Hide and Seek Lunatic

True story about how local officials can get out of hand.

Hide and Seek Lunatic

Written by T. L. O’Neal

 

    A few years back, we lived in a house out in the middle of a large field. It was really out there too…a 1/2 mile off the road to be exact. We loved being out there, because it was a peaceful place and the kids and dogs had plenty of room to run around and play. The best part of it was that there wasn’t any traffic and all we had was a small dirt path. We also had on these 260 odd acres were four nice pristine ponds at our disposal. We didn’t own the land or the house for that matter, but the landlord gave us full use of it because I kept a look on things for him. I would have to run off the occasional trespasser every now and then but for the most part it was quiet and serene.

 

     It was in the wintertime and one day in particular, there was a big commotion out towards the road. There were all these cop cars, mobile unit, newspaper people, fire trucks and hell they even had a highway patrol helicopter too. Now this really aroused my interest, not so much for the cars but because of the helicopter out there. You just don’t see those things everyday you know, especially that close to the house with all the other things thrown in to boot. I had seen something similar years ago close to my Mama’s house, when they used one of those helicopters to chase down some crack-head burglar. Then they caught him when he got all hemmed up in the briars at the swamp and couldn’t get loose, but of course that’s a different story. One thing was for sure; it was more than likely a manhunt.

 

     I told the kids to go inside and that I would go and see what was going on. I was right curious to see what it was all about myself, and I was trying to imagine what it could be, but I was baffled. So I walked up the path to where all the cop cars, mobile unit, newspaper people, fire trucks and helicopter were. Then I went up to this overweight, balding deputy who seemed to have a bit of an air of importance to him. I figured this out by the way he had his nose up in the air, one hand on his gun and the other one holding up his pants.

 

“Excuse me sir, what’s going on here?” I asked him.

 

He replied, “It’s a manhunt, plain and simple. Some escaped lunatic from the rest home took off; he’s a schizophrenic and hadn’t been taking his meds. He’s dangerous as hell too, so I suggest that you and your family stay in your house and let us handle this.”

 

   With that he rubbed his nose and pulled up his pants up under his ample belly, my hero I thought, geez. After that I went back to the house, being confident and sure that my family’s and my safety was well in hand.

 

     They went to dragging the ponds with boats and they even had a scuba diver or two ready to go at their beck and call too. They also had a search crew that came across the newly plowed field almost shoulder to shoulder, I’ve never seen so many damn firemen and cops and all in my whole life. There had to be at least fifty or more of them. Why they needed so many to cross a flat plowed field is beyond me. Hell you could look the whole field over from one spot to the next and see a rabbit jump, much less a man, give me a break. It was all a big production to be sure and it looked like one of those TV dramas, but it wasn’t really anything in my book.

 

      After they went through the field, a couple of them came to the door and asked if I had an escaped lunatic in the house.

 

I said, “ I don’t think so but I can check if you like.”

 

   Well they were all for this, I knew that the only lunatic in the house was me unless those two goobers came in… then there would be three I thought. So we checked the house to appease them and then they wanted to know if anyone lived in those houses down the path.

 

I said, “Migrants usually do, but it was winter and they were all gone.”

 

One of them asked in a trembling voice, “Do you mind going down there and checking to see if there’s anyone in there?”

 

I didn’t particularly care for where this thing was going and I thought that it was their job to do that anyway, so I said,

 

“Ya’ll can go down there and check if you want, it’s no problem.”

 

With a quick comeback from them, “We rather you do it.”

 

Well hell it figures…damn it. “OK then, let’s go and get it over with.” I said.

 

   As we drove down there, all was quiet, them boys seemed a bit nervous I tell ya.  When we got there we all got out and I walked to the house all by my lonesome while they stayed damn close to the truck. I didn’t feel as though my back was very secure, if you know what I mean.

 

   As I went into the house…alone, the officers stood back in what I thought was a more than a reasonable distance. You would think standing on the porch or at the steps would have been fine, not 50 or so feet away. I guess they just wanted some running room in case that crazed lunatic was going to get me and then come after them too. Hell, they had the guns and I didn’t have s**t. It was like I was in an episode of “The Andy Griffith Show” and I was Andy and those two were Barney and Gomer hiding in the back. They didn’t exactly put the most confidence in me about the county’s finest; of course they never did… really. This just galvanized it that much more for me now. So I went in… alone, and searched the rooms one by one, looking under the beds and checking the closets and everything else. I have to admit, it did cross my mind to let out a yell or scream bloody murder just to get a rise out of them boys and see what in the hell they would of really done. Of course it’s a rhetorical question, they would have run for their lives I’m sure. Every now and then they would holler to me,

 

“See anything yet, are you ok?”

 

I would say, ”No, nothing yet and yea, I’m ok.”

 

Damn I should be getting paid for this s**t; it’s pure ridiculous.

 

    Well, after that I went on to the next house and pretty much did the same damn thing. Searching this room and that one without any of their help… well they were rooting me on, I guess that counts for something but I wouldn’t call that much help. Anyway, I didn’t find anything in there either so we drove all over the whole farm looking this guy. I showed them all of the ponds and the woods; just about anywhere anyone could possibly hide, even an escaped lunatic. With all that said and done they took me on back to my house and dropped me off. They said something about thanks…and some patriotic duty for helping them or something or other. I don’t really know what a lunatic and the American flag have to do with each other… it’s just beyond me I reckon. They searched the rest of the day and then all into the night with stadium lights and everything else they had in their nighttime arsenal. They had those fields lit up like Wrigley Field and they had already been over them with a fine toothcomb. What did they expect to find, for him to pop up out of the dirt from a rabbit hole?

 

    By morning everyone was gone, and everything was back to normal too. They did finally find their man, but it wasn’t on our farm, they found him some 20 miles away in a truck stop restaurant on the interstate… eating supper. I guess he caught a ride as soon as he left the rest home; it was right on the road you know. He probably stuck his thumb out and caught a ride on the first car that went by, and the driver was no wiser about it either. It’s really funny in a way, all that trouble and expense for the want of a good meal. With all the money that the county spent looking this guy, it would have been a lot cheaper to just take all those people from the rest home on a fieldtrip just to go to eat somewhere else for a change. You can’t really blame the man for wanting something besides institutional food every now and then for a change. They’ll just have to start cooking a little better there from now on so that they don’t lose anyone else for want of a decent meal.

 

Reviews

[James]

I find it quite funny how the local officials act in such a dilemma.. In the town that i am located if someone gets pulled over for a busted taillight there is usually three to four cops waiting for the nothingness to take effect. its a waste of time and money.. but at least there isn't big crimes where necessary police involvement would be required.. thank you once again for allowing me to read this.. i found it quite entertaining.

[Ron Cole]

Ha, TL! This was enjoyable reading and funnier'n hell! People wouldn't believe some of the things that happen out in the Country! I can just picture that Deputy Sheriff!!

[Jesse Lynn]

so could this place be called a funny farm then?

[Valerie Jones]

I kept looking for this character of the title, which kept me reading all the way. Good click to engange the readers. :) Certainly humorous, I enjoyed it a lot. Well done!

[Emily Robinson]

Great storytelling. It was probably scary to you then, but funny to look back at now. I am glad your family didn't get harmed!

[E]

...They also had a search crew that came across the newly plowed field almost shoulder to shoulder, I never seen so many damn firemen and cops and all in my whole life. Why they needed so many to cross a flat plowed field is beyond me. Hell you could look the whole field over from one spot and see a rabbit, much less a man.

i could not stop laughing when i read that. a friend of mine round here had the same sort of thing happen, and every law inforcment official in the county was there. toss in a few firemen, EMT's, and even an animal control manager, and they were driving themselves crazy looking for this escaped prisoner.

this is great - it lets me read about things i know, and i can laugh at this. that's the greatest thing about reading and listening to stories from people in your own neck of the woods - even if we don't all have the same kinds of stories, we sure as hell almost all have the same reactions ;)

[Mishel Rosario Reyes]

gosh, 20 miles away in a dinner, perty funny, great story Terry

[Dan Giacobbe]

Proof that sometimes truth is just as funny as fiction. Escaped lunatics, big fat cops, patriotic duty references; this all could have sprung from any good humorists imagination. And in the end it was just an old man who wanted a meal out. Hell, eating on a college campus all the time sometimes makes me want to make a break for freedom or a nice diner.
There may have been a very very nice little subtle jab at Americanism in the line: "I don�t know what a lunatic and the American flag have to do with each other�it�s beyond me." But it made me chuckle. Very well done indeed.

[Krystal Waters]

This was very good. I read all the way through hoping to see where the lunatic was. Not until the last paragraph, kept the suspense going. It was a funny question at the end too. I would want to get out myself if I were there. Ugggg... no freedom and you are at their whim... good job, really.

[David P. Eckert]

I found that your story flowed smoothly and the plot was solid. It gives you the opportunity to flesh out the story a little more if you want, whether by adding more imagery or more about the actual escaped patient and his capture. I wasn't sure who the real lunatic was, whether the narrator, the police officers or the escaped patient, and wished I knew a little more about the escapee, even though he was not the real focus of your vignette.