Little Sara

A Poem by BeforeSunset

Little Sara, your a diamond in the rough

And I'm sure you don't hear this all enough

And I guess that's why your wrists have tons of cuts

And I'm sure that why you think your not enough

On your nineteenth birthday you thought that you were done

Tons of people in your home but it only felt like one

And your brain can only think about the waiting loaded gun

But your friends are all still here so you pretend your having fun

All your friends want to drink because it your birthday

But you've been drinking probably since last Thursday

Drinkings the only thing that makes you feel just okay

Keeps the trigger finger off the trigger and at bay

You mind can only think about the things it shouldn't

your brain filled with thoughts wishing that you didn't

Little Sara, perk your ears and try to listen

But she can't hear a sound because she's locked in a prison

Little Sara, you've been skipping out on class

and any minute now your friends are gonna ask

why the hell your always acting sort of sad

and why the hell you'r weed never seems to last

But the truth is you don't want to let your secret out

Because they think it's wrong for you to take a different route

All except you't mom, too bad that she's just not around

And don't get me wrong, those words you've tried to get them out

But their views been skewed by their plastic News

From their plasma tubes, so they wont fit in your shoes

Because you got Monday blues, you got Tuesday blues

Damn everyday you might lose

All your friends want to smoke because its a Friday

but you've been smoking probably since last Thursday

And I know you should never say you'r okay

But then you look them in the eye and go to use your ash tray

Little Sara, last night you got it bad

and in that moment you could barley even add

up to two or three reasons why your glad

And I guess that's why you grabbed your pen and pad

It was 6:14, and you could barley even read

all the words you'd written down was why it was time for you to leave

Your phone was on the ground, you could barley hear it ring

Couldn't even hear a sound, couldn't feel a single thing

Now its 6:15, and your on her knees

blood is on your sleeves and your lungs wont breathe

eyes are watering body shivering

and your wondering whats happening

Now it's 6:23, and there on there knees

begging "Jesus please, can you make her breathe?"

Because they finally see what was happening

Underneath their nose and underneath your sleeves

© 2021 BeforeSunset

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Featured Review

JayG

Okay, you did ask… Just keep telling yourself that as you read. 🤣

First: “You are” contracts to “you’re,” not “your.”

That aside, several things to take into account:

First, rhyming is NOT the goal of structured poetry. So never, never, never bend the line to the needs of the rhyme. Instead, the rhyming words should be the perfect ones for the thought being expressed, and the rhyme should seem almost accidental.

My favorite example of this is the lyric to the song, "The Twelfth of Never," released in 1957. Look at the opening verse:
- - - - -
You ask how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain.
You ask how long I'll love you; I'll tell you true:
Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.
- - - - -
Notice the clever trick played on the reader: The protagonist is replying to a question that the reader supposedly asked, placing that reader INTO the poem, as the beloved who has asked that question. And since the question is one we might ask of someone who loves us, the answer is inherently interesting (especially since, if it’s a good answer we might use it…right?).

So with “You ask,”, and without realizing why, the reader had become emotionally involved. To me, that’s brilliant writing.

Next, the line requests to know as how long their will commitment last, then dismisses it as supposedly obvious. Yet it’s a critical question, so the seeming disconnect again draws the reader in, with the unspoken comment of, "Well yes, you absolutely must tell me, because I need to know." So, given the attitude placed into the reader with that thought, we WANT to hear the response, and it feels as if it's directed at us. And that is a HUGE hook.

The response is 100% allegorical. It says, in effect, “I can’t live without you,” but does it in a pretty, and interesting way.

The question/answer sequence then continues with a clever twist, Love will end, but on a date that’s an impossibility.

It’s 100% emotion-based writing. It calls up context that already exists in the reader/listener’s mind. But even had the reader never heard the expression “like roses need rain,” it would be instantly meaningful.

It’s part of a song, but this first verse, for me, is a perfect example of emotion-based poetry.

Make sense?
- - - - - - -
Next: Always be certain that the story in your mind made it to the page in a meaningful way, so the reader has context. Look at some lines as the reader must:

• Little Sara, you're a diamond in the rough

You say it, but give no support to the idea. But saying it doesn’t make it so, and the reader doesn't know why the speaker feels that way. So, since you're, nominally, talking TO this person, might it not be nice to list at least one quality that brings that feeling?

• And I'm sure that why you think you're not enough

This line would have to be based on this person deciding, based on evidence, that Sara doesn’t think herself worthy. But at this point, we know nothing about her—not age, situation, or even a single piece of evidence. Yes, you begin to list things, but the reader needs context as-they-read, or the words are meaningless. And we can’t retroactively remove confusion.

In may ways, poetry is fiction, and we’re presenting a situation. So always be certain that the words will be meaningful to a reader who lacks both your intent, and, the backstory that led to the writing.

• And your brain can only think about the waiting loaded gun.

The speaker isn’t certain of why Sara feels unworthy, but knows she’s suicidal? How can a reader follow that logic? If this person knows her mind enough to know she's suicidal, she also knows why she feels as she does.

So…writing poetry is a lot harder than you thought…right? But that, while true, is okay, because we ALL start out writing things that make us shake our heads, later. It's a process called learning, and so, no big deal.

The thing is, writing is a learned skill. Sure, the pros make it look easy, but as Mark Twain put it: “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

And since your classwork hasn't even touched on the skills of fiction and poetry, like everyone else your age, you have a whole lot of “just ain’t so” floating around in your head. And THAT’S fixable. In fact, I think you’ll find the fixing fun.

So…two “assignments.” One of them is informative, the other fun.

Take a read of the excerpt, on Amazon, of Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. It will tell you amazing things about the way we use language, and how you can make your own use more exciting. He’s focused on structured poetry, but what he says is of interest to all writers.

Next, head to Shmoop to read, “The Cremation of Sam Mcgee.” It will show you how, by using the techniques Mr. Fry talks about, you can get the reader tapping their feet and falling into the rhythm of the piece.
You can copy/paste the address into the URL window at the top of the screen and hit Return to get there without having to search.
https://www.shmoop.com/cremation-sam-mcgee/poem-text.html

The poem is over 100 years old, but still has the power to pull the reader in, and bring a smile at the ending.

And when you finish, turn the pages and read the analysis of why it works a well as it did. Shmoop is a good place to learn more about the tricks of writing poetry.

And finally, a thought or three:

It’s easy to become discouraged, when reading something like this…especially given that this is the second time. But don’t. You’re serious about wanting to write, and looking for ways to improve. And you've demonstrated the perseverance needed to stay with a project. That’s surprisingly rare. Most people are unable to divorce self from writing, and except that the comments are on the piece as it is on that day, not a personal criticism of the writer.

Something important to keep in mind. In many ways, it’s not what was said about the piece that matters, because that’s the view of the one who commented. And unless that person is selling their work in noteworthy numbers, there may be a lot of, “This is how I would do it,” in the comment.

What always matters, though, is that the writing didn’t capture and hold the reader’s attention at the point where the comment was made. The fact that they were able to stop reading (or were kicked out of the story) at that point is critical, because they shouldn’t have been able to stop. Right? So…if you can figure out why they were knocked out, and fix that…

For example, an art critic might comment that there is a problem on the right side of the painting, and talk about what’s there. But the artist, in response, might place a single bird, plus a cloud, on the left side, which brings balance, and praise from the critic.

It’s your story.

Hope this helps.

Posted 2 Years Ago

Okay, you did ask… Just keep telling yourself that as you read. 🤣

First: “You are” contracts to “you’re,” not “your.”

That aside, several things to take into account:

First, rhyming is NOT the goal of structured poetry. So never, never, never bend the line to the needs of the rhyme. Instead, the rhyming words should be the perfect ones for the thought being expressed, and the rhyme should seem almost accidental.

My favorite example of this is the lyric to the song, "The Twelfth of Never," released in 1957. Look at the opening verse:
- - - - -
You ask how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain.
You ask how long I'll love you; I'll tell you true:
Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.
- - - - -
Notice the clever trick played on the reader: The protagonist is replying to a question that the reader supposedly asked, placing that reader INTO the poem, as the beloved who has asked that question. And since the question is one we might ask of someone who loves us, the answer is inherently interesting (especially since, if it’s a good answer we might use it…right?).

So with “You ask,”, and without realizing why, the reader had become emotionally involved. To me, that’s brilliant writing.

Next, the line requests to know as how long their will commitment last, then dismisses it as supposedly obvious. Yet it’s a critical question, so the seeming disconnect again draws the reader in, with the unspoken comment of, "Well yes, you absolutely must tell me, because I need to know." So, given the attitude placed into the reader with that thought, we WANT to hear the response, and it feels as if it's directed at us. And that is a HUGE hook.

The response is 100% allegorical. It says, in effect, “I can’t live without you,” but does it in a pretty, and interesting way.

The question/answer sequence then continues with a clever twist, Love will end, but on a date that’s an impossibility.

It’s 100% emotion-based writing. It calls up context that already exists in the reader/listener’s mind. But even had the reader never heard the expression “like roses need rain,” it would be instantly meaningful.

It’s part of a song, but this first verse, for me, is a perfect example of emotion-based poetry.

Make sense?
- - - - - - - 
Next: Always be certain that the story in your mind made it to the page in a meaningful way, so the reader has context. Look at some lines as the reader must:

• Little Sara, you're a diamond in the rough

You say it, but give no support to the idea. But saying it doesn’t make it so, and the reader doesn't know why the speaker feels that way. So, since you're, nominally, talking TO this person, might it not be nice to list at least one quality that brings that feeling?

• And I'm sure that why you think you're not enough

This line would have to be based on this person deciding, based on evidence, that Sara doesn’t think herself worthy. But at this point, we know nothing about her—not age, situation, or even a single piece of evidence. Yes, you begin to list things, but the reader needs context as-they-read, or the words are meaningless. And we can’t retroactively remove confusion.

In may ways, poetry is fiction, and we’re presenting a situation. So always be certain that the words will be meaningful to a reader who lacks both your intent, and, the backstory that led to the writing.

• And your brain can only think about the waiting loaded gun.

The speaker isn’t certain of why Sara feels unworthy, but knows she’s suicidal? How can a reader follow that logic? If this person knows her mind enough to know she's suicidal, she also knows why she feels as she does.

So…writing poetry is a lot harder than you thought…right? But that, while true, is okay, because we ALL start out writing things that make us shake our heads, later. It's a process called learning, and so, no big deal.

The thing is, writing is a learned skill. Sure, the pros make it look easy, but as Mark Twain put it: “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

And since your classwork hasn't even touched on the skills of fiction and poetry, like everyone else your age, you have a whole lot of “just ain’t so” floating around in your head. And THAT’S fixable. In fact, I think you’ll find the fixing fun.

So…two “assignments.” One of them is informative, the other fun.

Take a read of the excerpt, on Amazon, of Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. It will tell you amazing things about the way we use language, and how you can make your own use more exciting. He’s focused on structured poetry, but what he says is of interest to all writers.

Next, head to Shmoop to read, “The Cremation of Sam Mcgee.” It will show you how, by using the techniques Mr. Fry talks about, you can get the reader tapping their feet and falling into the rhythm of the piece.
You can copy/paste the address into the URL window at the top of the screen and hit Return to get there without having to search.
https://www.shmoop.com/cremation-sam-mcgee/poem-text.html

The poem is over 100 years old, but still has the power to pull the reader in, and bring a smile at the ending.

And when you finish, turn the pages and read the analysis of why it works a well as it did. Shmoop is a good place to learn more about the tricks of writing poetry.

And finally, a thought or three:

It’s easy to become discouraged, when reading something like this…especially given that this is the second time. But don’t. You’re serious about wanting to write, and looking for ways to improve. And you've demonstrated the perseverance needed to stay with a project. That’s surprisingly rare. Most people are unable to divorce self from writing, and except that the comments are on the piece as it is on that day, not a personal criticism of the writer.

Something important to keep in mind. In many ways, it’s not what was said about the piece that matters, because that’s the view of the one who commented. And unless that person is selling their work in noteworthy numbers, there may be a lot of, “This is how I would do it,” in the comment.

What always matters, though, is that the writing didn’t capture and hold the reader’s attention at the point where the comment was made. The fact that they were able to stop reading (or were kicked out of the story) at that point is critical, because they shouldn’t have been able to stop. Right? So…if you can figure out why they were knocked out, and fix that…

For example, an art critic might comment that there is a problem on the right side of the painting, and talk about what’s there. But the artist, in response, might place a single bird, plus a cloud, on the left side, which brings balance, and praise from the critic.

It’s your story.

Hope this helps.

Rating /100

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

2 Years Ago

This did help a lot. Thank you so much. You were absolutely correct in the last review that there ar.. read more

2 Years Ago

👍
It never gets easier. But with work and study, we can become confused on a higher level,.. read more

Reviews

lessa (kenzie)

Now it's 6:23, and there on there knees
begging "Jesus please, can you make her breathe?"
Because they finally see what was happening
Underneath their nose and underneath your sleeves

WOW!! This is powerful and ever so emotional. you express yourself so well

Posted 2 Years Ago

Coyote Poetry

Few people want to see us dear poet.
"Now it's 6:23, and there on there knees
begging "Jesus please, can you make her breathe?"
Because they finally see what was happening
Underneath their nose and underneath your sleeves"
I loved the complete poem and the above lines. Bled the truth. Thank you for sharing the amazing and powerful words.
Coyote

Posted 2 Years Ago

JayG

Posted 2 Years Ago

Okay, you did ask… Just keep telling yourself that as you read. 🤣

First: “You are” contracts to “you’re,” not “your.”

That aside, several things to take into account:

So with “You ask,”, and without realizing why, the reader had become emotionally involved. To me, that’s brilliant writing.

The response is 100% allegorical. It says, in effect, “I can’t live without you,” but does it in a pretty, and interesting way.

The question/answer sequence then continues with a clever twist, Love will end, but on a date that’s an impossibility.

It’s part of a song, but this first verse, for me, is a perfect example of emotion-based poetry.

Make sense?
- - - - - - - 
Next: Always be certain that the story in your mind made it to the page in a meaningful way, so the reader has context. Look at some lines as the reader must:

• Little Sara, you're a diamond in the rough

• And I'm sure that why you think you're not enough

• And your brain can only think about the waiting loaded gun.

So…two “assignments.” One of them is informative, the other fun.

The poem is over 100 years old, but still has the power to pull the reader in, and bring a smile at the ending.

And when you finish, turn the pages and read the analysis of why it works a well as it did. Shmoop is a good place to learn more about the tricks of writing poetry.

And finally, a thought or three:

It’s your story.

Hope this helps.

Rating /100