OCD

Completely lost in your own head.

I'm a empty shell of what could of been a person. I frequently think of death. Sometimes I feel nothing at all, often there is extreme anxiety, and lately utter lonliness. I dislike me. Most days I cannot think properly and am almost always experiencing some sort of confusion. I hate my thoughts. I find myself screaming in my head "SHUT THE F**K UP!" but the thoughts continue. It is truly bizzare when you begin to forget who you are or how you used to think. When you begin to question things you always had confidence in. When you no longer know what you even want...

It is sad when you have a moment of clarity and you realize you have gotten used to being alone. When you question your desire for a companion. When you realize you have never had a genuine connection with another person. That possibly there will never be someone who cares for you or even knows WHO you really are. That maybe there is a reason your alone, that possibly your not a loveable person. That maybe you lack personality or are just not good enough. Perhaps you are not worth the time it would take for you to get comfortable with another person. The thoughts go on and on circling your mind filling you with complete hatred of yourself. You feel shame, guilt, and anger. You are often completely terrified and not even quite sure why, I am scared of my thoughts even when I can not make out what I am thinking.

There is a fog in my head. It took away my dreams. Showed me you can get more lost in your head than I ever imagined possible. There is alot of hate in me. It is really difficult when your own mind is against you. When you have no idea which thoughts are words and which thoughts are real, when you're so confused and feel absolutety insane and the only thought in the world that gives meaning to life is that possibly one day you meet someone who has some understanding of you and can actually talk to. To experience love, to experience meaning. I don't want to think anymore. It is a somewhat peaceful thought to drift away into nothingness and to never have to think again. To die and to never have another unwanted haunting thought again...