Where I am Now

This is a journal entry right after getting back on my feet from being sick. I wrote this back in 2008 and this is when I first began dating my husband as well. This is about my experiences.

A friend of mine mentioned how my blogs have only been poems and song lyrics lately, but nothing about my life. Well, there is a reason for that. It's not that my life lately is boring, because it definitely is anything but that, but it is not some wonderful exciting story that I think anyone would be too interested in reading either. I'm just going to say that I've been going through nothing but change after change for the past few months. Honestly, I've been afraid to write about my life lately because I'm scared of describing it incorrectly. 

I am the most happy I have been in a long time, but that doesn't mean that I'm not scared as hell at the same time. This time last year, I was so sick, bald, and was in a serious 2 year relationship….and completely miserable, to put it simply. I've come a long way since then, having to lose a lot, but gaining a lot as well. I know where I'm going and what I want out of life and on my way to reaching that place where I want to be, but I'm scared of making the same mistakes over again. 

Like I said, I was very sick this time last year and was basically restricted from everything. I'm no longer sick and no longer restricted from a normal life. In fact, I work and go to school. I love my job and I love what I'm learning in class. I lost myself for little while due to these health issues and messed up relationships, but I feel like I'm finally finding myself again. I finally regained the confidence I lost and the only person I'm trying to please right now, is myself, not to sound conceited, but it's about time. I'm happy where I am and I can't wait to keep going with things. 

I was thinking back on things recently, and I remembered how it felt to be stuck in the hospital, on chemo, watching my hair fall out on my pillow, crying when I had it shaved off, and waiting for my blood counts to go up as I tried to keep food down. I remember the feeling of looking out the window and just wanting to leave my sterile environment and go outside to just take a walk and breath fresh air, no matter how cold it was. I remember dreaming of how wonderful my life would be when I got better and how I thought my "then" boyfriend would take care of me forever. I had such hope, but I was so impatient. 

I can recall being on all the IV meds…then being put on what seemed like 100 pills a day. How excited I was to leave that hospital 2 days after my 21st birthday. Little by little, month after month, making progress but having to stay out of crowds and public places. Being told what I can and can't eat, drink, and not being able to be around groups of people. I would wear wigs not only to keep myself warm, but to make myself feel beautiful again. There were blood drawings and four hour doctor visits every 3 days to receive fluids. I basically lived off of premium crackers, hot tea, and vitamin water. 

Going through all this, I just always wanted to be with the person I loved most, whom could always make me feel better about things, but feeling like I was just a burden to him because I was. Most of time I was going through all this, I hardly thought about myself, instead I put my life into something that only in a few months would just go straight down the drain. It's weird to have someone so close one minute and then gone forever the next. I don't miss this person though because he never appreciated me too much anyhow…but the fact I let myself get to this point with someone who I should have never trusted, scares me. There must have never been even a true friendship there, obviously. But it's ok…you live, you learn. 

I'm so happy now. I'm proud of the hardships I have overcome and even though I lost people I thought meant the world to me along the way, I realized that faith in people should be fragile and strength is in you. I might have needed certain people at certain times in my life to help me through, but this is my life and I can only carry myself through it all the way. 

Now, I am in a new relationship with a great, caring guy who makes me laugh. We're taking things extremely slow, but I like it that way and I feel secure that way. Who knows what will happen or how far things will go, but day by day is the best way. I will be transferring to Cleveland state next fall and I couldn't ask for a better job, where I feel more appreciated or more cared for by the people there. Everyday I'm reminded about how great my life is and everyday I couldn't be more thankful. 

Health wise, I get my mediport, which I have had for almost 3 years, taken out of my chest in 3 days and I'm scared because they will not put me to sleep and I'll feel them pulling it out, but even so, it's progress. 

I still visit the bone marrow transplant floor at the hospital where I have a friend who is there now going through the same s**t I did. I know how she feels because I remember it all. I can remember the smells, the tastes, the feelings about that whole place and situation. She's doing well and I see her getting past this with flying colors. 

The hardest part about it all was the emotional strain…the need to keep focused on your goal and not lose hope that one day you will get through it. The physical part was just something you had to do to get through it, but keeping your mind strong and hopeful was nothing short of a challenge. 

I look back and I smile because I know where I am now and I know I can make it through almost anything with confidence and grace. God is good to me.