Chris

Chris

A Story by LilyM;)
"

very short story

"
I remember the day we met, like it was yesterday, seeing his long black hair, pale skin, beautiful as he came down the hallway. I didn't think that anyone could be this... perfect. Then he came to me, his beautiful voice surrounded me as he said, "You must be Jane" I smiled. So did he. Perfect. I thought to myself. And that's how it all started. That's when I fell in love with the vampire, Chris.

© 2009 LilyM;)


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Very good start. you need to consider expanding it, maybe to a book.

Posted 11 Years Ago


Thank you for the advice:) I will seriously consider rewriting this and making it longer...however this will stay up just how it is right now. It's very special to me... Thank y'all tho:D

Posted 11 Years Ago


A very, very short story indeed. And this story can be improved upon greatly. Firstly, paragraphs. This is the obvious one. Even though the story is short, it still required this. Secondarily, there are some grammer mistakes. What you were trying to do in that first line I have no idea. It needs to be broken up into at least two sentences, because that is not how comma's should be used.
Perhaps you could try something like this:
I rememeber the day we met, as though it was yesterday. I remember seeing his long, black hair, pale skin, as he came down the hallway - He was beautiful." Of course, it's your very short story, and this is just a suggestion.
After Chris speaks, there should be a full stop: "You must be Jane."
And the main character smiling should go on the next line. Then, in the following sentence, Perfect shouldn't be followed by a full stop. It should have a comma instead.
Overall, this could be a good piece of writing. However, it needs to be expanded on. I was cringed, inwardly, when I read the last line. Yet another vampire story, is what I thought. But, as you writing is so good, this may not necessarily be a bad thing. You could easily turn this into a really good short story at the least.
And I have now realised that I have probably written much more than you have in my review than you have in the actual story I'm meant to be reviewing. So I think i'll just shh. This was a quite good piece of writing.

Posted 11 Years Ago


have you considered expanding on it and making a ss out of that excerpt?

good imagery

Posted 11 Years Ago



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254 Views
4 Reviews
Added on December 23, 2009
Last Updated on December 23, 2009

Author

LilyM;)
LilyM;)

Tokyo, Japan



About
HI! My name is Lily Mae Parker. I have a twin sister Ashley Victoria who I call Ash, an older sister who is 21, and two brothers Drake, 11 and Tyler, 10. Im 15, my birthday is August 11th. I Love .. more..

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