Canvas of Change

Oct. 6, 2010

Cooler days and colored leaves,

Showing off their brilliance,

Signifying fall's return.

My favorite season, 

Once aesthetically pleasing,

Now brings forth powerful and 

Painful ambiguity.

 

While I want to focus 

On those dearest,

Pressures to succeed 

Have outweighed the 

Clarity that friends Bring.

Relationships torn and anxiety abound,

Fogging my rationality.

 

Soon,

It will all end.

Those cared for will be 

Left behind.

In life,

There is no rewind

So everything must count 

The first time.  

 

More people have been hurt

In the span of short week

Than I ever care to see.

My own brush,

Has painted this canvas

Dull-grey, a hideous creation.

Conveying what I already know.

Death, love, and loss are alway certain.

 

This life is soon-ending,

My head spins at the possibilities.

I don't want to leave.

But this is no longer my home, 

I've yet to find it.  

Author's Note

I wrote this when several bad events happened in rapid succession. I learned that my uncle had finally succumbed to his leukemia, then my grandpa wound up in the hospital (his pacemaker was malfunctioning), and then I broke up with my girlfriend. In addition to this stress, I was struggling with issues at school and at home.

When I broke up with my girlfriend, I regretted not spending more time with her. But, even more, I regretted neglecting my coursework (I dropped a class), and who I call my friends.

I will be graduating shortly, and I am very uncertain of my future. I am quite sick of the academic life because I have had to sacrifice so much to go to school. Sometimes I let some of the undesirable things about my life--paying for school on my own--get the best of me. I am just sick of being broke, and I want to find my place in this world.

Although I am ready to move on, I am having bitter-sweet feelings about graduation. For one, I don't think that my resume will be very impressive to employers--my GPA is decent, but my major and my skill level for that major are a joke. I should have transferred, but it took me until my junior year to figure this out. I've only recently started participating in campus activities--since I joined my fraternity (ATO). I am also hesitant to move permanently away from my friends.

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."
--Theodore Roosevelt