The Choice

Have you ever wanted to just... go away, leave everything behind?

I need to get away from here.
To go… I don’t know where. I just know I can’t stay here any longer. It keeps getting harder and harder to deal with all this, I need… something else.
I don’t quite know what just yet but I’ll find out. And it was about damn time I did this. It had crossed my mind a few times but it never was more than a thought, a dream. A few times before I almost went through with it, had everything planned, where I’d go and what I’d do when I’d get there. Obviously something would always come up. There were also times when I’d think I just simply forget all about the plan, accept that I can’t run away, that it’d be best to just settle down and accept the reality…
But this time I could no longer hold it in. Getting some clothes from the closet, throw them into the travel bag, grabbed the car keys, my phone, wallet and the leather gloves that my mother had gifted me for Christmas a few years ago but that only recently I had started to wear. These were the only things I wanted to take from here that I would need. Then I walked out. I don’t think I even cared to close the door. Whatever, that place had long stopped being my home, it belonged to someone else. So I left behind the responsibilities, the memories… the screaming.
It should be around seven in the afternoon or close to that, the sun was beginning to set so I put on my sunglasses, to cover my eyes from the sun light that was blinding me, but also to hide the tears that were starting to appear. For now I was taking all the emotions that made me act recklessly, but I didn’t care, I needed them so they would stop me from slamming on the brakes and reversed when I realized I was making a mistake and should instead face my problems instead of being a coward and run away from them, that I shouldn’t just throw away everything I have accomplished in order to build a life I could be proud of. But that life no longer made any sense to me, it had become… irrelevant. It was no longer enough. I want more, more than wasting away my days in a job that drained my energy and was sucking the soul out of me, I want more than thinking about marrying and having kids. More than a relation that wasn’t getting anywhere, an effort that was like keeping the Titanic from sinking. I want more! No… I deserve more. Deserve better. I can finally understand that. That I deserve and am worth more than what I was lead to believe.
I can’t quite recall when I began to feel this way. All I know is that once it started it felt like it had always been there, a feeling that laid dormant waiting for the catalyst to awaken it. Can’t say I know what exactly triggered it but it lead me to this moment. And in this moment I feel free.
The hours passed without me realizing it and the sun light that had bothered me before gave place to a starry night. I’ve always felt more comfortable in the night. Gave me a sense of belonging. At night there is solitude. Quiet. Peace. Back when I was in college, it was during the night that I lived the most. During the day I did whatever I had to do but it was then the dark settled that I felt the best. It was during that time that my emotions would being to awaken and I could handle all of them. God, I loved the late night walks, when the walls of my room would being to feel like they were that of a cage. I loved that that feeling. It was a quiet town so I knew that I could go outside and find nothing but silence and tranquility. I could walk in the middle of the road, listening to music, completely ignoring the world around me and nothing would happen. At the top of the theater, I could sit at the edge of the roof and watch the city just exist there, in its moment of solitude before dawn and it all go back to being busy again.
It was there I was the happiest in my entire life and made so many memories.
I breathe deep and take in the road ahead of me. It feels comforting, as if I was back on my late night walks, with the songs of Daughter to keep me company, now the perfect soundtrack to my escape. I turn up the volume and let the music swallow me, let it fill me hears, as if it is something physical that touches my skin and sends shivers down my spine.
And I scream.
Scream
SCREAM.
I scream until my throat hurts.
I scream harder.
I scream until I feel all my emotions come out like a raging storm, suppressed in the deepest darkest corners of my being.
I hadn’t done so in a few years. It always was the best way I could express what I felt and that would actually make me feel some sort of relief. It might not the healthiest way to do it, my throat most certainly disagrees with it, but at least I can feel all my anger, all my sadness, the frustration leaving my body.
I take the exit that leads me to the service station. I haven’t eaten in hours and my stomach is more than happy to remind of such. I go to the store and buy a drinking yogurt and some chocolate chip cookies and get back to the car. I sit back, slowly biting the cookies, wondering where I’ll end up in the next twenty four hours. I close my eyes e fall asleep. And I dream. There I find myself on an island, walking along the shore, the sun setting on the horizon and beside there is someone, holding my hand, a face that I can’t tell who it is come closer to kiss me.
I jump myself awake, the first ray of sunlight starts to show. Damned dreams.
I get back on the road, thinking of what to do next. Can’t say I ever thought leaving an entire life behind could be so… uncertain.
But right now one thing I do have is time. I know there is a beach half an hour away. That sounds nice. It has been a few years since I last touched the sand or the sea. Now seems like a fine time to do so.
I leave my car in the parking lot, a few minutes for the beach itself. When I get there I take a deep breath, taking in the smell of the ocean, burying my toes on the sand, rolling them in it. I sit down and watch the sun as it keeps going up in the distance, taking in the view as if it were the first time I see it, the wind blowing on my hair, the water gently caressing my skin. Sitting here for a couple hours, exhaustion starts to take over, the result of driving for how don’t know how many hours straight and a rather uncomfortable nap on the car seat. I lay down and let the waves lullaby me to sleep.
I wake up with something wet on my face, a puppy tongue going inside my nose, his owners running in our direction apologizing for his behavior. To be honest I didn’t mind, it kinda felt nice actually. Felling hungry again I head to the small café nearby to eat something and then to the small market next to it to buy a few thing that will surely be useful for the trip that is to come.
I spend some more time at the beach until I feel ready to get back on the road.
I’ve been thinking… of what to do next.
On one hand I have the open road and the possibility of a fresh start, some place new where no one knows who I am.
On the other hand I have the life that I’ve built over the years. And even though it is not the life I’m truly happy with, it already has solid foundations.
I get back to reality as I stop at a cross road. The sign points in two directions. One takes me to somewhere unknown. The other leads back to the highway and back home.
I need to make a choice don’t I?
One final deep breathe.
Then I drive away.