Unrequited

Honestly, this is just an outlet for my feelings towards this guy I have liked for three years.

For the three years I've been in love with him, I took notice of his own little idiosyncrasies. It was almost as if he wouldn't be him if he didn't twirl his pencil around in his hand when stumped by a particular math problem or if he didn't play with his necklace when he felt awkward in a social situation. I wonder if I'm the only person who pays attention to these details.

For the three years I've been in love with him, I've watched as his circle of female friends grew larger and larger. He was, after all, a complete Renaissance man and despite his slightly awkward nature, everyone seemed to flock to him. I never understood how people could casually ruffle his hair when here I was with my heart doing somersaults and butterflies flying in my stomach when he was even talking to me. I wonder how many people know about the social anxiety he confided in me about. I wonder how many people actually know him well.

For the three years I've been in love with him, I made countless excuses to strike up conversations. Sometimes we would talk about music we both liked or television shows we both watched. From there, I would occasionally ask him questions that caused him to think. I would ask him questions that would let me into his world and show me who he was. I would ask him questions just to continue the conversation. We were both night owls and nothing would make me happier when we somehow talked all through the night, until 6 in the morning when it was time for school. I wonder if he knew that behind the computer screen was a girl whose heart was doing cartwheels the entire time.

For the three years I've been in love with him, I would find new reasons every day to fall harder for this one boy who managed to capture my heart. I like the way he smiles. I like the way his face lights up when he talks about things he's passionate about. I like the way he works so extremely hard and sleeps so little yet never complains. I like the way he seems to notice everything around him but keeps it to himself and never gossips. I like him. I wonder who he thinks about this way.

For the three years I've been in love with him, it seemed as though the closer I got to him the further we actually strayed. I learned that he's not as quiet as everyone thinks he is. I learned that he has so many insecurities that so many people don't know about. I learned that he isn't the flawless genius everyone perceives him to be. I learned that there are still so many sides to him that I don't know about. I wonder if I will ever get the chance to learn more.

For the three years I've been in love with him, I've watched as he viewed me as nothing more than a friend. I watch him becomes so much more animated when he talks to someone else. I struggle to not let my dismay show on my face every time he chooses to talk to my best friend instead of me. I attempt to not feel hurt. I wonder if it works.

For the three years I've been in love with him, I've been reduced to being the cliché love struck girl in the stories that I thought were so silly. I've felt jealous every time someone mentions that he looks great with a particular girl. I've swooned every time he wore a snapback backwards on his head. I've felt content every time he initiated a conversation. I wonder if he knows what he does to me.

For the three years I've been in love with him, I never managed to put an end to my feelings. I thought I could get over him if I confessed. Instead, I somehow managed to fall even deeper. He was so extremely nice and sincere that I didn't even get the chance to cry over the rejection. I wonder how such a perfect guy can even exist.
For the three years I've been in love with him, I've wondered what it would be like if he liked me back.