My Own Goliath

In this introduction/Background chapter, addiction is compared to the giant, Goliath, needing to be slain. As it is the Introduction, events are summarized to be developed over the next 11 chapters.

 

 

 

 

Chapter One 

My Own Goliath:

Introduction and Background

 

 

 

 

Bear Y. Holley

An Addict’s Journey Through the Scriptures

  

 

 

 

All Scriptural quotes from the Tree of Life version Bible, unless otherwise noted.

My Own Goliath

Your servant will go and fight with this Philistine (1 Sam. 17:32).

David vs Goliath (I Samuel 17)

            Of all the extraordinary feats that King David accomplished in his lifetime, the killing of Goliath in his youth is possibly the most well-known. With Goliath’s armor was estimated to weigh about 125 pounds, and at the recorded height of almost ten feet, this giant would have towered over the young David, who is believed to have been under five and a half feet.

            It is believed that David’s encounter with Goliath was in the approximate year of 1012 BCE. David refused King Saul’s armor, as it was much too big (King Saul was a tall man himself) and too cumbersome to the shepherd who was not used to wearing armor. David, instead, placed his faith in Hashem. So David selected five smooth stones, and, with his shepherd’s staff and slingshot, faced down his giant.

            We all face our own giants in our lives; those things we have to overcome that are our biggest challenges. Whether it be breaking the glass ceiling in the business world or just being able to get one’s homework completed on time, we must face the challenges we experience. And we, just like the young David, must face these giants down without fear. We must also slay our giants by our faith placed in Hashem. As we read in Scripture, “Trust in Adonai with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding” (Prov. 3:5).

            We are called by the Lord to be strong in the face of adversity, relying on Him in times of worry. What goes through your mind when you think about your giants? Personally, I like to meditate on the verse, “Have I not commanded you? Chazak! Be strong! Do not be terrified or dismayed, for Adonai your G-d is with you wherever you go” (Josh. 1:9). It is comforting to think that Hashem is always with us, even in our darkest times, even when we face our giants. What is your Goliath? What do you see when you think of your biggest adversity? When you visualize your Goliath, do you remember that the Lord is always with you? Do you feel strong and comforted, or do you feel terrified and dismayed? The giant I face, and I face it daily, is easy to identify. The Goliath of my own life is addiction.

            I’m Bear, and I am an addict… this is my story.

 

David Overhears the Challenge (I Samuel 17:8-23)

            Goliath yelled his message every day to the Isra’elites for forty days in a row, morning and evening. It is thought that “He did this in order to prevent them from reciting Shema.”¹ Goliath’s challenge? A call for the Isra’elite army to choose a champion that would face him in one-on-one combat. The loser of the fight’s people would become an enslaved nation to the victors.

Young David, despite being too young to be in the military, heard Goliath while David was bringing food to his older brothers. He was told by a soldier that, in his desperation, King Saul had set a major reward for anyone who willingly fought the giant and killed him. The set reward included the king’s daughter for marriage, wealth, and more.² David, amazed that the king should offer so greatly a reward, and also that no one had taken the offer, set out to discover more. After questioning a few other soldiers as to what was going on, he was overheard by some of the king’s officials, and they escorted him to see the King, Saul. In his faith, “David was the only one to realize that even the greatest of men can be felled by a well-aimed stone, and that no one is stronger than G-d.”³  

            The first time I drank alcohol was when I was fourteen. Peach schnapps poured into my empty Snapple bottle. It’s funny that I can remember that random detail all these years later, but the flavor of Snapple is lost to memory. It was a random day, and I was hanging out with my then brother-in-law, both of us waiting for my sister to get home. I couldn’t tell you what made him decide that a young teenager needed a full bottle of liquor, but I drank the entire bottle. I got a decent buzz out of it, and I was hooked.

            For the rest of my high school career, I hid my drinking from everyone, other than a few good friends whom I partied with. My best friend knew I drank, but not to the extent that I did so. My parents were left completely in the dark. They caught me doing some of the stupider things I did while drunk, but they never suspected it was due to drinking. I dated a lot of partiers, especially if they had easy access to alcohol.

            By senior year, I was regularly getting drunk on weekends. One of the females in my main friends’ group had invited me to come to a party her boyfriend was having, and I accepted the invite. When I got there, I was shocked to see her drinking -- neither of us knew the other did so. After that, I drank with them nearly every weekend. After about six months of drinking with them, right after my eighteenth birthday, they offered me a joint at one of their drinking parties. I was a cigarette smoker but had never tried marijuana. I took two hits and coughed my brains out. No one told me it takes a while for the effect to happen, so by the time it was kicking in, I assumed it was the effects of the alcohol I was drinking. I didn’t think the pot worked on me, so I didn’t try it again for another decade.

            During my senior year, I was also put on pain medicine for an issue with my knee. It was Tylenol 3, just some acetaminophen with codeine, but I quickly found I liked the way it made me feel. After not too long, the effect lessened and I complained to my ortho, so he put me on Tylenol 4. I steadily progressed up the pain pill ladder so that by my early thirties, I was on 180 Vicodin 7.5mg per month, prescribed legally by my ortho. When I had the opportunity, I would also use Percocet and Oxycodone. To get these, I would schedule visits with other orthopedic doctors instead of my regular one. I complained of severe pain in my back that did not exist, and they would prescribe me the meds I craved and usually muscle relaxers on top.

            I tried more than once to stop taking pain pills and drinking, but when I experienced severe withdraw symptoms, I always went back to using them. Never once did I think I was addicted, though. To me, it was just a way to no longer feel pain. The physical pain was obvious, but also the pain of my childhood abuse and mental and emotional pain caused mostly by my own bad decisions as a teen and young adult. I did not want to feel the pain, so I would get high. And I got high daily. At this point in my life, I had the message of David’s faith mixed up in my head. I was one of the greatest of men (at least in my own view) and the well-aimed stone that was taking me down was drugs and alcohol. I had lost my faith in Hashem. I was a lost soul seeking comfort, and that comfort was found in getting drunk and high.

 

The Experience with King Saul (I Samuel 17:31-39)

            When David met with King Saul, he said, “Let no one’s heart fail because of him. Your servant will go and fight with this Philistine” (I Sam. 17:32). Saul was bemused, telling David that he was too young, and that Goliath was a trained soldier (see I Sam. 17:33). David goes into a description of the wild animals that he had defeated in the process of defending his flock, including a lion and a bear. David said that if he could take on a lion and bear successfully, a Philistine would not cause a problem -- not even a giant.

            David proclaims that if Hashem protected him in the fights with wild beasts, He would protect him in the fight against Goliath -- especially since the giant had “defiled the ranks of the living G-d” (I Sam. 17:36). After hearing such faith in the speech of David, Saul acquiesces and tells David to go fight the giant and blessed him with the favor of Adonai.

Saul tried to lend David his own armor, but as it was fit for Saul, it was too big for the much smaller David. It was also cumbersome to someone not accustomed to wearing armor. Here the commentary by Rashi has interesting input. Rashi believes that not wearing the armor was also a part of David’s faith, stating, “there is no miracle in them, i.e., there will be no praise for the miracle in this manner [of wearing armor]”⁴ So David took them off with plans of meeting Goliath on the battlefield wearing his tunic only and carrying a slingshot and shepherd’s staff.

            Somewhere during my time in high school, I lost my faith. I was raised Baptist and went to church twice on Sundays and once on Wednesday evenings. However, sometime during my sophomore year, I decided to quit going to church. All I saw among the members of the church my family attended was hypocrisy. When the preacher ran off and deserted his wife and children, the church split into two factions over the issue of what to do with his wife and kids. Half the church believed the abandoned family should be given time for the mother to find employment and save up money before asking the family to leave the church-given residence they lived in. The other half of the church demanded that she and the children must leave immediately. Whereas David believed he could achieve anything because of his faith -- killing the lion and the bear, and even taking on a giant, I abandoned my faith the first time things got hard. And it became hard to watch the hypocrisy of my church’s congregation divide my church into two. And then to hear my parents discussing how they were going to vote.

            Though only a teenager whose opinion had not been asked, and whose vote therefore did not exist, I agreed with the half of the church wanting to show empathy toward the family and give them time. My parents, who did have a vote to count, both agreed with the other half -- the mother and children must leave. Sadly, this issue divided the church so badly that the half of the church voting for showing grace was chased out of the church by the half denying the family grace. How could this happen, I thought, if the Christian religion was formed on the idea of the Lord’s grace? It was the highest level of hypocrisy I could imagine -- to trumpet the viewpoint of love, while inside you were full of hate.

            I sought comfort over the following five years or so from other religions, studying Shinto, Daoism, Buddhism, various strains of Paganism -- Wicca, Norse, Egyptian idols, etc., before finally settling on an Atheist view of the world. I had tried on so many different suits of armor, and, like David’s experience with King Saul’s armor, none of them had fit. Each religion I had tried felt cumbersome and heavy, as they were not made for me. Even Atheism did not truly fit me. However, with no religion in my life to guide my steps, I got heavier into pain pills and drinking. They were the main source of comfort in my life, that is, until I tried marijuana again in my early thirties.

            I thought that marijuana was a wonder drug. It actually took away the pain I had in my knee since childhood. And for a much longer span of time than pain pills ever had. But it also was quite good at numbing my psychological and emotional pain. I could simply smoke away the pain from my childhood, and all the bad decisions I made growing up did not seem that bad anymore. It was the most comfort I’d ever had. Marijuana also helped me get off the pain pills. I no longer felt the need for the effects of them since marijuana was much more efficient at relieving the issues I had. Not to mention the withdraw symptoms I had over trying to stop pain pills were now nonexistent. I still was irresponsible when I did get prescribed pain pills, but I no longer needed to seek them out, especially not in the quantities I had been using.

            And possibly the best part of it all, as I no longer believed in any higher power, there was no guilt in my life over my decisions. When I say the best part, I mean what my addicted brain told me was the best part. I was feeding my addicted brain, and frequently doing so, but I completely ignored my starving soul. Yet still, never once did I see myself as an addict. I was enlightened, I was better than ‘those losers,’ it was not an addiction as I still believed I could stop it all at any time -- I just wasn’t ready to stop yet. It wasn’t like I was shooting up or taking hard core drugs. I was just enjoying the weed and alcohol. It was fine. I was okay. Everything would turn out right someday. After all, a strong-willed, enlightened human being couldn’t get addicted, right?

            Through all this time, my early twenties to my mid-thirties, I had gone through women at an alarming rate. Suddenly, I was getting married for the third time. I mean, those first two marriages weren’t important, at least I thought so in my head. It wasn’t like I had anything to learn from them. So, they were swept under the rug and not thought of. I figured, third time’s a charm, this one would turn out okay. And the best part? She was also a pothead.

            We reveled in our use of marijuana. We were high nearly all the time. We were high when we went on our first date. We were high when I asked her to marry me three months later. We were high at our wedding another five months after that. We were high when she started cheating on me a couple years into our marriage.

Obviously, the third time was not so charming.

 

The Giant’s Taunts (I Samuel 17:41-44)

            David approached Goliath after stopping to gather five stones from a brook. Goliath looked about and saw that Isra’el had chosen a very odd candidate to do battle with the great giant from Gath. “The idea behind ‘looked about’ is almost that Goliath had to look around to find David. David was so small compared to this man that Goliath had a hard time even seeing him... [And] There was nothing -- nothing -- in David that struck fear or respect in Goliath’s heart. Goliath felt insulted that they sent David”⁵

As David had his shepherd’s staff with him, Goliath asks if he was a dog because young David approached him with a ‘stick’ (see I Sam. 17:43). Also in verse 43, we read that Goliath cursed David by ‘his G-d.’ From this cursing, David proclaims that Goliath has taunted the Lord. This was unacceptable to David. This will come in during the next section. After this, Goliath beckons David to come near that he may feed the flesh of David to the birds of prey and the cattle in the field. This we will also see in the next section as David replies specifically to both taunts.

            My addiction was like living a secret double life. To people I knew, I was a respectable, but average, guy. I stayed away from trouble, usually. I used words before fists, though if a woman or child was threatened by some guy, I’d feed him his lunch. But then, I had a whole other side, completely. My own personal Jekyll. This was the wild side no one saw. Well, mostly no one. Over the course of the years, a couple of my friends pieced together the clues they had witnessed.

            However, every single one of them said the same thing: I just can’t believe this.

            But ‘this’ was my reality. I liked getting high, or drunk, and sometimes both. Yet I knew it had to be hidden, always hidden, because respectable guys did not do the things that I did. Decent chaps don’t lie, and they definitely don’t steal. Cheating? Wouldn’t ever happen. Then to also do this to the people I called my friends? Never. Don’t think it even. Everyone knows that Good Guys don’t do drugs.

            And yet, I did. I lied to friends to get money for drugs when I was broke. Last year, in my worst fiscal position ever, I stole money or items I needed to get by. I cheated my friends by asking for money for groceries when really it was just what I needed to feed my addiction. I was not a Good Guy despite me telling myself I was. As David wrote, “For he flatters himself in his own eyes, too much to notice his iniquity -- or hate it” (Ps. 36:3).

            That is why, when I checked into my current drug and alcohol treatment center, everyone was shocked. But Bear, you don’t abuse anything like drugs or alcohol! Sorry guys. I do. It’s a side of me I am not proud of and therefore I have never shown. Not even a peek for most people. Even the few people that had a clue were still befuddled. They thought I was a social user, maybe I used a bit too much sometimes when I did use, but still just a social user. Addicts are wonderful actors.

            Addicts can face insurmountable odds and can still create a whole new world for themselves in order to get what they want. For example, at one point in the summer of 2024, I had bad urges and didn’t have money for alcohol, much less weed. So I decided I needed to obtain some pain pills. My prescriptions at that time were free, so of all the things I could get high on, pain meds would be the easiest and cheapest. I developed a story of how I hurt my back (the most difficult thing they can try to find the source of pain in), went to the emergency room, and recited the story to the attending physician. It was amusing to play the part. A chance to be someone else, even if only for a couple hours. By the end of the unneeded visit, I had one-week prescriptions for both 1,000 mg Robaxin (a muscle relaxer) and Vicodin 7.5s (for the pain I claimed to have).

            Both bottles were gone within three days.

            One of my friends, the only one that ever knew much about me and yet never judged me, came to visit recently. He was happy I was finally getting recovery treatment but upset with me that I never told him of my addictions. He’d seen me drink a couple times, his wedding and mine, and at one party he came to for a short time back in our early twenties, but he never guessed that I drank like I did or that I was into drugs at all. These are the basic tenants of every story I’ve received from those I knew, and have talked to, in the weeks since I have been here. Shock and disbelief.

 

David’s Reply (I Samuel 17:45-47)

            David’s reply to Goliath’s taunts was faith-filled. He tells the giant look, you come at me with a sword, spear, and javelin -- how quaint are your weapons of man! However, I am backed by the Lord that you would defy (through Goliath’s taunts in the previous section). David says, “This very day Adonai will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down and take your head off you, and I will give the carcasses of the Philistine’s camp today to the birds of the sky and the wild beasts of the earth. Then all the earth will know that there is a G-d in Isra’el” (I Sam. 17:46).

David, always the wordsmith.

We see, though, Goliath’s threat of feeding David’s carcass to the birds and wild beasts (from Goliath’s taunts in the previous section) not only being countered back to him but also being magnified. Goliath had threatened to do this to David, but David added in the Philistine camp as well. David plans to prove, by his faith in the Lord, that Adonai does not need the biggest, strongest, or meanest, person to do His will, nor does He rely on the best of human weaponry, either. The very battle itself belongs to Adonai (see I Sam. 17:47).

Ironically, it was my third wife that tried to get me back into religion. When we started dating, she was very into her faith as a Christian. I began by reading the Christian Bible, the entire thing, front to back. I enjoyed some parts more than others. Some of the stories within its pages were actually quite a good read. Yet that is how I read it -- as stories. I did not see any divine truth or have a special revelation while reading it. It was just a large collection of books and each book a collection of stories. I still struggled with the very idea of Christianity -- how the words of Jesus I read in some of the books taught love, but so many of the people that claimed to follow him were so filled with hatred.

After we were married, she began to go to church again, and requested I go with her. Even with my lack of faith, I didn’t mind going. The music was good, it reminded me of my youth when I still enjoyed weekly services. We tried out a few churches, but never really found one that she liked. That is, until we moved cities, and we tried out our first mega-church. That was a very different experience for me. Watching the sermon on a screen; a live band, complete with visual effects; and many more people than my anxiety could handle.

Yet for some reason, we both enjoyed it. Suddenly, I looked forward to going to church weekly. I got involved in their children’s ministry and even joined a couple Bible study groups that met weekly outside of the church. All of this, yet I was not living as a man of faith outside of the church. I was still the same on the inside and even on the outside, saving a couple hours a week that I spent doing ‘church stuff.’ I was baptized in August 2021, yet nothing inside of me changed. I spent a year and a half living as a hypocrite. The very thing I hated about church members as a teenager.

The following year, in August of 2022, I had a heart attack. A 100% blockage of the left anterior descending artery. The one commonly known by its nickname: the Widow Maker. I woke in the middle of the night, around 2:00 am, with pulsating pain in my chest and my left arm hurting badly. I will never forget how that felt -- like every joint was sprained and every muscle was pulled. I woke my wife, telling her I thought something was wrong. She told me to go back to sleep, and so I did. Upon waking the next morning, however, the symptoms were still present. My wife was getting ready for work when I told her I needed to go to the emergency room to be looked at. This was around 7:30 am. She seemed annoyed that I was going to interrupt her day in this manner as she called her boss to inform him she was going to be late. I don’t think she knew I could overhear her phone call, but she told her boss that I was likely exaggerating, and she would be in before noon. He asked her to go in at 8:00 am to open the office for the workers before taking me to the ER. She agreed.

After she opened the office and came back home to take me to the hospital, she decided we would drop her daughter off at school on the way. After all this delay, we arrived at the hospital about seven hours after I awoke with symptoms. The hospital team quickly realized I was having a heart attack. They were on both sides of me trying to get an IV started and they gave me nitroglycerin. Once the IV was finally started after multiple attempts at sticking my arms, they called medivac and air flighted me to Cincinnati.

 Once at their Cincinnati campus, they rushed me into their cardiac unit and performed my first heart catheterization. They found the blockage and ballooned it, providing instant relief from the chest pain, and telling me how lucky I was. However, they did not explain why they said it. It was not until my follow-up appointment with my regular cardiologist that it was explained to me. She said that the blockage was in the Widow Maker, and with a 100% blockage, only around 12% of people survive it, and those were the people that sought care immediately upon feeling symptomatic. As I didn’t go to the ER for about seven hours, they said the odds of my surviving would have been much lower. I was a mathematic improbability.

This knowledge changed me. I began to wonder why I of all people should have survived such a massive heart attack. I was not anything special and very far away from being worthy. I began to feel like I was still living for a reason, and I began to pray, trying to decipher what that reason might have been. I began to feel that I should go back to school and finally finish my bachelor’s degree. After researching Christian colleges, I settled on Grace Christian University, the only college where the academic advisor I had spoken to offered to pray for me before ending the phone call. I enrolled in their ministry degree and began online classes that October.

With my new-found faith, I began changing my life. And, ironically, the closer I drew to the Lord, the further my wife seemed to slip away. By the time we separated in August 2023, I was going to church alone. Still to this day, I give the credit for me finding my way to that heart attack. I believe it was Hashem’s message to me -- the warning that I needed to get my life straight with Him. It was the beginning of a transformation that is still happening in my life. I began to live boldly, seeking the guidance of the Lord before making decisions. Yet, sadly, I was still living the life of an addict. Now, in recovery, I see that it wasn’t me that needed to be bold, but my faith in the Lord that should have been bold. As “David was careful to say, the Lord will deliver you into my hand. David was bold, but bold in G-d not in himself. He knew the battle belonged to the Lord.”⁶ The struggle with my addiction is this battle, and I am finally learning to give it to Hashem.

 

A Single Stone (I Samuel 17:48-51a)

            The scene is set. David and Goliath stand, ready to fight. Goliath moves first, advancing upon David, who then runs into the battle with the confidence of faith. David had already collected five stones from the brook. I have often wondered about this part. Why five stones, mentioned specifically, when one stone will do the job? Sadly, this is never explained in Scripture. Instead, we read, “David put his hand in his bag, took from it a stone and slung it, striking the Philistine on his forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, so that he fell on his face to the ground” (I Samuel 17:49). Whereas “Everyone else thought, ‘Goliath is so big; I can’t beat him.’ David thought, ‘Goliath is so big, I can’t miss him.’ A man of less faith might have been too nervous to take the proper aim” ⁷

            The single stone is what is often taught as to what killed the giant. However, Scripture then says that David ran to the giant, grabbed Goliath’s sword, and slayed him and took off his head (I Samuel 17:50b-51). To me, this sounds like the stone did not kill him, but his own sword did. Regardless of which of these details are accurate, the deed was done. David’s faith in the Lord brought about the victory over the giant.

            Struggling with addiction is like facing off against Goliath every day, multiple times a day. One needs faith in a Higher Power to help them stay on track. Higher Power is how Narcotics Anonymous (NA) words their readings as to not isolate those that do not share belief in the Abrahamic G-d. They discuss this Higher Power as G-d as you understood Him. I believe this is beneficial to their program as to be more inclusive of people with different faiths, or even no faith.

            My first experience with NA, indeed with any sobriety group, was in early September 2024 while I was living in a homeless shelter. The shelter provided transportation to a weekly meeting in the next town over. I really enjoyed attending; to hear about people at all different stages of recovery was very interesting. I was given their first meeting keytag that first night there. That keytag made me determined to get more.

            I began to work their program, and decided I would like a sponsor. I am not the most outgoing, so this seemed daunting to me. I received my 30-day keytag after attending meetings for a couple weeks. The following week, I met my sponsor. Before the meeting started, I noticed a small group of leaders were talking about money and not knowing where it was going. Whoever oversaw the donations was not reporting where any of the money went. The meeting started and one of the leaders stood up before the donation basket was sent around. He told us not to donate. He said until they figured out where the money was, nobody should be putting money into the pot. His speech on this was aggressive and filled with curse words. I knew immediately I wanted this guy to be my sponsor. He was telling the group how it was. No apology given. Thank you and goodbye. As I had been looking for ways to learn assertiveness, I asked him after the meeting to be my sponsor, and he chose to accept me.

            Another common saying in NA is that one is too many and a thousand is never enough. This statement hit home. Every time I tried to quit using marijuana or alcohol in the past, I would start off well, then suddenly I would use again. Just a little, I told myself, just occasionally. I am good now. Every single time, the one time was too many. I was thrown back into full blown addiction and a thousand times using would never be enough. But this had been my past experiences. I was committed to working the program of NA and finally quitting for good. Or so I believed at that time.

            I kept going to meetings and eventually received my 60-day keytag. I began to finally work Step One of the NA program. I felt pretty good about my progress. I couldn’t remember the last time I had made it to sixty days of being clean. Eventually, I received my 90-day keytag. I was still working on Step One. I had not realized how much content would be covered within this Step. And then, suddenly, I had to go to the hospital for an infection in my toe.

           I spent a week in the hospital, receiving IV antibiotic treatments every six hours. I had expected to be released back to the homeless shelter, but as I was being discharged with a mid-line IV site, they discharged me to a local nursing home. I would no longer be able to attend NA, at least not in person. I tried out virtual NA meetings, but struggled to keep my attention focused on them, and after a couple tries, I gave up.

Luckily, the nursing home I was discharged to had an addiction group that met weekdays for the morning. I began going nearly every day to this group. I learned more coping skills here and watched way too many documentaries on recovering addicts. I, however, abandoned my sobriety one evening in 2025. A worker at the facility who had become a friend of mine was hitting her THC vape. At first, I thought I was going to pass this test. I went back to my room, trying to remember even one coping skill. Yet it was not meant to be, I managed maybe five minutes before I went back to where she was. She had the vape put up, and I had to ask her to get it out and hit it. Of all the events in the situation, this one angers me most. I had to specifically request her to get it back out so that I could use. So many opportunities to make the choice to say no, and instead I threw away all the work I had done in the past months. I had been twelve days away from my six-month keytag,

After this, I began to see my addiction in a new light. The giant I was facing daily was huge. I had previously thought it was too big, and I couldn’t win against it, but I was finally learning what David had known: I could beat my Goliath. He is big, yes, but that makes slaying him all the easier. He was much too big to miss. All I needed was my slingshot, a single smooth stone, and faith.

 

The Philistines Flee (I Samuel 17:51b-54)

            As David stood over Goliath’s body, holding the giant’s head, the Philistines broke the rules of the agreement to be slaves to the victor’s nation. They fled. Though “They agreed to surrender to Israel if their champion lost (see 1 Sam. 17:9)”, they instead ran away.⁸ The soldiers of both Judah and Isra’el together pursued the retreating army, killing many of the Philistines. We read, “The slain Philistines fell down along the way to Shaaraim, even up to Gath and Ekron” (I Sam. 17:52b).

            As the soldiers of the two armies returned toward Jerusalem, they plundered what remained of the Philistine’s camp. It was recorded that David took the giant’s head and delivered it to Jerusalem. However, since it was years later that Jerusalem would be conquered (see II Sam. 5:6-10), it likely was meant here that David would eventually bring the giant’s head to Jerusalem.⁹ It is also thought that since “The Temple had not yet been built, commentaries explain that it refers to Nob, then the site of the Tabernacle.” ¹⁰

            Even after rediscovering my faith, I was not a Good Guy. Inwardly, I did and felt the things I thought that I was supposed to. Outwardly, though, I was still a user. And I did everything in my power to feed my addiction. I would lie, steal, cheat, and use the people in my life to get what I needed. Eventually my giant was out of control, and it consumed every part of my daily life. That is when the people I had relied on began to leave me. I had become too much for them to deal with anymore.

            My daughter, my second child, ceased communication in March 2024. I have not heard from or seen her since, despite the opportunities she has had to visit when my oldest came to see me. This is the relationship I miss the most out of anyone that has cut me out of their lives. Over a year later, and I still do not know the reason behind this. This makes the severing of the relationship even harder.

            A couple months later, I noticed my sister was not replying to any of my texts. She, too, seemed to be done with me. I finally got a response in June 2024 to one of my inquiries. She told me I was too filled with drama and lies. I have not heard from her since. We have gone through periods of time when she didn’t want to speak to me, some of them even lasting for up to three or four months. As I sit here, almost a year later, I realize this isn’t just a temporary thing with her. She has totally removed me from her life.

            One of my best friends ceased communication around this time. I do not know her reason; she refused to tell me. I do know that at the time we spoke last she was asking me to pay her back for a loan she’d helped me with previously. Unfortunately, at that time I was unemployed, which is how I spent most of 2024. I had no money to repay her, and to be honest, I was in full addiction mode and had I had the money, I would have likely spent it on getting high. I had always thought she was a ‘to-the-grave’ friend. I never thought she would ever abandon me, even in my addiction.

            Other family members, those that I spoke with steadily, if not regularly, have ceased communication with me also. The only sibling I have that speaks to me now is my older brother that lives in Florida. He is a counselor, and sometimes I wonder if he still speaks to me only in order to analyze me. Other friends have quit communicating with me. I borrowed substantial amounts of money from them over the course of 2024. It was supposed to go to bills and groceries but instead went to feed my addiction.

            My addiction had turned me into a giant slayer in their eyes. In my abuse of drugs and alcohol, I slayed the giant that was their love and patience. And they were the Philistines who fled. Smartly, they fled. They quit helping me. They quit enabling me so that I could no longer use. They do not want me in their lives anymore. I am struggling with this knowledge. I wonder if, once I am clean, they might return. I do not know the future, but I highly doubt that will happen.

 

The Son of Your Servant Jesse (I Samuel 17:55-58)

            This last section of I Samuel 17 seems a little weird. Saul meets young David in the second half of the previous chapter (See I Samuel 16:18-23). Indeed, in verse 21 we read that Saul loved David. David had been brought to the king’s court to play music for him when he was disturbed by a tormenting spirit (see I Samuel 16:19). And in verse 22, Saul requested that Jesse allow David to remain in the king’s service. So, in the last section of I Samuel 17, when King Saul asks Abner who David is, it seems like an oddity.

            These last few verses in the chapter are a bit of a rewind. As David leaves the presence of the king, on his way to meet Goliath, we hear King Saul ask Abner, the commander of the king’s army, who David is the son of. Abner admits ignorance of the subject, to which the king charges Abner to find out David’s identity. Guzik suggests various reasons why the king may not have recognized David. The most likely of which is that the king did recognize David, and was actually asking about his background, as the king had offered a daughter to the man who slaid Goliath (see I Samuel 17:55). On the other hand, it is possible that King Saul did not recognize David for many reasons such as if David played behind a veil, the king would not have seen his face previously or if King Saul was disturbed by a spirit he might not have been completely in his right mind.¹¹

I find these latter two possibilities to be less likely. Even had David played his music from behind a veil, wouldn’t Saul have seen his face when he was given the position of armor-bearer? (see I Samuel 16:21). The idea that Saul was not in his right mind seems less likely as well. Saul’s episodes of the tormenting spirit usually made him become angry easily and violent even easier still. Since he seems calm in these verses, I personally do not think Saul wasn’t in his right mind.

So, when David returns, bearing Goliath’s head in hand, Abner brings him to see King Saul (see I Samuel 17:57). Again, Saul asks whose son David is, but this time to David himself. To which David simply answers, “I am the son of your servant Jesse the Bethlehemite” (I Samuel 17:58).

            The road to recovery is often filled with confusion. The biggest question you ask yourself is whether to use or not to use. You already know which is the better choice, yet still you ask. If you choose not to use, you might ask how to get past an urge or craving. Or what you can do to occupy the time that is freed up from no longer doing all the things you used to do on a daily basis in order to get high. These are legitimate questions that are completely normal in recovery. There are coping skills you can learn to deal with these. It’s when you start to ask things such as ‘what is the point of getting sober?’ or ’wouldn’t it just be easier to go back to using?’ that you might want to attend a meeting or speak with your sponsor.

            Early in recovery, programs begin to teach about coping skills. “Coping skills are the things that you do on a conscious level to deal with distressing emotions”¹² As these are conscious skills, recovery programs will start teaching them early to give the client the most time to practice them. You want coping skills to become second nature so that when you get an urge or craving, you are able to identify it quickly and use an appropriate coping skill to get through it.

            Some coping skills that Marks mentioned in her post were getting support from a friend; meditation; and journaling.¹³ To these I would add listening to music; books or audiobooks; talking to someone with strong faith; praying; creative writing; and bracelet snaps. There is a large variety of coping skills one can employ. These listed are merely some of the ones that have helped me the most. Behind the idea of practicing coping skills as much as possible in recovery programs is so they become like muscle memory. I understand that everyone is happy to be back out in the ‘real world’ after a stent in a recovery program, but getting as much practice time you have before leaving a program makes the most sense.

            Talking with a friend is a highly rated coping skill, assuming the topic of the conversation is helpful. It can be cathartic to express your problems verbally. The old phrase people used to use is ‘get it off my chest.’ This is because when you are under a lot of stress, it frequently makes you feel like there’s something constricting preventing you from breathing comfortably. I use this coping skill daily here in recovery. I reach out to the three of the people who matter most at least once a day, and usually much more than once.

            Meditation is another excellent coping skill. People frequently think that meditation is difficult. Most of those people, however, have not truly tried it, or did not know what they were doing and gave up. Just sitting quietly and watching flowers in the breeze is a form of meditation. Relaxing in the evening before going to bed could be meditation. The point here is that meditation is not necessarily sitting cross-legged on a mountain-top, chanting ‘ohm’ while contemplating your navel.

            I love to write, so journaling is right up my alley. It is quite similar as talking with a friend in terms of the quality of comfort it can provide. Technically, you are talking with a friend in this coping skill -- your journal; and instead of verbally talking, you are manually entering the words yourself. There’s something about writing down one’s thoughts, in my opinion. They go deeper and last longer than your conversations with even your best of friends.

            Listening to music is one of the most enjoyable coping skills I employ. I have multiple playlists saved, depending upon the reason I am listening. When I want to get a little more energy I put on my metal playlist. Angry? My 90s playlist. Doing dishes or working out? That’s the 80s long-hair bands playlist. I grew up with music in my life, so to discover last year that it is technically a coping mechanism was quite humorous for me.

            Reading books, or listening to audiobooks, is one of my favorite past-times. I am almost always listening to an audiobook. I used to read physical books and appreciated the smell of the pages; the feel of it in my hand; and the weight of it as I held it. However, when I went back to school in 2022, I began to read a lot for my classes. When I was not working on homework, I really was not in the mood to read. A friend of mine suggested audiobooks. At first, I did not like them. That was mostly because my ADHD was stopping me from paying the close attention that I used while reading a physical book. Once I figured that out, I began to enjoy them more to the point that currently I almost always have a book in my ear.

            I plan to discuss these next two coping skills in tandem. When I say, ‘talking to someone with strong faith,’ I usually am meaning someone with a post within the church. Someone respected for their knowledge of Scriptures. Perhaps a preacher or priest or Rabbi. It might be an elder or deacon even. I am not talking about your cousin that took two courses in religion while in college. For me personally, it is talking with Rabbi Karp. I enjoy talking with him multiple times a week as he does a recovery meeting slanted towards a Jewish style, a course on the Tanakh, as well as daily Torah readings. Having someone like my Rabbi that you can talk to and learn about your Higher Power from, gives you practice and knowledge that you can use out in the ‘real world.’ Your person may also offer to pray with you or over you. I like to pray. I am learning a few Jewish prayers currently. One is the Shema. In English, it says, “Hear O Isra’el, the Lord our G-d, the Lord is One” (Deut. 6:4).

            Writing, especially creative writing, can help you overcome your cravings and urges. It gets your thoughts on paper, as journaling does, but it requires a little more effort than your journal.  In your journal, you usually report facts and talk about how your day went. This, of course, has its place. Creative writing, however, takes those mere statements of fact, combines them with the thoughts about how your day went, and produces written art. Whether you are writing a story or poetry, creative writing can draw you in so completely that you lose track of time, hence, losing track of the urge.

            The last coping skill I mentioned previously was bracelet snaps. I find these to be quite beneficial. It is the idea behind wearing a rubber band that you can snap against your flesh to ground you or to help you focus on the task at hand. However, instead of a simple rubber band, it is a silicone bracelet that isn’t such an odd thing to see someone wearing. The two bracelets I wear have the Shema on them in Hebrew. Simply put, these bracelet snaps refocus your mind during moments of stress, distraction, or undesired habits with a simple pull on the bracelet, letting it snap back into place. This snap is like a very little bite which can help redirect your attention and support your desired behavioral changes.

            I would end the way I began. When the Lord spoke to Joshua after he had taken control over the people of Isra’el, but before they crossed the Jordan into Canaan, He said, “Have I not commanded you? Chazak! Be strong! Do not be terrified or dismayed, for Adonai your G-d is with you wherever you go” (Josh. 1:9). In this verse, “Joshua was called to be bold in G-d. The emphasis given to this command suggests that Joshua needed this strong encouragement. He would need G-d’s strength and courage to conquer Canaan and divide the land as an inheritance to Israel”¹⁴ We all need G-d’s strength to conquer the biggest problems in our lives. As such, I ask you my questions again: What is your Goliath? What do you see when you think of your biggest adversity? When you visualize your Goliath, do you remember that the Lord is always with you? Do you feel strong and comforted, or do you feel terrified and dismayed?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes

 

1. Rashi. Commentary on I Samuel 17. (Chabad, n.d.), Verse 16. https://www.chabad.org/library/bible_cdo/aid/15846/showrashi/true 

 

2. Yossi Ives. How Did David Defeat Goliath? (Chabad, n.d.), Par. 6. https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/5390120/jewish/How-Did-David-Defeat-Goliath.htm

 

3. Menachem Posner. 15 Life-Lessons from King David. (Chabad, n.d.), Par. 3. https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/4114664/jewish/15-Life-Lessons-From-King-David.htm

 

4. Rashi, Commentary, I Sam, 17:39.

 

5. David Guzik. I Samuel 17 -- David and Goliath. (Enduring Word, n.d.), Verse 42. https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/1-samuel-17/

 

6. Guzik, 1 Samuel 17, verses 46-47.

 

7. Guzik, 1 Samuel 17, verse 49

 

8. Guzik, 1 Samuel 17, verse 51b

 

9. Guzik, 1 Samuel 17, verse 54

 

10. Ives, How did David Defeat Goliath, Par. 12

 

11. Guzik, 1 Samuel 17, verse 55

 

12. Tracey Marks. What Are Coping Skills? (Marks Psychiatry, 2021), Par. 6 https://markspsychiatry.com/coping-skills/

 

13. Marks, Coping Skills, Par. 4

 

14. David Guzik. Joshua 1 -- G-d’s Commission to Joshua. (Enduring Word, n.d.), Verse 9. https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/joshua-1/

 

 

Bibliography

Guzik, David. I Samuel 17 -- David and Goliath. Enduring Word, n.d. https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/1-samuel-17/

 

Guzik, David. Joshua 1 -- G-d’s Commission to Joshua. Enduring Word, n.d. Joshua 1 -- G-d’s Commission to Joshua. https://enduringword.com/bible-commentary/joshua-1/

 

Ives, Yossi. How Did David Defeat Goliath? Chabad, n.d. https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/5390120/jewish/How-Did-David-Defeat-Goliath.htm

 

Marks, Tracey. What Are Coping Skills? Marks Psychiatry, 2021 https://markspsychiatry.com/coping-skills/

 

Messianic Jewish Family Bible Society. Tree of Life Version Bible. Ada, Michigan: Baker Books, 2014. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=i%20sam%2017&version=TLV

 

Posner, Menachem. 15 Life-Lessons from King David. Chabad, n.d. https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/4114664/jewish/15-Life-Lessons-From-King-David.htm

 

Rashi. Commentary on I Samuel 17. Chabad, n.d. https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/4114664/jewish/15-Life-Lessons-From-King-David.htm