Fiona

Inspired by a woman I knew. Would really appreciate feedback on this!

Fiona

Feel it?

There?

Or maybe there?

No! I don’t care.

Really it’s okay.

I’m not fragile,

sensitive in the least.

Just let me know-

oh

Yes. It’s come as something of a blow.

Lovely, cuppa?

Don’t you worry.

You know me.

Like an egg hard but I’m cracking

smashing passing the shops I’m

screaming ‘make it stop! make it stop!’

Hard as a rock.

Off to school.

Don’t miss the bus.

Where’s the brush?

The hum of the fridge.

The grass needs cutting.

The lights are still on.

Everyone’s gone.

Ticking fingers.

Tapping toes.

Wiping a toddler's runny nose.

Fastening shoes.

Packing lunches.

Meeting with the 30 summats.

Soaps, quizzes, dramas, shows.

Scrubs, washes, razors soaps.

ASDA, Tesco, Lidl, Morgue.

All aboard to Benidorm!

Forget the fields, the misty copses.

Lose the branches, hangmans knuckles.

Black cat, witches’ chuckles.

It’s mothers day fathers day birthday christmas

mothers day fathers day birthday christmas.

Black car precession

drizzle, f*****g english drizzle

a silent sofa

oppressive stairs

piles of washing

uncut hair

everything is unsaid, hanging heavy in the air

Reviews

[Skylar Valentine]

"Off to school. Don't miss the bus. Where's the brush? -" I loved the images, the poem really came to life here. It goes in in lifelike detail and gradually spins out of control. We get a sense of time passing in a blur with "mothers day fathers day birthday christmas". I would strongly encourage the use of commas ect here. But maybe you wanted them to blur visually.

We get the disjointed images of loss and perhaps death at the end. The final sentence seems to speak of unspoken regrets. A very powerful and strong write.

[BenKeane]

Thank you so much, I'll definitely consider your suggestion!

[DaughterNature]

I like the second stanza much more than the first, you develop a nice rhythm when describing daily life, although I'm not so sure all of the lines should end with periods, since they are not complete sentences. Also, why is the e in "english drizzle" not capitalized? Was that intentional?

[Sami Khalil]

A very enjoyable read. A very good write...:)...................

[Robert Gluzman]

I agree with what Skylar said on the comma issue. It might lead to confusion for some people, especially the fact that this poem is quite quick pace.

Apart from that, what you can do to make it better is make it longer. Really, if you can do that this will be really great. In my opinion, pause on some particular events and maybe change the pattern a bit. For example, I thought its a bit too random when you jumped from the first paragraph to "Off to school" and "Wheres the brush". It felt that the setting of this part did not fit in with the setting of your first stanza.

The second part of the stanza feels like something you would experience when returning home from school. In my opinion you should make a separate one where you describe a frantic day in school and then move on to the third stanza where you can describe

Other than that really nice, "drizzle, f*****g english drizzle" hehehe that was unexpected, which made the verse really strong and attention grabbing.

[BenKeane]

Thanks so much for the feedback, I'll definitely consider sorting out those commas and lengthening the whole thing, thanks again!

[AnneSam]

It was interesting the swearing through me off but good pace. I liked reading it