There's Always Help

Blood is running down the walls

Bugs are in my hair.

I hear screams inside my head

And I don't even care.

The sky is falling down again

I'm talking to myself.

I spoke to the therapist in my head

He said I need some help.

But while you're reading this poem through

I wanted you to know

When you're not okay suicide ain't a solution

It ain't the place to go.

Reviews

[John the Baptist]

In my mental health career, I encountered numerous people who were suffering much as the speaker in this offering is. When someone gets to this point, it means they have been off their medications a long, long time. Hospitalization is the only course now.
PS: You might consider rewording the next to last line. The rhyming and meter is excellent up to that point, but as it reads now, it throws the meter off.

[Cameron@Poet]

I will look into what you said John. Thanks for commenting! :)

[KAREN]

This is a very deep poem! I love the rhyme, but most importantly, I love the message. Suicide isn't the answer!

[Cameron@Poet]

Indeed it isn't! Glad you liked it, thanks for commenting!! :)

[KAREN]

You're welcome!

[KATHY SUE SILLS]

Wow! This poem has and awesome message!

[Cameron@Poet]

Thanks!
Glad you like it! :)

[KATHY SUE SILLS]

My pleasure!

[Miss Sharon]

(When you're not okay suicide ain't a solution It ain't the place to go.) How very true. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You wrote it well. ~Sharon

[Cameron@Poet]

Thank you Miss Sharon! :)

[M. J. Smith]

Wish a friend of mine had understood that thirty years ago. Now, all that remains of her is an old rosary and a faded gravestone. Quite a poem. Short and very much to the point. Excellent message.

[Cameron@Poet]

Thank you M.J. Sorry for your loss.

[Aurora]

I really appreciate what this poem is symbolizing. Keep writing I like your poems!

[Cameron@Poet]

Thank you Aurora! :)

[JayG]

Blood is running down the walls
Bugs are in my hair.
I hear screams inside my head
And I don't even care.
- - - - - -

Okay, given that, why should reader care?

I mean no disrespect, but think about it. Someone we know nothing about telling us how he feels, in general without making us know why, or, making the reader care.

As a reader reaction: If blood is running down the walls where you are, get the hell out of there. Sure, you meant it as a metaphor. But who in all the world, other than you, knows what events, or beliefs link the one you refer to, to the points of the metaphor?

For you, who has both context, and intent—who feels the emotion as you write—is driven to write it, it makes sense as you read it. But as Mark Twain famously said, “Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.”

You’re TELLING the reader things when you should be showing it to them so realistically, so deeply into your viewpoint, that they feel as if it’s THEIR story.

Talk to the reader and at best, you get, “Aww…poor baby.” But in looking into why you feel as you do, so as to make the reader share and understand, who knows, you may better understand yourself?

You did ask...

[Cameron@Poet]

Thanks for your comment. I understand what you are saying. All I was trying to imply was that the character was going "crazy". This was just a quick poem I made last year for suicide prevention.

[Cameron@Poet]

I just thought I would share it with everyone. Also, I know you mean no disrespect. :)
People can take criticism two ways: the disrespectful route, or the learn from your mistake route.
I try to learn from my mistakes,so I actually appreciate your comments.

[rmarrwrites]

Great writing, really meaningful. The third line has a typo - lowercase "i." I wouldn't say you need the commas, especially since you go without on line 7, but that's just a stylistic thing.

[Cameron@Poet]

Good to know. I will change the "i". When you say no commas do you mean at the end of every stanza?

[rmarrwrites]

Yeah, it's readable without them but perfectly fine to keep them in as well. Whatever you think helps with the "flow" the best.

[Cameron@Poet]

Okay thank you! :)