hear me
and forgive me for my crime.

Author's Note

Ignore bad grammar

About the crime, the poem is inspired in a short story which I wrote a few years ago, maybe I'll post it someday, in this story I killed my mistress and while trying to get rid of the body I fell to a pit where I ended up trapped at last.

Reviews

[Legion]

"I'm freezing beneath this winter night,
but I'm afraid I can't light a fire
because all I can see is white
and I'm trapped inside this mire.
If only I'd been more cautious
I wouldn't have fallen into this place
and what's that smell? I'm nauseous.
What would happen now? Such a disgrace.

I hold your hand firmly.
I won't let go this time.
If only you could hear me
and forgive me for my crime."

Okay, I corrected the grammar part for you. Now, the review. I think you have some interesting potential here. The depth and despair definetely shows. I think more might be needed in defining the crime. That is a bit vague in that department and leaves the reader wondering (although that is not always a bad thing). Anyway, I like it. Makes me feel like I am struggling for warmth on a freezing winter's night and the only thing keeping me company is the whisps of breath from my exhalation. Kudos to you and if you rewrite it, let me know and I'll re-review it for you.

[Vesa Lee]

I hope you do post the story that influenced this piece.
I'm very intrigued and would thoroughly enjoy reading it if you ever did.
Beautiful as is.
Wonderful work!

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

hmm...kinda figured the person killed someone...it is a good written poem
Great Job

[Elmij Jim]

:o cow!. makes me think about the wrong things I've done. great poem.

[Thulasi]

i really admire your passion to write poetry in a language that is not your first.

as for this poem, the desperation of the speaker definitely shines through in the rhythm of the poem - quick paced, but also uncertain. Great work!

[Läin]

INteresting and wonderful, well done.

[Legion]

That clears the subject of the crime up. Would be interested in reading the original story when you get it posted. Kudos to you.

[Deborah Leah Krempa]

A well written poem. I tend to agree with Legion in that I wonder more about what crime occurred. Thank you for sharing. Debileah