American Dad Spec Script

Armed with Roger's alien guns, the smiths break into the CIA headquarters with Kanye West to set things straight.

This was formatted correctly but when I uploaded it, the 'writer's cafe' editor shifted everything to the left. i do apologize but everything else seems to be in order. Enjoy.

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AMERICAN DAD

 

“Harder " Better " Faster " Stronger”

 

By

 

Ezra Rice

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ACT ONE

 

INT. SMITH’S KITCHEN " DAY

 

A TV on the counter, Kanye west singing "Harder-Better-Faster-Stronger". FRANCINE is at the garbage can, throwing away a LARGE ADULT DIAPER. STAN is frantically SEARCHING for something, he’s pulling EVERYTHING out of the cabinets. All the DOORS and DRAWERS of the cabinets are wide open. Stan leans his head back to sing with kanye for a moment and then goes back to searching. Haley is sitting at the kitchen table, she rolls her eyes at Stan. Clause is in his bowel on the table, he is reading a ‘Sexy Fish’ Magazine.

 

FRANCINE

Stan! I just cleaned this place. It was gross. Roger had his diaper lover group over for breakfast.

 

STAN

I need my guns Francine. I have an important mission and I can’t do it without them.

 

FRANCINE

What’d ya need ‘em for anyway.

 

Stan stops what he’s doing, he stands next to Francine, his face is millimeters away from hers, he squints his eyes.

 

STAN

Don’t do that. Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I need my guns for. That just pisses me off. And you don’t wanna see me pissed off.

 

Stan returns to his search for his guns. Roger walks in the room, he is naked, he takes a seat at the end of the table.

 

ROGER

Morn’n Franni.

 

FRANCINE

Roger,I...

 

Francine is interrupted by Steve.

 

STEVE

Wa... wait, Roger, did you just call my Mom a Mormon?

 

ROGER

What? No I said Morn’n.

 

STEVE

Oh.

 

FRANCINE

Yeah, honey. It’s common greeting in our society that one might use before noon. That’s 12 PM. You’d think that it would be 12 AM because it’s in the daytime, but it’s really not.

 

STEVE

So… so no one said Mormon? Cause, I… I gotta joke.

 

Francine looks at Steve, annoyed, she looks back at Roger.

 

FRANCINE

Roger, that was disgusting.

 

ROGER

Yeah, thanks fer do’n that, Franny. I usually have Darlene change me but I had a bunch a jalapenos on my breakfast burrito and filled my diaper a little bit early if ya know what I mean.

 

Roger nudges in Francine direction and winks.

 

HALEY

Eww… Roger. That’s disgusting.

 

ROGER

Real original Haley. You just repeated what your mom said.

 

STEVE

Mom, what’s a diaper lover?

 

FRANCINE

Not now, Steve!

 

ROGER

(Looking at Stan)

What’s with Old McDonald Make A Mess over there?

 

Steve turns to Haley as Francine and Roger talk. Steve whispers in Haley’s ear. Haley turns to Steve and whispers back. Steve’s eyes open wide, he screams, he stands up and continues screaming as he runs around the kitchen, waving his arms.

 

FRANCINE

Oh, he can’t find his guns.

 

ROGER

Well of course he can’t find ’em… I sold ‘em.

 

STAN

(Yelling)

ROGER! What the hell did you do that for?

 

Steve tires himself out from running, he stops by Francine, he rests his hands on his knees and breaths heavily.

 

ROGER

Why to pay fer my penis enlargement of course.

 

STAN

What?

 

Roger stands up from the table.

 

ROGER

Yeah! But since I didn’t have a penis to begin with, they had to install a pump.

 

Roger lowers his hand out of view, his arm twitches a little, we hear the sound of his penis pump, a devilish grin appears on his face. Everyone in the room drops their jaws. They all stare at Roger’s crotch. Francine stands behind Steve and covers his eyes with her hands.

 

FRANCINE

Roger, if you’re gonna use your pump in the kitchen, put some clothes on.

 

CLAUSE

Oh, nice. I want one. I'm gonna make it huge.

 

STAN

No way, Clause. Noth'n do'n. I already have to watch you poop in your bowl I'm not going to stare at your giant erection all day.

 

CUT TO: Clause in his bowl. A profile of him shows a blur over his penis that extends almost to the bottom of the bowl.

 

CUT BACK:

 

CLAUSE

Where’d ya get the skin for that?

 

ROGER

It’s pretty big, so they had to use some skin from my a*s.

A close up of Roger’s a*s and back reveals a large penis and testicles shaped cutout of his skin, it is red and raw, clearly fresh.

 

STAN

D****t Roger!...

 

Stan pauses to glance down at Roger’s crotch.

 

STAN

Nice!

(Then)

…I need those guns to kill people.

 

 

ROGER

What kinda mission is this anyway?

 

Roger’s hand drops out of view while they are talking and we hear the squeal of air leaving his penis.

 

STAN

I’m killing an ambassador from South Africa " I’m working with Kanye West on this one, and it’s hard to impress a celebrity when I don’t even have any guns.

 

Everyone swoons and giggles.

 

CLAUSE

Oh, Kanye West, I’d let him poop in mine bowl.

 

Francine and Haley both roll their eyes back and sigh with satisfied grins on their faces.

 

FRANCINE/HALEY

That sounds nice./Oh God, yes!

 

ROGER

Oh, Stan, quit be’n such a b***h.

 

STEVE

Yeah, dad! Why don’t you just use your bare hands like all the other cool Assassins?

 

Stan takes a deep breath and then speaks calmly.

 

STAN

Bare hands are necessary part of the assassin’s toolkit but are only useful in certain...

(Beat)

Oh shut up Steve, I don’t have to explain myself to any of you.

 

HALEY

Dad, I’m glad he stole your guns. Killing is wrong!

 

 

STAN

Oh big surprise, Haley.

(Emphatically)

The hippy don’t like guns.

 

Stan scoffs and rolls his eyes overdramatically.

 

STAN

(To Roger)

You’ve totally screwed me here!

 

Roger awkwardly reaches behind him. We hear a slurping, sucking sound, followed by a pop. Roger pulls a large gun out of his a*s.

 

ROGER

Here, use this.

 

FRANCINE/STEVE

Eww, Roger!/ That’s discusting!

 

ROGER

What?

 

STAN

That was in‘ur butt. And I don’t touch things that have been in people’s butts. " Not after I gave Hillary Clinton her prostate exam.

 

ROGER

What? No it wasn’t. You really think I’m gonna shove a gun up my butt and walk around for two and a half months and then pull it out and give it to you?

 

FRANCINE/STAN/HALEY/STEVE/CLAUSE

Yes!

 

ROGER

I was keeping it in my pouch.

 

STAN

You have a pouch?

 

ROGER

Well yeah, I’m a marsupial.

 

STEVE

Roger, that’s awesome!

 

STAN

Wait, What?

 

HALEY

You’re a marsupial.

 

ROGER

Well, yeah, I can put all kinds a things in there.

 

Roger reaches back and pulls out several items and one by one he places them on the table. First a bottle of rum, then a large printing of Mona Lisa - in frame, followed by a potted plant, and finally a small puppy, that he snuggles, he lets it go on the ground.

 

CLAUSE

This is fantastic, Roger. Do you have anything else in there?

 

ROGER

(worried)

NO!

 

Everyone gives roger a look. We hear a man’s voice.

 

MAN

(Muffled)

Can I come out now!

(Beat)

Roger?

 

No on says a word, they all just stare at roger with eyes wide open.

 

MAN

(Muffled)

Where am I? I’m frightened.

 

END OF ACT ONE

 

ACT TWO

 

INT. ROGER’S ATTIC - DAY

 

The puppy runs around the attic, yipping, barking, and panting. The whole family stands in front of a large, blank wall. Roger pushes a button and it transforms with shelves and cubby holes appearing, panels in the wall slide out and turn around, revealing hundreds of guns, an arsenal.

 

STAN

Roger! What are all these?

 

ROGER

These are my guns, Stan.

 

STAN

Well if ya have your own guns, why the hell’d ya sell mine.

 

ROGER

Mine are space guns, Stan. If I tried to sell‘em here on earth, people wouldn’t know what they are so I couldn’t get 10 bucks for ‘em.

 

FRANCINE

Roger, you’ve got so many.

 

ROGER

Oh yeah, I got all kinds a guns. Peanut butter gun, wiener gun, Peanut butter wiener gun.

 

STEVE

What’s that one for?

 

Haley reaches behind her and scratches the middle of her butt.

 

ROGER

(Laughing)

Oh honey, you... you don’t wanna know.

 

 

 

HALEY

(Disgusted)

Roger, why’d you even bring these up here?

 

Haley is interrupted by Stan, Francine, Roger and Steve staring at her as she scratches her butt.

 

STAN

(Worried)

Haley, what the hell are you doing?

 

HALEY

What? I’m just scratch’n my butt.

 

ROGER

No, No! Using the tips of your fingers is scratching.

 

STEVE

Ya, when you’re in up to your elbow it’s something entirely different.

(Angrily)

ya sick d****e.

 

Haley takes her hand away from scratching and holds both of her hands up. Everyone but Roger jumps back and gasps.

 

HALEY

What?

 

STAN/FRANCINE/STEVE

What the hell, Haley?/I don’t want your poo on me?/You’re sick!

 

Roger leans into Haley’s fingers, closes his eyes, he takes a long, deep sniff, he holds it in for a moment, he exhales slow and shivers at the same time.

 

ROGER

(Overly exaggerated)

Oh... my... God!

 

Roger opens his eyes, everyone is staring at him. Haley pulls her hand away.

 

ROGER

Just do what I do, Haley. Eat a bunch of foods that make ya real gassy and then let the farts do all the work. Scratches the entire length of your rectum from the inside out.

 

STEVE

(Excitedly)

Roger! I thought I was the only one that did that.

 

FRANCINE

Really? I’ve farted thousands of times and never had that happen.

 

STAN

You guys do it too? It feels soooo good but I never told anyone cause I was embarrassed.

 

FRANCINE

Seriously, am I just doing something wrong?

 

They all give Francine a look.

 

HALEY

Leave it to the three men in the house to take something as disgusting as farting and make it even disgusting " er

 

WIDEN: to reveal Clause floating in his bowel.

 

CLAUSE

Uh, three? Oh yeah, I uh... Last time I checked, I was a man.

 

 

 

 

 

ROGER

(Aggressively)

Shut up Clause! You’re not a man, you’re half fish, which means you’re not even a full fish.

(Yelling)

You’re nothing!

 

Roger swings his arm, knocking Clause to the ground, his bowl shatters. Clause gasps for air. We hear a very loud fart, Francine’s eyes are open wide, a devilish grin appears on her face.

 

FRANCINE

Oh my God, that does feel good!

 

ROGER/STAN

Fart it out Franny!/Doesn’t it?

 

Stan, Steve, Roger and Francine all fart several times in a row, all laughing, all smiling. Haley stands alone, she rolls her eyes and scoffs.

 

FRANCINE

How come you guys never told me this before?

 

HALEY

Ugh " You guys are disgusting!

 

FRANCINE

Ya know what I say to that?

 

Francine lifts her leg and grunts, we hear a week and trailing fart. Francine, Stan, Steve and Roger all start laughing.

 

FRANCINE

It’s funny and it feels good.

(Then, to Haley)

Well if ya don’t wanna fart to scratch yourself then why don’t ya try cleaning yourself better after ya poo?

 

 

 

STEVE

(Quietly)

Gross.

 

STAN

(Singing a tune)

Haley doesn’t know how to clean herself, Haley doesn’t know how to clean herself...

 

 

ROGER

You’re dirty.

(Then)

But if ya need help, I offer specialized butthole cleaning services. My prices are very reasonable and I only go up to the second knuckle.

(Then " Whispering)

I’ll go to my wrist if ya pay me enough.

 

FRANCINE

It’s not that hard. After you pee or poo, you wipe from font to back.

 

Everyone stops laughing and gives Francine a serious look.

 

FRANCINE

What? Ya don’t wanna get poo in you’re vagina.

 

Everyone looks at Francine in disgust, all silent.

 

FRANCINE

What?

 

Steve faints, he hits the floor with a thud. Stan kicks Steve a few times until Steve stands up again.

 

STAN

(Muttering to Steve)

Don’t faint over that, ya big girl. Git up!

 

ROGER

So, what can I getcha, Stan?

 

STAN

I just need something to shoot people with.

 

ROGER

Well they’re guns, Stan. They all shoot. Ya need long distance or something more for close-quarters combat?

 

STAN

I don’t know, something mid-range.

 

Stan reaches for the nearest gun.

 

STAN

What about this one?

 

ROGER

It’s like a grappling hook, won’t kill anyone.

 

STEVE

Roger, what about this one?

 

Steve picks up a large, purple rifle.

 

ROGER

Ooh, one of my favorites.

 

Roger steps to Steve and takes the gun from him.

 

ROGER

You think of something you wanna eat, the gun reads your mind, then you pull the trigger and voila.

 

STAN

Roger, how come we’ve never heard of this till now, we could have been using it for so many things.

 

ROGER

We have used it, Stan.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. KITCHEN " DAY

 

Roger sits at the table, he’s eating a sandwich. Stan is pacing the floor in front of the table, he’s holding a folder.

 

STAN

I can’t believe I offered to cater this thing here tonight. I can’t prepare that much food in two hours, Roger.

 

ROGER

Don’t worry Stan, I’ll take care of it.

 

Stan sets the folder on the corner of the table.

 

STAN

Really? You’d do that for me?

 

ROGER

For sure bud, don’t worry about a thing.

 

STAN

Oh, that’s great, thanks Roger.

 

Stan walks into the living room.

INT. LIVING ROOM " CONTINUOUS

 

Stan walks through the door from the kitchen, takes a few steps and then realizes something.

 

STAN

Ooops, forgot my file.

 

Stan turns and walks back into the kitchen.

 

INT. KITCHEN " CONTINUOUS

 

Stan enters through the kitchen door from the living room. The entire kitchen has changed. The table and all the counters are now filled with fresh fruits and vegetables, roasts, honey hams, side dishes and beautiful deserts, three different chocolate fountains, and so much more. Roger is still sitting in his same spot at the table, eating his sandwich as though nothing had changed. Stan doesn’t notice anything, he steps to the corner of the table, picks up the folder, turns and leaves once again. Once Stan is out of the room, Roger takes another bite of his sandwich.

 

 

CUT BACK:

 

Stan is shocked.

 

STAN

What? I don’t remember that.

 

ROGER

You don’t remember anything.

 

FRANCINE

(Upbeate)

That’s my Stan.

 

ROGER

(To Steve)

Here, Steve. What’d ya wanna eat?

 

STEVE

Uh, I dunno, cupcake?

 

Roger points it at Steve and pulls the trigger. A large fluffy cupcake lobs out and lands in his hands.

 

STEVE

(Yelling)

My God, Roger. This is awesome!

 

FRANCINE

(Laughing)

Oh, Roger, I wanna try.

 

HALEY

No, me first! Me first!

 

 

FRANCINE

Ugh, fine!

 

ROGER

Okay, Haley, what’ll it be?

 

HALEY

A foot long hot dog " with sauerkraut.

 

ROGER

Oooh... good one.

 

Haley holds her hands out. Roger pulls the trigger, a plump, juicy, hot dog plops onto her hands.

 

FRANCINE

(Excited)

Roger! Now do me!

 

ROGER

Okay, settle down there, spaz. What’d ya want?

 

FRANCINE

I wanna hot dog too, no cupcake! No, spaghetti! No, beer! No, steak!

 

Roger pulls the trigger, unleashing all five at the same time. They come out fast and smash into her face, first the hot dog, the cupcake, then uncooked spaghetti with sauce, then an unopened beer bottle, then a half cooked steak.

 

FRANCINE

(Yelling)

Ouch! Roger!

 

ROGER

Well, ya shouldn’t have thought about five things at once.

 

STAN

(Laughing)

Ha ha! Roger this is great.

 

Stan reaches for a new gun, he sees a large, cool looking weapon, clearly alien.

 

STAN

Roger, what’s this one?

 

ROGER

Oh, that’s another good one. It’s a body switching gun.

 

STAN

Really? How does it work.

 

ROGER

There’s a DIAL on the side, turn it to switch...

 

CLOSE-UP: on the side of the gun. A single dial with two options: “Switch” and “Switch Back”. Stan turns the knob back and forth a few times, he turns it to switch but it doesn’t make it all the way, the dial is in the middle.

 

ROGER (CONT)

...and then point it at whoever you wanna switch with and then just pull the trigger. Comes in real handy when starting a coop.

 

Francine finishes wiping all the food from her face and clothes. Stan points the gun to Francine, he pulls the trigger. The gun fires a bolt of light that encompasses both Stan and Francine. The room starts to shake and then

"BAM- The beam of light explodes knocking everyone to the ground. No one is moving.

 

Everyone groans and then Stan and Francine stand up together facing the others in the room. We can only see enough of them to suggest that nothing is wrong. Haley, Roger, Clause and Steve look at Francine and Stan. They are in shock with jaws dropped.

 

FRANCINE

You guys okay?

 

ROGER

Are we okay?

 

STEVE

What happened to you guys?

 

HALEY

Yeah, this is freaking me out.

 

FRANCINE/STAN

What?/What are you talking about?

 

REVEAL: Stan and Francine are standing side by side. The gun malfunctioned, switching only part of each person. They are still in their own bodies but with a few new parts. Francine has Stan’s chin, left leg, hands and his hair. Visa verse for Stan except he got one of Francine’s b***s. They finally look at each other, they scream. They both feel their own faces.

 

FRANCINE

Is, is this real, Stan?

 

STAN

Roger! What the hell happened?

 

ROGER

I don’t know, I wasn’t the one holding the gun, Stanny Poo.

(Then)

Or should I say Franny Poo?

 

STEVE

(To Roger)

Nice!

 

STAN

(Yelling)

Roger?

 

ROGER

I dunno, Stan. What’d you do?

 

STAN

I just pulled the trigger.

 

Roger picks up the gun, he inspects it.

 

 

 

ROGER

Stan! You didn’t turn it all the way to switch.

 

STAN

What?

 

ROGER

It’s halfway between. It must have malfunctioned and only switched half of you with half of her.

 

Roger drops the guns and Steve picks it up.

 

STAN

Kanye’s gonna be here any minute.

 

FRANCINE

Stan, what’r we gonna do?

 

STAN

Okay, don’t panic.

 

Steve picks up the gun.

 

ROGER

Careful with that, honey.

 

STAN

Yeah, Steve. We don’t want this to happen again.

 

STEVE

Dad, have a little faith. I’m a grown man. I’m not just gonna…

 

Steve stumbles back and accidentally fires at Haley. The room shakes and the light beam explodes, throwing everyone back once again.

 

Haley and Steve have clearly switched but only a few parts. Chin and jaw, half of each other’s hair, and both legs. Steve also got one of Haley’s b***s.

 

ROGER

Oh God, their hideous.

 

CLAUSE

(Almost vomiting)

It’s like watching the two ugliest people in the world combined.

 

CLAUSE/ROGER

It’s like Scarlet Johansen and Taylor Swift.

 

Clause floats in his bowl, sitting on a box next to Roger. They both laugh together.

 

ROGER

Oh man, you thought of that too? Wait, I thought I just smashed your bowl to bits.

 

CLAUSE

You know how many times you break my bowl every week? You think I haven’t learned to have extras on hand by now?

 

The wall behind Clause is completely packed with boxes of brand new fish bowls.

 

Steve is grabbing his chest with both hands, comparing one side to the other.

 

STEVE

(Yelling)

Oh God, I only got one b**b.

 

Haley uses both hands to look down her pants, she screams.

 

HALEY

Ugh. I’m gonna be sick.

 

Roger and Clause laugh.

 

ROGER

Ha, Haley’s gotta wiener.

 

Steve looks down his pants and screams louder than Haley.

 

STEVE

Ahhh! He’s gone!

 

STAN

Steve, settle down.

 

STEVE

But, dad! He’s " he’s gone. My, my " he’s gone. I look down and… he’s not there!

 

STAN

Oh, Steve, stop your whining.

 

A thought hits stan, he has a curious look on his face, he looks in his pants, he screams.

 

STAN

Ahhhh! Francine, that means you have my...

 

Francine stands still and just wiggles her hips from side to side, a dirty look appears on her face, she bites her lip. Just then the doorbell rings.

 

STAN

Ahh! He’s here.

 

FRANCINE

ugh, stan, stop your worrying. He’s in the CIA, right? He’ll understand.

 

STAN

Understand what? That we’ve been hiding an alien in our house and now got half our bodies switched because one of his weird guns?

 

ROGER

You can’t tell him, Stan! They’ll kill me!

 

STAN

I’m not gonna tell him, Roger, but you need to switch us back.

 

 

 

ROGER

I don’t know if I can, Stan. This thing wasn’t designed to switch people like that. Even if you turn the knob to switch back it could make things worse.

 

HALEY

Ugh, just kill me.

 

STEVE

Dad! What’re we gonna do?

 

The doorbell rings again. Francine turns to leave.

 

FRANCINE

I’ll get it.

 

STAN

Francine, no! You can’t answer it looking like that.

 

FRANCINE

Well we can’t have him out there too long. A black man, loitering? - in this neighborhood?

 

STEVE

Ya, Dad! He’s a famous celebrity, you gotta get’im off the street.

 

STAN

Alright, alright. Roger, get me one of your disguises.

 

ROGER

And let you get your taint juice all over it? No thanks " no thanks.

 

STAN

Roger!

 

ROGER

Alright, look. I’ll get in a disguise let him in.

 

While roger gets dressed, Stan explains.

 

STAN

Roger, I got it! We’ll use the CIA’s machine.

 

ROGER

They have a body switching machine?

 

STAN

Yeah, it was one of the pieces of alien technology they found in the crash landing in Roswell. We’ve been working on it ever since.

 

ROGER

Well just have Kanye go get the machine and bring it here.

 

STAN

Can’t, it’s too big.

 

ROGER

(Blushing)

Thanks.

 

STEVE

Not your weiner.

(Then. Crying.)

Oh god, my weiner.

 

STAN

Plus, I can’t have him see me like this.

 

ROGER

Okay, so what’d ya want me to do.

 

STAN

Just invite him in and then knock him out.

(Then)

Then come get me when he’s unconscious.

 

 

ROGER

Right!

 

INT. LIVING ROOM "DAY

 

The doorbell rings once more, Roger appears on the stairs and trips on the last step, he face plants with a grunt. He then stands up and walks to the door.

 

Before Roger can open the door, Clause walks down the stairs with Hayley’s legs attached to where his tail fin should be, he has his fish bowl, filled with water, it is upside down, covering his head and rests on her hips.

 

CLAUSE

Steve pulled the trigger again and I got Haley’s legs. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have a date.

 

 

Clause walks into the kitchen. Roger opens the front door to find Kanye West. Roger jumps and squeals like a little girl.

 

ROGER

Oh my God, it’s Kanye West.

 

KANYE

(Blushing)

Ah, yeah.

 

ROGER

Come in come in.

 

Kanye steps in and Roger closes the door behind him.

 

INT. ATTIC " MOMENTS LATER

 

STAN

What’s taking him so long?

 

FRANINE

Stan, it’s only been like 5 seconds.

 

ROGER (OS)

Stan! He’s unconscious.

 

Stan’s face lights up with excitement and he runs down stairs. The rest of them follow. Steve trails behind, he is sitting in one of Clauses fish bowels with his tail fin flapping in the water below his body, he scoots slowly across the floor.

 

INT. LIVING ROOM " MOMENTS LATER

 

Stan, Francine, and Haley emerge from the top of the stairs, they run down till they are standing next to Roger. Roger is standing behind Kanye who is lying on his face and propped up on his knees, his pants are pulled down revealing his bare a*s.

 

STAN

Roger? What the hell?

 

ROGER

What? You said to knock him out.

 

STAN

I say knock out and your mind goes to rape?

 

Roger looks at Stan for a moment and then shrugs.

 

END ACT TWO

 

 

 

ACT THREE

 

INT. FRONT ROOM " Day

 

Everyone but Clause stands around Kanye and Roger.

 

STAN

Okay, here’s what we do. There’s no way any of us can get through CIA security looking like this so we’re going to have to break in.

 

ROGER

How we gonna do that?

 

STAN

I’m just going to have to use my CIA training.

(Beat)

Hang on a second.

(yelling)

Francine!

 

FRANCINE

What’d I do?

 

STAN

What? No, I was summoning you as the housewife of this estate.

 

FRANCINE

(Curtsying)

Oh, sorry. What can I get you sir?

 

STAN

I’d like a foot long hot dog, a large fries, and a diet Coke.

 

STEVE

(Frantic)

My hot dog, oh God.

 

Steve grabs at where his crotch should be but feels the cold fish bowl, he screams.

 

 

 

FRANCINE

And will that be a large diet Coke or and extra large?

 

STAN

Extra large.

 

Francine walks to the kitchen.

 

STAN

Alright, everyone knows where you’re emergency gear is. Get changed into your sleuthing attire and meet back here in ten minutes.

 

INT. LIVING ROOM " SAME MOMENT

 

Everyone is where they were before but now, they are all dressed in black clothes. Long sleeve turtlenecks and beanie caps. They all wear a worried or confused look. Roger is casually filing his nails.

 

STAN

What the hell was that?

 

ROGER

What was what?

 

STEVE

What’d ya mean ‘what was what’? We didn’t move but we’ve all changed clothes.

 

ROGER

Huh? Oh, yeah. Stan was taking foreeeeeever so I sped things up with my TIME SPEADY UPPY GUN.

(Beat)

I told ya, I have a gun for every occasion.

 

 

HALEY

Dad, this better work. I’ll never date anyone looking like this.

 

 

STAN

(Gasp)

Dam you, Roger!

 

 

ROGER

What?

 

STAN

If we don’t change everyone back then no one will date Haley looking like that.

(Beat)

Except for Jeff.

 

ROGER

Oh yeah. He doesn’t have what you would call… “high standards”.  And since he’s never coming home, she’s screwed.

 

HALEY

(To Roger)

What’s that supposed to mean?

 

ROGER

Ugh… It means Jeff doesn’t care if you’ve got too much dirt and not enough star or if you still had your brother’s wiener. It means you stink and your ugly. It means your mom wasn’t wrong when she told you to wipe better. Front to back… it’s not that hard. Seriously, call me.

(Whispering)

Second knuckle.

 

Roger hands her a business card with a starfish in a puddle of mud.

 

STEVE

Oh hell no! That’s my a*s and I’m not let’n you stick your finger up there again.

 

Everyone gives Steve a look.

 

STEVE

What? It was when…

 

Roger silences Steve with a finger to his lips.

 

ROGER

Shh… That moment was between you and I. No one needs to know.

 

No one says a word. Rogers phone vibrates, he looks at it and begins to walk to the kitchen.

 

STAN

Where the hell are you going?

 

ROGER

That was Clause, he ordered a butthole cleaning. Apparently Hayley’s snuggley bitts are dirtier than we all thought. It’s gonna take more than the power stream setting on Francine’s new shower head, if ya know what I mean.

 

FRANCINE

Wait, Roger, how’d you know about my new shower head?

 

ROGER

Remember that giant googley eye that I told you I bought for a costume but ended up not making it so I stuck it in your shower for “funsies”?

 

STAN

Roger, you’ve been peeping on Francine?

 

FRANCINE

Oh, that makes sense. I wondered why the pupil stayed in the middle and never fell to the bottom.

 

Clause enters the living room from the kitchen.

 

CLAUSE

Come on Roger, let’s do this. I can’t expect to get laid with a dirty fudge maker.

 

 

HALEY

You’re not having sex with my legs.

 

CLAUSE

They’re mine now.

 

STAN

Haley! He’s a fish with a woman’s legs and boy’s penis. He’s not getting laid. No one would touch that.

 

STEVE

Wait, Clause, you have my dong?

 

CLAUSE

(Giggling)

Yes I do Steve.

 

STEVE

Gross!

 

FRANCINE

Oh, honey it’s not like you use it anyway.

 

STEVE

What? I use it all the time… I… I use it like 3 times a day.

 

HALEY

Eww… I don’t wanna hear that.

 

STAN

She meant with a woman…

 

STEVE

Oh, well then ya, I… I don’t uh…

 

STAN (CONT’D)

…It doesn’t matter anyway. He’s coming with us.

 

CLAUSE

What?

 

 

STAN

The machine can’t switch us back if we’re not all there. You’re coming!

 

CLAUSE

Fine.

 

STAN

Alright, everyone get your gun. We’re going to the CIA.

 

 

 

INT. STAN’S SUV " NIGHT

 

Stan is driving, Francine is in the passenger seat, Haley, Clause and Steve are in the back seat and Roger and unconscious Kanye are in the way back. Through the windshield, we can see all of them crammed in there. Roger is wrestling with Kanye’s unconscious body, trying to moon people with Kanye’s bare a*s. The car is constantly jerking forward and backward and side to side as Stan struggles with Francine’s foot and hands. Everyone inside are being tossed around like rag dolls, the water in clauses bowl is sloshing about.

 

CLAUSE

Stan… I’m gonna vomit.

 

HALEY

Dad, can’t you drive any smoother? The movement of the water is making Clause sick.

 

STEVE

(Smiling)

I like it, it feels good on my fin.

 

ROGER

(Yelling)

Stan! Drive better. You’re making it impossible to get Kanye’s a*s on the window. An old lady just flipped me off and I wanna show her his gremlin.

 

Stan is growing impatient.

 

STAN

D****t, that’s enough. Everyone just shut up. We’re almost there.

 

FRANICE

Don’t worry Stan, your driving’s not that bad.

 

EXT. CIA HEADQUARTERS " NIGHT

 

In front of a fence with a security gate in the distance and Langley beyond that. A row of bushes line the road leading up to the security gate. Stan’s SUV enters from the left, out of view of the guards. The SUV slows down and then jerks forward, everyone inside is tossed back and forth. The vehicle lunges forward again and then comes to a screeching halt, throwing everyone forward, Kanye’s body goes flying up to the front, he slams into the windshield between Stan and Francine, his pants are still down around his knees.

 

FRANCINE

(Groaning)

Ugh, is everyone alright?

 

Francine opens the car door, most of Kayne’s body is on her lap. She pushes him out, he lands in a crumpled heap.

 

ROGER

Yeah but no thanks to our driver, Old McDonald had a seizure.

(Beat)

Boy, I am loving these ‘Old McDonald’ jokes.

 

 

STAN

I told you, it wasn’t my fault. I can’t work the peddles with Francine’s skinny leg and tiny feet.

 

Francine climbs out, followed by Haley, Steve and Clause.

 

CLAUSE

Oh, Stan. That was the worst ride I’ve ever taken. And I once gave driving lessons to Hellene Keller.

 

STEVE

Well it doesn’t matter anyway. We’re here.

 

Stan gets out and they all walk toward the edge of the ivory covered fence to get a better look at the security gate.

 

FRANCINE

Stan, how we gonna get in there? They’re not gonna let three transvestites, two half fishes, Kanye west, and an alien just stroll on in.

 

STAN

It’s not gonna be easy but…

 

Stan is interrupted when they all hear a noise behind them, like something is being dragged through the dirt. They all look back toward the SUV, Roger is pulling Kanye’s body, his pants around his knees.

 

ROGER

What? I’m not leaving him here.

 

STAN

Right, someone could find him and it would blow the whole operation.

 

CLOSE UP: on Kanye’s bare a*s and Roger’s face. His eyes are wide open and staring and Kanye’s a*s.

 

 

ROGER

Right, that’s it. Wouldn’t wanna get caught.

 

STAN

Roger, you need to keep up. And pull his pants up.

 

ROGER

(Childish)

No! I like’m down.

 

Roger slaps Kanye’s a*s cheeks.

 

STEVE

Okay, guys. How we gonna do this?

 

STAN

Clause, you’re short enough to sneak behind those bushes.

 

CLAUSE

But they’ll see my bowl.

 

STAN

It’ll be fine. The guards will only take action if they see a human or an alien. We don’t have the budget to train them to do anything for fish.

 

From the security gate, the two guards are facing out, one is reading and the other is childishly playing a game on his phone. The bushes are on the left, we see clauses fish bowl with his head sticking straight up, it seams to be floating along the bushes. The two guards jump up with there weapons.

 

GUARD 1

Possible security breach, let’s go.

 

Guard 2 stops Guard 1 with a hand on his shoulder.

 

GUARD 2

Wait! It’s just a cute little fish.

 

Through the window behind the guards, the Smith’s sneak past the security gate, Stan and Francine stumbling across the grass, Steve scoots himself with his hands, Roger is behind them with Kanye’s body in tow.

 

GUARD 1

But what’s a fish doing out here? Shouldn’t we go check it out?

 

Guard 2 taps his gun against a sign on the wall that reads “Your concern is with HUMANS and ALIENS only!”

 

GUARD 2

Not a human or an alien, not our concern.

 

Both of them put their guns down and go back to what they were doing.

 

GUARD 2

Cute little fish though.

 

GUARD 1

Damn straight.

 

EXT. CIA ATRIUM " NIGHT " MOMENTS LATER

 

In the CIA, the family, Clause, Roger are looking around the corner to their last obstacle, a security checkpoint at the other site of the large atrium. All concrete with a few plants on the ground and hanging from planters. Two large concrete beams hang above them and run the length from where they were to the security booth.

 

CLAUSE

How we gonna do this one?

 

STAN

I got it!

(To Steve)

Steve, you scoot across that beam to distract the guards.

 

STEVE

But dad, they’ll see me.

 

STAN

No, Steve. You wearing all black. All they’ll be able to see is clauses bowl with your fish tail.

 

STEVE

Dad, that’s brilliant!

 

Once again from within the security gate, we see the two guards, TERRY (black) and Morgan (white). They are facing out, Terry is reading and Morgan is childishly playing a game on his phone. Above them on the beam, we see clauses fish bowl with his fin sticking straight down and flapping, it seams to be scooting itself along the beam. The two guards jump up with there weapons.

 

MORGAN

Possible security breach, let’s go.

 

Terry stops Morgan with a hand on his shoulder.

 

TERRY

Wait! It’s just a cute little fish.

 

Through the window behind the guards, the family sneaks past on the other beam, Roger is still behind them with Kanye’s body in tow. The top half of Kanye’s body slips off the beam, Roger struggles a bit but then gets him back on the beam and on their way.

 

MORGAN

But what’s a fish doing out here? Shouldn’t we go check it out?

 

Terry taps his gun against the sign on the wall that reads “Your concern is with HUMANS and ALIENS only!

 

TERRY

Not a human or an alien, not our concern.

 

The both of them put their guns down and go back to what they were doing.

 

 

MORGAN

Cute little fish though.

 

TERRY

Damn straight.

 

INT. CIA " BODY SWITCHING ROOM " MOMENTS LATER

 

Inside the body switching room, the family enters cautiously until they are next to the large magnificent, alien looking machine that towers above them.

 

FRANCINE

Stan, this thing is huge.

 

HAILEY

And complicated

 

STEVE

Yeah dad, are you sure you know how to use this?

 

STAN

It’s harder to switch with someone, but to switch back you just have to stand in the pods and it sorts out the DNA and puts us back together.

 

Just then, Kanye wakes up, the family turns to face hm.

 

STAN

Kanye! You’re alive!

 

KANYE

No thanks to you.

(Beat)

Rude. Knock’n me out when I walk in your house and then drag me around in the dirt and on the concrete.

(Then)

Is that how you treat all black men in your neighborhood?

 

Everyone glances awkwardly around the room, not making eye contact with Kanye.

 

FRANCINE

Oh, uh… Kanye you’re alive. Yay!

 

KANYE

Save it Francine.

 

STAN

Hey, don’t you talk to my wife that…

(Then)

Hey wait, how did you know we dragged you through the dirt?

 

KANYE

I woke up when we got to the security gate outside.

 

STAN

But why?

 

KANYE

You dummies still don’t get it do you?

(Beat)

I set this whole thing up.

 

STAN

(Gasps)

Kanye!

(Beat)

Wait, you set what up?

 

FRANCINE

Uh, you’re gonna have to be a little more specific than that.

 

STEVE

Yeah, a lot’s happened since this morning.

 

KANYE

All of this. You, the switched bodies, being here at the CIA. I just can’t believe you fell for it.

 

HAILEY

What? How could you have done this.

 

KAYNE

I broke into your house and sabotaged the Roger’s body switching gun.

 

Everyone gasps.

 

ROGER

But that means… you know I’m an alien?

 

KANYE

What’d you think this is all about?

 

Roger steps into Stan, he wraps his arms around Stan’s waist.

 

ROGER

I’m scared, Stan.

 

STAN

(Confused)

Kanye, why’d you do this to us?

 

KANYE

Stan, I’ve been stuck on this plannet for over sixty years. I hate it here. I’ve been trying to leave ever since but it wasn’t until now that I found out you had an alien living with you. Now I have a chance to get off this stupid blueberry.

 

FRANCINE

Oh, god. You’re not going to tell the CIA are you? Cause they’ll kill Roger.

 

KANYE

What? No, if I tell them, they’ll kill me too.

 

 

STAN

But Kanye, that would mean you’re an… an…

 

ROGER

An alien.

 

KANYE

Dam straight!

(Beat)

And now I’m gonna kill you guys and take Roger’s space ship.

 

Kanye’s body begins to change, growing larger, his skin tears open and his true self emerges. A large green and purple humanoid with long tentacles and four large eyes, two in the front and two one on either side of his head. Everyone gasps at the sight.

 

HAILEY/SETVE

Ugh, he’s hideous./Ewe, gross.

 

KANYE

Tha… that’s funny coming from two of the five ugliest people on earth.

 

FRANCINE

Who’s the other three?

 

KANYE

What?

 

FRANCINE

You said two of the five. Who are the other three.

 

STAN

(Rubbibg his eyes)

Ugh, don’t Francine. Not right.

 

KANYE

Oh, my God. I can’t take anymore of this, I’m killing you first.

 

STAN

Not if I can help it.

 

Stan pulls up one of Roger’s guns and takes aim.

 

STAN

Say your prayers alien boy!

 

Stan pulls the trigger and a stream of thick, creamy peanut butter comes shooting out, covering Kanye.

 

KANYE

Ewe… what?

 

 

 

STAN

(To Roger)

Roger? What the hell.

 

ROGER

Stan, that’s my peanut butter gun. I tell you to arm yourself and you pick a sandwich fix’n?

 

STAN

What? I didn’t know.

 

KANYE

Ugh, enough of this.

 

Kanye runs after them. Everyone scatters except for Steve, Kanye goes after him first.

 

STEVE

Ahh, what’d I do?

 

ROGER

That’s the grappling hook gun.

 

Steve takes aim and shoots at a group of pipes near the wall, the hook wraps around a pipe and activates a switch and pulls himself away from Kanye.

 

Kanye turns his focus to Francine and runs, Francine screams.

 

FRANCINE

(Frantic)

I can’t do this.

(Calm)

Wait, if Steve can do this then so can I.

 

Francine takes aim and pulls the trigger just as Kanye is on top of her. A huge gust of wind shoots out, blowing Kanye, it fluffs his hair and tentacles. He stops in his tracks and shakes his head.

 

ROGER

Franny, that’s my wind gun. RUN!

 

Francine freezes and lets the gun drop to the floor.

 

HALEY (OS)

Get away from my mom!

 

Kanye turns to find Haley pointing a large barrel gun at him. She pulls the trigger but nothing happens except for a light pink fairy dust floats up from the tip of the barrel.

 

HALEY

What the hell?

 

KANYE

Is this a joke. You brought a bunch of guns that don’t shoot bullets?

(To Stan)

How they ever let you into the CIA I’ll never understand.

 

Kanye slowly steps toward Haley, his tentacles raised and waving menacingly. All of a sudden, Kanye’s tentacles drop to his side, he stumbles, he drops to the floor, he’s unconscious.

 

Everyone joins Francine and Haley.

 

STAN

Roger, what was that?

 

 

 

ROGER

That’s my fairy dust gun. It puts you to sleep.

 

STEVE

Roger, do none of your guns shoot bullets?

 

ROGER

What? No! There’s no violence on my planet. Just celebrations.

(Beat)

That’s why I never leave the house without this.

 

Roger reaches behind him and pulls a large gun out of his pouch.

 

FRANCINE

What’s that?

 

ROGER

It’s my confetti gun.

 

Roger points the gun in the air and shoots over and over as he runs around Kanye’s body, confetti falls around them.

 

STAN

Come on everybody, get in the machine. I need my old body back. Roger, you’re going to hae to push the button.

 

Everyone takes their place in one of the pods on the machine.

 

STAN

Okay, Roger, push the button.

 

Roger presses a green button, the machine whirs as it spools up, lights flash all sorts of colors and the whole room begins to shake, fog flows from the machine, covering the family in the pods. Roger takes a step back. The machine spools down and the light dim. Everything is quiet.

 

ROGER

Stan? Franny? Did it work?

 

Stan emerges from the fog, he’s feeling his whole body, checking if everything was properly switched. The rest of them emerge from the fog. They all jump for joy and celebrate. Steve takes a moment, he looks down his pants, he sighs.

 

STEVE

Oh, thank god.

 

Just then the security lights come on, sirens blast. The family freaks out, they run to a large door with a glass viewing window marked “Freezer”.

 

 

STAN

Quick, in the freezer. They’ll never look for us there.

 

They all run to the door, it’s locked, Stan struggles with the handle, Haley stands still, she is staring through the viewing window.

 

STAN

This is it, we’re all going to die.

 

ROGER

I just turned 1600. I’m too young to die.

 

A large growl comes from behind them, it’s Kanye. He’s  awake,pissed off and walking toward them. The family screams. He’s almost to them, the main door to the room flies open with an explosion and flash of light. A team of men rush through the door armed with assault riffles and combat gear and helmets. One of the men in a helmet yells, it’s Bullock.

 

BULLCOK

It’s an alien, men. Fire.

 

All of the men open fire, Kanye drops to the floor, lifeless. Bullock walks over to the Smiths, he removes his helmet.

 

 

BULLOCK

Stan, what are you doing here?

 

STAN

Kanye took us hostage, Sir. Said he wanted me to use my security clearance to get to a ship he thought we had here.

 

BULLOCK

Well, it’s a good thing you kept him busy till we arrived.

 

EXT. CIA " NIGHT " MOMENTS LATER

 

Bullock and the family emerge from the main entrance of the building.

 

BULLOCK

And remember, Smiths. You didn’t see anything.

 

STAN

Yes, Sir. Don’t worry, we know the protocols.

 

Bullock walks back inside, leaving the smiths alone. They begin to walk away.

 

ROGER

So how do ya think he found out about me?

 

The camera pulls back slowly to an aerial view.

 

STAN

I don’t know roger. But we don’t need to worry about it any more. He’s dead now.

 

ROGER

Maybe it was all the fan letters I wrote to him telling him that I was an alien.

 

 

 

STAN/FRANCINE/HALEY/CLAUSE/STEVE

(Yealling)

Roger!

 

ROGER

What? Have you seen the man? He’s gorgeous. He’s like an ebony God, carved from finest chocolate this earth has to offer.

 

STAN

Did you really write him those letter?

 

ROGER

No. I just wanted to think of Kanye naked one last time.

 

EVERYONE

(Sighs)

Yeaaaaahhhhh.

 

FRANCINE

Ya think we’ll ever find out how Kanye knew about Roger?

 

FADE IN: INT. BODY SWITCHING ROOM " SAME MOMENT

 

The camera floats through the room starting at main door to the room. Four of the armed men are dragging Kanye’s body out the main door. The camera passes them, over the body switching machine, to the freezer room. It moves forward through the viewing window and ends on Jeff. He’s suspended in a large glass tub, a breathing apparatus in his mouth.

 

END OF SHOW

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

This is a fun episode I wrote of American Dad. I'm not up on all script formatting so I hope it's okay.