Chapter One

A Chapter by Chevvy

I felt something break inside of me, and as I watched him walk away with another, I knew that all I had left were empty dreams. Slash.

Chapter One

Shane never believed in corny quotes or love stories. He hated romantic movies and novels, as he would rather salvage himself playing basketball with his brother than to sit in front of the TV screen watching characters make a fool of themselves. And that’s saying something, playing ball with his brother also meant playing with suicide. He pushes, trips, shoves, nudges…practically anything to make Shane drop to his a*s.

He was never fond of love songs, too. That was the one of the reasons why his Ipod merely consisted of hard metallica and screamo with crap lyrics and pointless autotunes. Though some of the songs implied the singer’s ‘love’ for someone or for something, he either never understood its real meaning or they were being ignored or skipped on his Ipod.

It was true, Shane hated everything related to the word ‘love’. Love stories made him sick, because it was so fake and cliché and always had this ‘happily ever after’ theme. Most of it was unrealistic and so at cue, it made him roll his eyes in disgust.

Shane would never admit it, but he hated those things because they always reminded him of something. Of someone, to be more accurate. It made him realize how a loser he really was, and that there would be no chance in hell that even one of those love stories would magically happen to him.

It reminded him that he was just a no one. An undesirable guy.

And what makes it even harder for him is seeing the guy he loved and yearned for so many years, love someone else.

It's hard being in love with your best friend.

It burned him, the pain he felt everytime he sees him with another stranger he never met. It made it hard for him to breathe. It made him want to run, to f*****g look away, but hell, all he could do was to stare. To watch his one and only friend get carried off by some random w***e who doesn’t even deserve half of him.

It wasn’t fair. Life was unfair. That stupid girl was unfair. Shane would do anything to trade places with her--he would jump off a bridge in a second if it meant he would have Reith to himself. He could kill, even. He was that desperate. But God. Why…why her?

Vera Epona Praise.

Even her name screamed royalty.

She strutted down the hall like a princess. A stupid, beautiful princess. He hated her. Shane had no reason to feel the hated he had for her, as Vera never did anything to him, never even talked to him. He had no right--but what the hell. He f*****g did. He hated her long wavy hair, her bright eyes, her perfectly white smile, her flawless face. He hated her amazingly bodacious female body, and the fact she had Reith hanging on her instead of all the other thousands of girls, and boys, that liked him in school.

Shane wanted to desperately be her--begging more than anything to look like her, to encompass every inch of her personality and make it his own, and then, maybe--maybe Reith would recompense the feelings he had for her. Because f**k, Reith loved the dark-haired beauty.

But in Shane’s unfortunate case, he had nothing in the first place. He could never be with Reith--he knew--but he still kept hoping. He continued, he still loved him.

This was what Shane’s thoughts consisted of most of the time--being with the guy he loved, who he knew was out of his league. He thought it was a petty crush at first--Reith was hot, everyone would agree he was ‘hella gorgeous’ and ‘so damn fuckable’. He was kind and funny and lovable and caring…Shane had thought he legitimately cared for him as more than a…a friend. For a while. Until the realization stuck in. Reith contained most of Shane’s masturbatory fantasies, and as shameful and embarrassing as it seemed, he just couldn’t help it. Yes, it was weird and improper for him to imagine Reith panting above him, kissing him, caressing his cheek, mumbling a sinful ‘I love you’, licking him, tasting him…

Oh God. Shane had it bad, it was almost unhealthy.

Scratch that. It really was unhealthy. He hadn’t been able to sleep properly for a couple of months now. He felt guilty and dirty everytime he cried out Reith’s name at the peak of momentary pleasure. He felt…disgusting. He succumbed to his temptation…and for what? For his own advantage? His own pleasure that lasted for only a few moments?

Imagine how weird it was facing Reith the next morning. He couldn’t even look at him straight in the eye.

This was all because of Shane’s dad. If his father never agreed to let Reith live under the same roof as them in the first place, then he wouldn’t have to go through all of this. He would have been…Shane. Normal Shane. Loner Shane. Not the overly-horny-Shane he was now. Especially when Reith was around.

It was embarrassing, getting a boner when Reith would do something he thought was at the least sexual--even Reith licking his lips made him humiliatingly aroused. Or when Reith was hugging him, merely for comfort purposes. When he puts his arms around his shoulder. Or when, God forbid, Shane would sneak into his room and tap his shoulder, asking Reith permission to sleep beside him. Reith always agreed--he would hug Shane close to his chest, mumble a soft goodnight, and falling once again into an unconscious state. And Shane would--he couldn’t help it!--imagine that Reith was sleeping next to him because…because…

And the next thing Shane knew, he was getting painfully aroused. It feared him--what if Reith… felt it? God, how could he continue living a decent life after that? How could he even talk to Reith without getting all flushed and awkward?

But to Reith, Shane was only a friend. A tutor. Nothing more, nothing less.

And that was the reason of all the tears that were wasted every night as he thought of what he really was to the person he craved for.

It hurts, knowing that the person you fell hopelessly in love with was never, ever going to consider having a relationship with you, mostly because he only viewed you as…as a…

A friend. Maybe a best friend.

Hah. Like that made a difference.

But couldn't we be… friends with benefits? I-I wouldn't mind. He can take advantage of me. He can use me, or my body if he wants it. He can…he can even have other relationships behind my back...just make me a part of his life. Make me someone he would love.

Please.

Can he at least…kiss me? Peck me on the lips? Say he loves me as more than a friend?

All those answers were a simple, no.

And he knew it. But still, he waited. Waited until he had the courage to tell him. To admit his pitiful feelings to him.

I don’t want this. God, I f*****g hate myself for feeling this way.

Shane was a freak--according to the people around him. And he believed them. He changed his hair color too many times, he had multiple piercing, he had abnormally straight hair. He was sickly and thin and pale. He was short. He was fragile. He was too emotional for his own good--he cried at almost everything and anything. He was too…gay.

Too gay. What the f**k. What does that even mean?

But those unimportant strangers who often gave him a judgmental look, a disapproving shake of the head, a disgusted frown, and a roll of an eye--they knew nothing.

No one knew who Shane Keathley was. And yet, people kept hanging on the rumors that had been passed from one ear to another, rumors that had been edited and constantly ripped into pieces to form an image that further ruined his persona.

But even though Shane hated the scandals that were thrown upon him, he never corrected them. He never joined in gossip, too. He never entertained their questions, never confirmed anything, letting their imagination run wild.

He doesn't care anymore. He was tired. So f*****g tired of explaining this and that, defending himself, and reasoning out his thoughts. No one believed him, so why should he even bother?

And no one would ever know of the truth. Not his parents, not his sister, not even Reith. Shane made sure of it.

I promised. I promised him…I won’t tell anyone.

It was around the end of lunch when he saw Reith with someone, with her arm wrapped around his waist and a smirk of pure sass thrown back over her shoulder, almost as if daring anyone to take him from her. They walked together, a satisfied smile gracing Reith’s soft lips as he escorted her to her next class, hands intertwined together.

An all-too-familiar twinge twisted his stomach.

Shane was frozen in the middle of the students chatting, laughing and passing by him. He was just standing there amidst the loud, obnoxious voices of the people around him. There could have been hundreds of students rushing by, but he saw nothing. Nothing but Reith…and Vera.

He was kissing her.

S**t. F**k f**k f**k. Look away, Shane. Damn it…just look away!

He couldn’t even if he tried.

He bit his lip, begging his tears not to fall. Not in here. Not again. His name was already ruined--That p***y who always cried. That pathetic, ugly little emo kid. That f****t. That suicidal kid.

…Reith’s tutor. Reith’s best friend. Reith’s neighbor.

I’m not going to cry. He told himself firmly, yet he knew he would fail once he turned around and entered a lone room. But he could hold the tears for awhile. He was glad he had that control over that one thing.

He could ignore the pain, too. He could ignore the painful beating of his heart, the sudden dizziness, the feeling of…uselessness. Every time he saw them together, he ultimately belies the simple truth: That he felt small and insignificant.

They finally pulled away from each other, and Shane breathed out a sigh that almost sounded like a sob of relief. Before the girl left, though, she gave Reith one last hug and whispered something into his ear, which made Reith’s cheeks turn into a light shade of pink. No one could have noticed it, but Shane was too obsessed that he knew everything about him; his quirks and mannerisms, his facial expressions, the way he pouts or frowns or even sneezes.

Like a creepy stalker.

But yeah. He really was a stalker--he admitted it to himself a long time ago.

The girl--he never used ‘Vera’, he hated the name just like everything else about her--entered her classroom and the wooden door closed automatically. Reith glanced around--there were quite a few people watching them make out like it was the end of the world or something--and caught Shane’s stare.

Shane’s heart skipped a beat. Look away look away look--

Reith smiled at him. He felt his knees weaken.

The aforementioned friend gave Shane a wave and jogged to him, dogging a few of the students because damn, it was crowded. When he reached Shane, he immediately silenced him with a, “Thanks for waiting up. You’re free next period, right?”

Shane was about to speak up but he noticed that his throat felt dry, so he just nodded his confirmation.

Reith grinned. “Good. You have to help me with Chemistry. I f*****g hate it. I got a 78% last quarter. It’s a miracle I even passed on the card.”

Ah Chemistry. Shane hated the subject too, but he studied for Reith’s sake--Reith needed his help, and he was more than happy to teach him.

“I-I’ll help you. Don’t worry.” Shane mumbled, barely looking at Reith. “Library?”

“Yeah, yeah, anywhere’s good.”

Shane loved the library. It was the only place at school that made him feel a little less insecure about himself. And the books…he loved books. He loved reading. He loved writing. It was his escape sometimes, when things seemed to go wrong all of a sudden. He used writing for relaxation. Writing was a way for him to get his messed up life back on track. He wrote because…it was the only way he and Reith could actually be together the way he wanted it to.

He hated the way Reith affected him so much. Every word that comes out of his mouth--whether intentionally or not--added a fresh cut to his already battered heart.

“I think she might be the one, Shane.”

His heart dropped.

Ouch.

The look on Reith’s face…it was like he was sure of it. Happiness, with a tinge of fear, expecting the future.

She…she’s the one? No. No no no no. Oh God. Give me a chance to…to tell him that…that…

Reith was waiting for something. He was waiting for Shane to speak up. Shane knew exactly what he wanted, he expected the support of his best friend. Maybe a tap on the back? Or a congratulatory treat?

If Shane had the chance, if he wasn't such a coward, he would have said, “She’s not the one. I’m still here. I’m the one who’s in love with you. I'll do anything for you. I-I’m the one who cares…”

Shane forced a smile.

The demon, the too-familiar one who sat in his heart almost everyday, nearly caused Shane’s half-hearted smile to break as he said, with a barely audible voice, “I’m really happy for you.”

Another lie to add to the ever-growing list of ‘a-pretentious-best friend’.

Reith smiled and nodded proudly, not noticing Shane’s broken statement, blinded by the happiness that ate Shane alive. “Thanks man. She’s perfect, isn’t she?”

She’s too perfect.

I hate her.

Shane made an affirmative noise and went to reach for the Chemistry binder Reith brought with him, ignoring the way his chest pounded so hard. “What don’t you get here?”

I can’t listen to this anymore.

“Uh…” Reith frowned a bit at the sudden change of Shane’s voice. It sounded so broken and hurt and just…different.

But Reith dismissed the idea and focused on the subject at hand. “Well…the…I don’t know what it’s called. The last lesson we took up.”

“Uhm…Molecular orbital theory?”

“Molecu…?” Reith shook his head. “Yeah. I think that’s it. Tell me how it is?”

Shane spent about twenty minutes tutoring Reith. And for that moment alone, Shane felt insanely happy.

But he knew he was going to cry once he gets home. He just hopes his parents weren’t around to see him looking like a total mess.

---

© 2012 Chevvy

Author's Note

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Ebony Kinght

this is good ... some bit are funny that i could not stop smiling :) and do you know what.. i never read things like this makes me want to read things like this now :P koolios