Body of Mine

A description of living with Systemic Lupus

I started to become aware of you around the age if 11.
It was about then someone else noticed you for me.
I could no longer be carefree, no, I had to cover up properly.
So under layers you’d be, even when temps were at a high degree.

As you developed …problems started for me.
Wars raging on the inside, my mind tussling for control as the rest of me explodes.
Who am I? What am I becoming?
Went from being blind to seeing red with no explanation in between.

As the years progressed I got used to you.
Although you changed from who you used to be.
I fell in love and appreciated every moment we shared.
Until someone else felt that they were more entitled to you than the one you actually belonged to.

Depression, suppression, growth and desire.
A never quenching, smoldering fire.
But somehow self love would get us both out.
Head above water, I could breathe.
Time to see what this life’s really about.

Into my own in an imperfect world.
Adaptive, strong, smart and beautiful.
Gifted, impractical, generous and hopeful.
Spiritual, edgy, sexy and fun.
Until one day, out of nowhere, I was told we were done.

I was distraught and distressed and in disbelief.
I couldn’t accept your decision to cause me grief.
On a daily basis, I struggled to show you.
We could do this together…be better.
But NO.
You kept demanding to be without me… so I let you go.

Apart for years, we still end up in the same places.
We’re separated and it’s a challenge to encounter you every day.
Everywhere I am…you are too.
I feel you in my mind and body but not spirit.
So many years of this pain and all I do is put on different faces.

I feel abused, but I’m actually abusing myself.
I feel abandoned, but I’ve abandoned myself.
Everything hurts and I want myself to stop hurting myself.
But how? When nothing I’ve tried works.
And it keeps getting worse…

I alone am in a love/hate relationship.
No one else to blame but me.
No one understands how it feels
To be walking around trapped inside of yourself, wanting to be free.

Tired of wondering why you turned against me.
But if I let go, I let go so much of me.
So I stay committed.
To the idea that somehow, some way…
You’ll decide to heal and come back to me.

Body of mine.

Author's Note

Ignore grammatical errors. It’s my self expression of my body and soul living with SLE.