Just Breathe

They say in the end, everything will be okay,
But its not the end, and it wont be for years.

"Just Breathe", she says..

As she sits in front of her mirror, takes a deep breath, and begins to examine her broken life.
Questions fill her head, why am I still here?
Tears steadily fall down her face
Shes wishing she was living in a better place
This world is nothing as it seems
Reality has overcome all her dreams
She pretends to be someone shes not
She hides, shes become afraid.
Alone, left with nothing, shes done a good job shutting everyone and everything out of her life
Every second of every day, they tried to help, because they actually cared
But she wouldn't let them, she didn't need the help anyways
The drugs and alcohol quickly took over her life
they were the only things that kept her going, the only things that kept her happy
how?
they eased the pain that crept throughout her body
they made her forget of all the bad things going on
And when she's sober, you question?
Shes not. She cant be. Shes become too addicted
Her bodies shutting down, shes getting weak.
Giving up completely, shes lost hope in absolutely everything.
shes done trying, trying to change.
Without a doubt, she's lost.
She's been through it all too many times.
They try to make sense of why she's doing this.
But they can't figure it out, they don't understand.
Not now, not ever will they know.
She's clearly a mess, broken into pieces that can't be put back together.
She see's her life flashing before her eyes.
Is this the end? Is it my time to go?
Will everything be okay?

"Just breathe",
Tomorrow will be a better day

Author's Note

What can I change to make this piece of writing stronger? showing more emotion?

Reviews

[Jamie S.]

Maybe try specifically putting some of those dreams of hers out there. Thats the only thing I can think of...it was hard to find anything this is a very emotional and powerful write. We all have either gone through it or are close to someone who has. Reminds me of the song Breath by Ana nalic. Nice to meet you :)

[Tani]

If this is the full length, i think it might do bettter as a poem than a story. I think you should use more imagery and despair to express the full weight of her desperation. Just my opinion, i'm not a professional. Nice poem!

[AK]

Jamie and James have offered some good suggestions.
If this is your story please believe that there are all sorts of folks who do understand addiction(s) perfectly well and absolutely can help. Life indeed is worth the effort and there is nothing worse than just giving up.

In terms of the writing I would try to remember that "less is better". If I may offer an example...
Her will is finished, her last page has turned.
Hope, in everything... gone.
She's done.

But regardless of what others may offer, this is your piece. If it is exactly what you wanted then that's good enough.

[Sharkapillar]

She reminds me of me....
I think it's pretty powerful enough, yet vague, which somehow makes it powerful (Dont ask, I dont even make sense to myself)
great write!!
♥♥

[A]

I really like this. I don't think there is anything that should be changed. Everything fits perfectly and we get a clear sense of the girl's life. I really liked the ending. It was a perfect way to end the story. With everything going wrong there is still hope.
'"Just breathe",
Tomorrow will be a better day"
Great piece :)

[James Paulin]

I liked this story because it conveyed urgency and distress with a remedy. I think it would convert to a prose poem and could be concentrated. One thing to think about is eliminating some of the 22 shes. Overall, a powerful piece.

[bubbles]

brillient. i realy like the level of emotion i think its spot on. its realy realy good i could feel her giving up. loved it ceep it up

there r verry thew things id eaven consider changing but sice u asked one of these that struck me.
u wrote;
"Alone, left with nothing, shes done a good job shutting everyone and everything out of her life"

i dont know seems a bit long or something. maybe;
Alone, left with nothing,
shes done a good job, shutting everyone out"

just an idia. to be honest i love it how it is. looking foward to reading moor of you're stuff

[Honeypot]

I like the style of this really well. Its kind of fresh and modern. I think maybe you need to check the "shes" some don't have apostrophes, other do. I think the amount of emotion you use is spot on. To much might make it seem over done. Really nice job on this. I'm glad I got to read it.

[WayOath]

This was good, good job. Poem disguised as a story lol

[Theresa]

A great story that so many people can relate to especially me. It's beautifully written and the emotion pours out of every word. Nicely done. Thanks for sharing.