Immortality Ending?

Just the whisper broke the silence

Just the drink is in her hand

Just the bad thoughts whirling around in her mind

Just her heart beat slowing down

Just only the moonlight can save her

Only the hollowness of the air

Only the darkness can swallow her whole

Is this the end of my immorality?

Reviews

[Edward Clay]

my main problem, is the seemingly random repetition. where it starts "just" for the first 5 lines, then repeats "only" for two lines before finishing. i'd suggest starting line 5 with "Only" and dropping the just, because that final just feels excessive. then this way, the repetition seems more divided, than randomly placed.

i like the first line especially, with how even the lowest of noises, is enough to disturb the deepest of silences.