Be Still, My Heart!

Oh, how my mind knows letting myself fall for the seemingly impossible would only break my heart. Yet, in a hilariously ironic manner, my heart still yearns for what it wants.

Be still, my heart! Oh please, be still.

I often question how it is possible to fall in love with someone after only having a glimpse at a few pages of a book called their life. How is it possible to have feelings for someone after just a short time together? After-all, a book’s quality should not be determined merely by its starting few pages. Yet, it is those words scribbled in the chapters we share that captivated my heart.

Police! Police, police. I like to report a thief, the author of those chapter, for it is whom who stole my heart and ran away. Do I blame the criminal who took what should not have been theirs or do I fault myself for allowing myself to fall for a love that is seemingly cannot be? After-all, they have a partner.

Oh, what is it with me and having feelings for someone whom I cannot have? What is it with me who falls in love with someone already in a relationship? Why does the heart yearn for what it cannot get? Your personality and kindness shine brighter than the sun, more so than your hair. The smile and vulnerability I have had the opportunities to have a glance at only served to tighten your grip on my heart. And my gosh, it is frustrating not being able to tell you that it’d be all okay. It’s annoying how I’m not able to wipe away your tears. But it is understandable that I am not able to. Because at the end of the day, I barely know you at all, nor you I. I--, I have no right to. I am of course nobody to you.

Gosh, oh gosh. I need to stop falling in love with someone who shows me the slightest hint of kindness. I should not be the rabbit who chases the carrot on a stick. I must not stay in a dream, no, a fantasy. Who am I to having emotions for you? And who am I to hold your hands?

Be still my heart. Oh please, be still.

You, without having to say anything at all or maybe even knowing of my feelings, have reminded me that whatever emotions I hold for you is not meant to be. And that’s why perhaps I had never tell you of them, not at least outright or sooner.

I always wonder would I ever be enough? When will I be enough? How would I be enough? I crawl and I craw forth, and yet, oh and yet, my efforts would never be enough.

In every trip I take, I see couples together. One leaning their head on another in the bus ride. People intertwine their fingers together. Others sharing their laughs and smiles together. Over time, I’ve come to peace with being alone. Yet, it still tugs my heart’s string a little and jealousy every so often kicks in.

And don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, at least not anymore. I’m slowly coming to terms with being by myself and enjoying my own companionship. I put my earpieces and let the sounds of music take me away, whether during trips out or within the four walls of my room or mind. I too realize how selfish my letter has been �" each line and paragraph has been mostly about myself or about wanting my hands to hold yours.  For that, I am sorry.

It won’t be long before the time to say our last goodbyes will come. Counting away, counting away, till the day my love will up and be lost once again on me. I think I will eventually be able to move on again. But I hope I never lose the indents left on my heart, the heart I will eventually take back.

So here I am again, in a familiar position like all. As with the ones before you, I will treasure the kindness and smiles you have shared with me. Thank you and I wish you all the best and happiness this world can offer. And be still my heart, oh please, be still.

Goodbyes from an anonymous crush.