Issues and Flaws

Caution: This is very depressing and emotional. With that out of the way. This is pure emotions put into words.

Confidence is a huge issue with me. Though if I'm being truly honest with myself. It's more than just confidence issues, I'm also extremely jealous. Jealous of what you might ask? People and their experiences with friends, family, and loved ones. I can never seem to get stop myself from feeling this way and often start to hate myself for it. When I look back upon my life all I can see is the short comings and bad experiences in my life. Honestly it's a miracle I'm even alive in this world. My mother basically abandoned me and my father is a good for nothing who never wanted anything to do with me. 

I would love nothing more than to be able to get out in the world and do the things I love. If only there was something I loved. My husband only ever wants to play videos games and ignore me like my mother. I always look forward to going out with my friends though again I can never find the confidence to truly enjoy myself and then my jealousy comes out. Jealous of how my friend attracts guys, how they can dance to the music so carefree, happily, and still look amazing. I've tried teaching myself to dance but it hasn't helped, I've looked into lessons or someone who could teach me but that all costs money and lets face it, I'm broke. I've asked my friends to help too but it doesn't help either. It's not just dancing I'm jealous of. It's happy and funny but loving moment that turn into memories. I'm jealous of those moments because I have yet to experience that. 

I'm so angry at my inexperience and though I try for it and go for it with everything I have, I still find myself lacking. I'm not happy I don't even remember the last time I was happy. I want to experience true love, passion, fun, freedom, confidence, and memories. Though I have no one to share those things with. You might think I could do so with my husband but he only cares about games and is more loyal to his online friends than me. I've always come 3rd in hi life. Games, friends, wife. He has nothing to offer me and doesn't care to try and find new experiences. Leaving me very much alone and lonely. 

I want to share with people joy and happiness but everyone in my life is too busy with adult life/ student life. It's actually quite sad that work is filled with so much stress, sadness and responsibilities that get in the way of what life really is about. I feel like my life is slowly dying as each day passes without a new experience and the only way you can gain new experiences is with money. I want to be able to dance under the sun and moon with joy and happiness in my heart with confidence. Honestly let's be real it'll never happy not for someone like me who has no one. 

Reviews

[Onlyme]

It sounds like you are frustrated with your own feelings and needs. And look towards others life. Thinking they will give you comfort and love. When all they do is make you feel more frustrated and jealous. Because you want to feel what they feel. You have to learn to like and love you for you. And find something you enjoy. That is more suited to you. Like poetry for one. Seems to suit you. As you are expressing yourself freely and openly. And being frank and honest. Bravo for speaking out and for being just you. I know this must have been hard to do. But you did it. Keep exploring your feelings and poetry and writing. And you will flourish.

[Shikon Akuma Ookami]

Thank you very much. As true as all of this is, it really does hurt but I think i've come a bit of ways out of this dark place where I was roaming. Thanks again for the review and insight.

[Onlyme]

Just keep writing sweetheart. And expressing yourself. As others do understand and relate. You are honestly far from alone. And I do mean that. hugs. Dawn.

[JohnB]

You surely have those situations expressed well. How do they make you feel ? I know I sound like Janet, but I think that is the essence of writing - to express feelings in a way that the reader can feel them and relate.

[Shikon Akuma Ookami]

Thanks for the review I'm glad you enjoyed the read