Animal Instincts

Please critic :))) I know my comma placement is bad. I tried to use them for when I wanted the reader to pause. I know this is used in poems, but it feels wrong to me to do so still.

In the summer, she came to me.

Amidst the sun and the breeze,

Along the mountains and red cherry trees,

Past the tourists and the ocean that made  everyone feel free.

I sit, watching the sun, hating everyone

Too bright and too windy

I ignore children and parents alike.

Through a humanless woods, I make my way.

Birds are my radio.

Squirrels my entertainment.

Even the bugs, are friendly here.

Down a trail, only known by me, I walk three miles.

Thickened thorns and overgrown vines, invite me in and deeper I go.

The lower the sun, the less it feels like home.

I pause waiting to hear the birds or see the squirrels.

Only the low growl of an animal can be heard.

The sight of teeth and strikingly dark eyes, unsettle me.

Two breaths more, I back away.

Another and I know I'll be dead.

Growling, it moves closer.

I catch only a glimpse of her stomach still sagging from the weight of milk.

With newfound affection, I slowly crouch down.

My hands inviting and open.

She sniffs the air and moves a step closer.

I fear for my life, but I reach out my hand.

Her fur is warm under my hand.

Cautiously, my hand reaches further.

Brushing off leaves and mud, she lets me pet her.

Entranced by this unlikely friendship, I move in closer and sleep by her side.

In the morning, I do not wake, I do not breath.

Her children have come.

And eaten me.

Author's Note

Please critic :))) I know my comma placement is bad. I tried to use them for when I wanted the reader to pause. I know this is used in poems, but it feels wrong to me to do so still.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

There are so many things I love here. First, your handle on this website is quite creative! We are all created unfinished, but you never see that sentiment expressed much, so it's very original. Secondly, I have to say I don't use much punctuation in poetry. I like to leave it to the reader to find their own pacing. It sounds like you are of the same mind, so feel free to follow your natural inclinations, rather than following rules. That's how poetry should be.

Now, to the content. This is a superb story in a poem. I love the way the forest is described, using both upbeat & dismal feelings, I like it when everything isn't perfect, just like life. I love the suspense & pacing of your tale, which works perfectly to compel the reader into your ending twist . . . & this is also unexpected & well done. It's rare to come upon an ending twist that's so unexpected & perfectly crafted.

[Nebula]

A beautiful description of the environment
The last two lines are great
I liked this poem