Forbidden Prince

There once was a princess who loved boy. But they could not be together, because the princess was to marry a very mean knight named Arthur . The princess did not love Arthur though. She loved a boy who worked with the horses, In her fathers castle. Her father had forbidden her to see him. So one day she got up really early and went to the stables to see the boy. She ran up to him and kissed him, she told him how much she loved him. He had secretly had loved her too. So she told the boy to come to her window the next morning with two horses and they would run away and get married. But what they both didn't know was Arthur was listening to there conversation and would not lose the chance to be king over love. The next morning the boy showed up with the horses. And the princess jumped down from her window and kissed him. She was finally happy with her love. Suddenly they heard a bang and the princess step way from her love and saw that he had been shoot. By Arthur, The boy fell to the ground, and the princess knelt down next to him. "Please do not die I love you I never meant to hurt you. Please do not die I love you my forbidden prince." but he was dead and the princess knew it. She commanded to her father that they have a beautiful funeral for her love, and they did. She wrote something for him.

You left me in such a rush and I did not want you too go. I loved you more then anything and that's the truth if I would of known the bullet was coming I would have jumped in front of it to save you. I love you and I always will. You are my hope, my love, my forbidden prince.

She dropped the letter in her loves grave, and walked away. As she walked away Arthur stopped her. "We are going to be married whether you like it or not. I will kill again."

She turned around and slapped him in the face. Then she said, "I will die before I marry you, you murder."

She continued to walk away. Later on that night right before she went to bed, she drank poison, she knew she could not stand to live without her love. Early in the morning she heard someone call her. "Princess princess come to your window." she ran to her window. Could it be, her forbidden prince was just standing there with two horses. She jumped out the window into his arm and kissed him. This time no guns no nothing, just her and her forbidden prince

Reviews

[Belle Morte]

Whoa. Ok, where to start. First off, I would like to say. I loved this. It has the potential to be great.

OK. This is the hard part. You have a ton of grammatical errors.

"There once was a princess who loved boy"
You left out "a" between "loved" and "boy".

"But they could not be together. Because the princess was to marry a very mean night named Arthur."
The second sentence isn't even a sentence. It's a sentence fragment. You should try and combine the two sentences somehow. Also, as the second line of your story, try not to start it with "but". Try something like, "The princess and the boy could not be together as the princess was to marry a very mean knight, Arthur." Something along those lines.

Another thing I noticed in that sentence fragment. It should be "knight", not "night" seeing as "knight" is what you mean.

"She loved the boy who worked with the horses, In her fathers castle"
OK, here, you should lower-case the "i" in "In" and remove your comma. That's a grammatical error.

Re-reading your first paragraph, I see a slew of errors and sentences that could use some re-structuring. One thing that I will say about the first paragraph though, you should try to narrow down the number of times that you use "and" or "but" in or at the beginning of your sentences.

Moving on.
"You left me in such a rush and I did not want you too go."
"Too" should be "to".

"I loved you more then anything and that's the truth if I would of known the bullet was coming I would have jumped in front of it to save you."
I would change "loved" to "love" because she still loves him. I would also remove "and that's the truth" due to the fact that he knew she was in love with him; saying that makes it seem like she has to prove it to him. After removing that peice, you should add a period, otherwise you have a run-on sentence.

"As she walked away Arthur stopped her."
You should change this sentence because it is just repeats what the previous sentence states.

"'We are going to be wed weather you like it or not. I will kill again.'"
You need to change "wheather" to "whether" The original spelling you have in the story means weather as in rainy, or sunny.

"She turned around and slapped him in the face."
Take out "around" or re-arrange the sentence so that you don't have "and" in it.

"Then she said, "I will die before I marry you, you murder." "
Take out "then" and capitalize "she". You also spelled "murder" wrong. I mean, that is a word, but you meant "murderer". I also suggest that you take out the "you, you murderer" part, replacing it with something like, "I will die before I marry a murderer."

"Later on that night right before she went to bed, she drank some poison, she knew she could not stand to live without her love."
This is a run-on sentence. There are a number of ways this could be fixed. I'll leave up to you as the writer to discover what would be best. If you are going to use this sentence as is, I would word it as "Later on that night, before she went to bed, she drank some poison; knowing she could not live without her love." Or you could break it up into two sentences.

" "Princess princess come to your window." "
There should be commas after both "princesss"s.

"she ran to her window."
The "she" should be capatilized.

"Could it be, her forbidden prince was just standing there with two horses."
This is another run-on sentence. You should break it up into two sentences. "Could it be?" and "Her forbidden prince was standing there with two horses."

"She jumped out the window into his arm and kissed him."
You have a spelling mistake, or maybe a typo. "Arm" should be changed to "arms".

"but This no guns no nothing, just her and her forbidden prince"
Ok, "but" should be capatilized, if you really want to have "but" there at all. "This" should be lower-cased, unless you remove "but" and start the sentence with "this". And you should always end a sentence with some sort of punctuation. In this case, a period, but I do admit, this could have been a simple typo.

And with that, I would like to say, I do like this story. Please don't be angry or upset with my reveiw. This is the longest reveiw I have ever written, and I tried to not be so critical, but I couldn't hold myself back. You are a good writer. I feel that you can be great. Good luck and keep up the good work.

[Evil_Angel]

I think Belle Morte went over all the grammatical and spelling errors so thats covered. Please please don't be mad with me I'm just being honest about this, but it is a little bit babyish, you say on your profile your 14 but the story sounds like its from someone a lot younger. I think you have a really good idea though, although you may want to change the names cause I just think of King Arthur...and I don't know you should make up your own characters. Think of how complex people are, we all have our own flaws and desires. It will make your characters more believable. It is very simple too...I mean the girl loves the guy then he dies lol, this seems like it should be more of a poem or something. The whole thing is just a little bit cheesy for me and not believable, you have to learn to write from deep inside that is when the good stuff comes out. I hope your not mad I'm just trying to help, I am looking forward to reading more from you! :)