toxicity

True writing stems from our own hearts and souls, but from the hearts and feelings of others. Our loved ones can influence us more than any other dramatic event in our lives.

You insist on seeing my true colors and my thoughts. You feed on my being, but I dont mind. A path has been created for my words to escape and conscience to free itself and paint the paper black. But little did you know these things inside me are treacherous and toxic little demons that where not meant to be let free. They escape from the vent you have created and they put on a mask as to not be discovered. you dont feel them poisoning you and hurting you. you see them as a beautiful thing but I see them for what they really are; vermin with the intent to harm and weaken you. It's hard to stand by and watch what is happening, but you will not stand for me to stop releasing them. with every word I put to paper, every typed out sentence I cringe with pain. Not for me but for you. Soon you must realize that not all demons can be exorcised. This is why I must keep them caged up. It may hurt me not to be able to show you how I feel, but at least you will be safer then if I let them roam free. 

I close the vents left upon my mind, my tongue and my palms. The pressure builds up, it unbearable. But I must suffer so that you may not. To keep you safe from harm was all I tried to do. It was hard but I did for a short time. Then I let my emotions take control, I raised my voice and got angry over something so harmless. I felt you move further from me at that moment. I felt my body get colder and I felt my demons closing in on me when I was most vulnerable. I still saw the light emanating from your beautiful and forgiving soul. It was the only thing that kept me from loosing myself in the darkness. You pulled me out of the pool of emotions I was drowning in. I gained control again. My body felt warmer then it had in a long, long time. Trying to move fast to bring you back into my life, I hit a wall. I could only conquer this wall by proving myself to you. proving that I can take care of you and keep you safe. I have still yet to do that. I can only hope that when I break down this immovable object that you will still be on the other side.