Hollow

A Story by Blesshyew

Anna Forbes was just a nobody, to those who it didn't concern. Anna, although she stuck out like a sore thumb, strangely went unnoticed to the student eye... Until she's actually gone.

If you are reading this letter then that means I am gone- that I have already taken my life. And if you knew me, I am sorry. I apologize for my selfishness and I am deeply sorry for the trouble that I am causing. That was never my intention. However, all my life I have felt different. I have felt pointless- just watching everything and never experiencing it. That’s no one’s fault but mine, it’s not even mine intentionally, anyway. My hollowness has only gotten worse through my years of high school.

But just because I felt empty, it doesn't mean I never loved.

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn't one to break down and cry whilst watching Titanic or The Note Book, but towards the past few months of my life, I started to feel full. I started to feel not-so-empty anymore, and it made me happier. It made me happier to love and to feel loved by someone outside my family.

It felt good to be loved.

The world I grew up in was full of pain and selfishness. I was stuck in a tug of war between my parents. They didn't do it on purpose, but sometimes it felt like they didn't truly know I was there. I mean, they were always fighting over me, sure- but I was never there to them. So much money spent on court cases because my parents couldn't learn to share and to be civil- they were greedy.

When I was ready to give up- like I have done now- Danny came along. He came along with his perfectly jelled hair and his sparkling blue eyes that held so much promise, so much kindness. Normally when people tried sparking up a conversation with me, it doesn't last because I don’t exactly ooze kindness, I suppose. But Danny was persistent, and first of all, I questioned his sudden interest in me. Anyway, as time went on, I dropped it- succumbing to my feelings. The more time we spent together either studying or just lying there, I fell harder. It scared me, obviously.

Telling Danny was a decision I couldn't make overnight. I waited and waited until one day, he told me. That was when I truly appreciated everything in my life. I was finally normal.

Those exact words circled my thoughts up until the weekend after when I entered the school hall and discovered it was a joke, a bet.

I was a bet.

Nothing more. Just a bet. A game.

I had never felt more humiliated. I regretted falling for Danny and his kind smile, which was a fake. I regretted becoming somewhat normal. Because when I was hollow, I was hollow- and nothing more. I didn’t feel the regret, the hurt…the pain.

So as I write this letter, I need to admit something…

I am confused. I’m confused because I am crying. And to cry, you must feel, right? So what I don’t get is why one person makes me feel more in a few months, than I have felt my entire life. I guess that’s just how powerful love is, as corny as it sounds.

If you’re still reading this, I need you to know- although I have told you why I feel this way, it is not Danny’s fault. Or my parents or my school peers. It’s mine. And it’s a fault that I can’t fix. You see, the days following my heartbreak, all I thought was why the hell didn't I just kill myself? If I had done, I wouldn't be here now.

I have come to the decision that I cannot live in this world any longer. I cannot live in a world full of pain, regret and sadness. It’s not how I want to live.

Even though I am hollow, I still remember.

Love,

Anna.