Heat Meet By Hunter Nelson

“HEAT MEET” 2-20-23 DRAFT BY HUNTER NELSON

We hear steadily crackling fire. This is a cheaply made video

advertisement in the style of a local TV commercial.

ANNOUNCER

Some like it hot...

A high energy, appealing non-actor SUSAN appears.

SUSAN

And some like it “AWOOOO-GAH!”

A low horn says “awoogah” along with Susan, and the fire gets

louder and cracklier. Susan is joined by VICTOR, another

friendly non-actor. They sound happy. Short music cue plays.

VICTOR AND SUSAN

Vic and Sue’s Very Spicy Sauce!

VICTOR

We make it right here in Raleigh!

ANNOUNCER

A seriously hot new hot sauce, made

by real-life college sweethearts!

SUSAN

Tell your local grocery store you

want Vic and Sue’s!

Guitar twang, sound of the frame “burning” away. The ad ends.

VICTOR has been showing it on his phone to the FRONT DESK

woman at mid-grade hotel.

VICTOR

Aaand that’s it, that’s the ad.

FRONT DESK

Wow! So cute.

VICTOR

That’s my wife Susan who said “some

like it awoogah.” We couldn’t

afford to get it on TV in Raleigh,

but - it’s up on Vimeo, where

anybody can see it. We’re just

trying to take things to the next

level, whatever, we’ll see.

FRONT DESK

Here’s your room key.

2.

She hands him a little envelope.

VICTOR

Oh nice! Thank you.

She hands him a badge and a couple sheets of paper.

FRONT DESK

And here are your credentials for

tonight’s event. You need the

lanyard and the ticket.

VICTOR

Wow. Man! Look at that. “The Heat

Meet: Official Vendor!” I gotta

send a pic to Susan...

(quiet, high voice)

Look at that!

He sounds like he’s carefully taking several iphone pics.

FRONT DESK

Doors open at 6:00 PM. Convention

Hall C. There’s a discount at the

bar if you tell them you’re with

the hot sauce convention.

Victor’s looking through the paperwork.

VICTOR

So, hey, how does the judging work?

Do I tell somebody we want to be

considered for the Platinum Pepper

sticker? Do I tell you?

FRONT DESK

The hotel really isn’t involved

with the Meet beyond providing

space. Let me just generate your

wifi password here...

She’s typing, printing.

VICTOR

Oh, okay.

(kind of to himself)

‘Cause getting that sticker on your

label - that matters. To actual

restaurants and stuff. And I just

think - Why not us? Seriously. I

mean, people say the Heat Meet’s,

like, a tough nut to crack but -

it’s just hot sauce, right?

2.

3.

An older man - MR. CORRIGAN - pipes up from behind him.

MR. CORRIGAN

It’s never “just hot sauce.”

VICTOR

Oh, uh - sorry?

FRONT DESK

Good afternoon, Mr. Corrigan. Your

room’s ready.

She hands Mr. Corrigan something.

MR. CORRIGAN

Thank you, Melissa.

(to Victor)

Hot sauce is about limits. Limits

are about what is possible. Do you

know your limit, Mr....?

VICTOR

Uh, well, I’m - Victor. And do you

just mean...?

Mr. Corrigan sizes Victor up.

MR. CORRIGAN

Here’s my guess, Victor... You tend

to go hotter than you can handle.

You don’t mind a little lip burn,

but when the sweating starts - you

scare yourself. You back off. Is

that right?

VICTOR

Uh... Yeah. I guess, basically.

(quietly)

Wow.

MR. CORRIGAN

You’re a vendor, I see. Here’s some

advice. Attendees of the Heat Meet

come here to push past limits of

all kinds. Physical. Logical.

Metaphysical. They are not in the

market for...

(hint of a sneer)

“just hot sauce.”

(to Front Desk)

Good afternoon, Melissa.

He leaves. When he’s out of earshot, Victor, clearly a little

shaken, turns to Front Desk.

3.

4.

VICTOR

Yikes. That guy was intense, huh?

FRONT DESK

(smiling)

They’re all like that. Welcome to

the Heat Meet! Good luck tonight.

END COLD OPEN

BEGIN ACT ONE

INT. HOTEL ROOM

Victor is talking to SUSAN on the phone. We hear him unzip

his suitcase on the bed.

VICTOR

I’m worried about... my clothes.

SUSAN

What do you mean?

VICTOR

I packed the outfit I wear to the

farmer’s markets without thinking,

but - is it weird to wear shorts to

an indoor event?

SUSAN

Hmm. What else did you bring?

VICTOR

Uh - the sweatpants for the flight

here and the sweatpants for the

flight back. So -

SUSAN

Go with the shorts.

VICTOR

Copy. Hey, did we hear back from

that restaurant? Crawfellas?

SUSAN

I talked to Linda. She personally

likes the sauce but... all the

bottles they put out are still

basically full. They’re not gonna

order any more. Not right now.

Victor stands up straight and thinks for a beat.

4.

5.

VICTOR

This isn’t... going well, is it? I

feel like if we were good at having

a business, by now there’d be some

parts that didn’t feel - scary and

confusing. Do you think this was...

maybe just supposed to be a hobby?

Susan can hear Victor starting to spiral.

SUSAN

Victor...

VICTOR

‘Cause if we had never taken out

that loan or made such a -

SUSAN

Vic. It’s like you said. We just

have to break in. So go do what you

always do! Be friendly, be funny,

and - get that sticker!

Victor to takes a deep breath. Nods.

VICTOR

Copy. I love you, Susan.

INT. CONVENTION HALL - LATER

We hear the murmur of conversation as the early arrivals mill

around.

P.A. VOICE

Welcome to the 18th Annual Heat

Meet. Vendors, please make your way

to your tables. Visit SubConference

Room A for an event map and a copy

of the Official Sauce Guide.

PASSING VOICE 1

I think Mama Cane’s Corporal

Punishment Cayenne Sauce is a lock

for Platinum Pepper this year.

PASSING VOICE 2

Dr. Darktongue’s Throatroaster

Party Drip. Now there’s a sauce

with a lot on its mind.

Victor, rolling a large suitcase filled with glass bottles,

reaches a table near the back and finds someone there.

5.

(MORE)

6.

VICTOR

Oh hey. I think this is me - left

half of Table 11?

Neil is friendly, kinda nerdy.

NEIL

Yeah! Vic & Sue’s Very Spicy Sauce,

right? I’m Neil. Couldn’t find much

about you online! Your website’s so

mysterious.

VICTOR

Oh, uh - it’s not really finished.

Are you part of the -

NEIL

No, I’m just a Heat Meeter. Just a

common Heat Meeter. Can I try some?

I’m big on trying the new stuff.

Victor is excited - he remembers to be obliging.

VICTOR

Oh, absolutely! Just gimme a sec -

NEIL

We can break one open while you set

up! It’s no problem! I just like to

be first.

VICTOR

Okay, uh - Sure!

Victor unzips the suitcase and takes out a rack of bottles.

NEIL

Got my own bread, too. White bread

is my preferred sauce vehicle.

You’ll find a lot of club cracker

people in here. And of course the

real heads have those little

tasting wands with the removable

sponge at the end, ha-ha.

Victor talks while he opens a bottle for Neil.

VICTOR

I was just gonna put out chips. Are

chips okay?.... Here you go.

(watching Neil dip bread

in sauce)

(MORE)

6.

VICTOR (CONT'D)

(MORE)

7.

Yeah, honestly, I’m really gunning

for that Platinum Pepper, so if you

like us, please, spread the word.

Neil eats some bread with sauce on it.

NEIL

Hmm. Oh no.

VICTOR

(genuine alarm)

Something wrong?

NEIL

No no, it’s good when I say oh no.

This is some sauce, Victor. This is

an extreme and... complex heat.

This stuff could go the distance.

VICTOR

Really?

Neil’s nose is already getting a little runny.

NEIL

Yuhh... Uh-huh. Fair warning, I’m a

cryer. Hoo. I’m gonna need a bottle

of this. This thing’s got legs.

VICTOR

O-okay! Let me just get the credit

card reader going -

NEIL

You know what - grab a couple

bottles. Walk with me. I got some

friends I want to introduce you to.

Boiling oil sound again.

P.A. VOICE

Attention: The Spice in Sensory

Deprivation seminar in Breakout

Room D is at capacity. Happening

now in Conference Room A: “When

Your Family Says Too Hot Is Too

Hot: A Moderated Discussion.” And

in the main hall: Open Exchange.

Neil and Victor push through the crowd.

PASSING VOICE 4

Anybody got a Pirate Pete’s Palate

Peeler?

VICTOR (CONT'D)

(MORE)

7.

PASSING VOICE 4 (CONT'D)

(MORE)

8.

Will trade for a Burning Eddie’s

Brutal Goo, or a Habanero Hell

Nectar.

PASSING VOICE 3

I got a half rack of Mr. Monster’s

Smoking Uvula here. Bottled in 09,

when the Reaper crop went crazy.

VICTOR

Wow, lot of activity, huh?

NEIL

Oh yeah. This is Open Exchange.

Meeters are trading bottles from

their personal collection. And just

talking sauce of course.

PASSING VOICE 2

There has never - never - been a

significant English pepper sauce.

PASSING VOICE 1

What about Manchester Mike’s Barmy

Gob Flogger?

PASSING VOICE 2

I mean since then.

VICTOR

So do... these people pick the

Platinum Pepper?

NEIL

Oh no. That’s all up to the Prime

Taster. The Big Guy who puts this

whole thing together. We need to

get your sauce into an important

mouth. Somebody in the inner

circle. Lucky for you a lot of

vendors dropped out last minute.

VICTOR

Weird. Any idea why?

NEIL

Eh. Got spooked, probably. We have

a reputation, you know? For having

the conversations you can’t have at

the other hot sauce conventions.

Like... what are the psychiatric

benefits of extremely hot sauce.

PASSING VOICE 4 (CONT'D)

(MORE)

8.

NEIL (CONT'D)

9.

How has it shaped the course of

human events. And what does it

actually do to us?

VICTOR

Doesn’t it just - make our mouths

hot?

Neil stops walking to level with Victor.

NEIL

(quieter)

Yyyeah, but Vic, you gotta realize,

there are people here who believe

that spicy food - the pain, and

that rush - are part of something

bigger. A conduit to spiritual

fulfillment.

VICTOR

Whoa... How will I know when I’m

talking to one of those people?

NEIL

You’re talking to one now. I had

an... experience. With a red sauce

at a fish taco place. Don’t know

what it was, somebody peeled the

label off. But it was way too much

for me. I coughed, I gagged... and

then, I swear to God, I - I felt a

presence. My brother had passed

away a couple months before and... it

was him, Vic.

VICTOR

Oh... my god.

NEIL

He was with me. Reassuring me. I’d

do anything to feel that again.

(moving again)

Everybody here’s chasing something

like that. Your hot sauce is

somebody’s path to enlightenment.

They approach a few intellectual Heat Meeters arranged in a

semi-circle, lead by ERIN and CURTIS.

NEIL (CONT'D)

9.

10.

ERIN

- obviously if you could get large

quantities of good hot sauce to

troubled communities - like a

Sully’s Nuclear Hotpaste or even a

simple No Mercy Bud-Whanger - the

benefits would be -

CURTIS

That’s so patronizing, Erin.

NEIL

Hey everybody!

CURTIS AND ERIN

Neil!

NEIL

I want you to meet Victor, new

vendor I’m checking out. Victor,

This is Erin Panter. She writes the

Unofficial Sauce Guide that gets

passed around every year.

Erin nods graciously.

ERIN

Happy Heat Meet Victor.

VICTOR

Hey, great to meet you.

NEIL

Big film critic too. For the

Unnerve? The real deal. And this is

Curtis Trogg. A serious poet!

Writes all his stuff while doing

hot sauce.

CURTIS

I don’t write while I’m eating hot

sauce, Neil. I compose later while

reflecting on the experience.

ERIN

Tell us about your sauce, Victor.

Victor is nervous to have the attention on him, but tries to

bring up the friendly energy.

VICTOR

Oh, like - stats-wise? Sure! Sue

and Vic’s is an eight hundred k on

the Scoville, so blazing hot, and -

10.

11.

ERIN

Boo!

CURTIS

Oh come on.

VICTOR

What? What’d I say?

NEIL

(leaning over)

Heat Meeters don’t really believe

in the Scoville scale, Victor.

ERIN

(strident)

Wilbur Scoville was a pharmacist.

Spice was just biology to him! We

might as well be giant tongues

perched atop spinal columns. The

man had no spiritual curiosity.

CURTIS

Tell us what your hot sauce is

about, Victor.

VICTOR

About? Uh - I guess we wanted to

make a sauce that felt like -

hanging out and having fun. Some of

my absolute favorite times in life

have been just - drinking a couple

beers with friends while we burn

our mouths up, ha. Susan and I met

at a wing bar, actually.

Beat. This does not interest the group much.

ERIN

Where do you stand on introducing

hot sauce to the very very young,

Victor? Since earlier is better

when it comes to starting one’s

practice.

CURTIS

But children don’t want spicy food

because of how much it hurts them.

And therein lies the struggle.

ERIN

But they should have formative

memories of an intense sauce like a

Mad Mick’s Merciless Splash or

Triple X Tijuana Ragewater. Victor?

11.

12.

VICTOR

Shouldn’t you give a kid... mild?

CURTIS

Mild?!

ERIN

Oh God...

CURTIS (CONT'D)

Okay Mr. Khaki Shorts.

NEIL

Hey. Come on, he’s alright. You

really should try his sauce. Vic?

VICTOR

Right! Let me just -

Victor opens a bottle.

ERIN

Hang on. Curtis and I are wandies.

You’ll need to put a little in the

paper cup there.

VICTOR

Absolutely. Here you go.

Erin and Curtis eat it and immediately get sweaty, moan-y.

CURTIS

Wow. Uh-hua.

ERIN

Aoow - Goodness. I mean this has

got a grip on me!

CURTIS

This is really some sauce you got

here, Victor. Yugh. Hahn. Gets me

where I’m going... right away.

Victor likes the reaction, but doesn’t quite “get it.”

VICTOR

Thanks a lot. Yeah, there’s jolokia

pepper in there, and a scotch

bonnet variant, plus vinegar and

brown sugar just for tastiness, so -

CURTIS

(annoyed)

Neil, you gotta teach this kid to

keep his mouth shut. I’m sailing

over here and he’s -

12.

13.

VICTOR

Oh.

NEIL

I know, but - I believe in him,

alright? Actually, Erin, I was

thinking, could he talk to -

Duncan?

ERIN

Duncan Bernard? Ahh... so this is a

sticker play. Interesting.

Victor’s getting a little nervous.

VICTOR

Maybe I should just get back to my

table.

ERIN

He’s in breakout room E, doing his -

consultations. I’ll tell him you’re

coming, but - better make it count.

He hates having his time wasted.

NEIL

(grinning)

Great. Come on, Victor.

VICTOR

Okay.

(as he’s pulled away)

Uh, thanks for trying Vic & Sue’s!

If you like us spread the word!

INT. HOTEL HALLWAY

Quieter, away from the crowds.

Boiling oil sound. P.A. Voice crackles:

P.A. VOICE

Attention. The Representations of

Sauce in Hollywood panel has been

moved to SubConference Room C. Dr.

Reg Kenny-Falloise presents “Paying

The Piper: The Digestion Question”

has been moved to Deluxe Reception

Hall 1.

NEIL

I think Breakout Room E’s somewhere

over here...

13.

14.

Someone runs by, screaming in pain.

EYEBALL GUY

MY EYES! AAAUGH, MY EYES! HELP!

VICTOR

Is that guy okay?

NEIL

Eh. Every year the same rumor

breaks out that if you apply hot

sauce directly to your eyes you’ll

be able to see a secret race of

angels who control probability.

(pushing open a door)

Believe it or not there’s a dark

side to this stuff. Here we go -

INT. BREAKOUT ROOM E

They open the door. DUNCAN is mid-consultation with YVONNE.

He’s an exuberant, benevolent-sounding man.

DUNCAN

Your body has a memory, Yvonne. It

can hold grudges. Your deltoids

stop talking to your rhomboids, and

so on. And right now your cervical

spine has had it with everyone.

YVONNE

You helped my sister Deena so much

last year, Mr. Bernard.

DUNCAN

A very harsh ghost pepper sauce - A

Maniac Charlie’s Unkind Jaw Funk, a

Goodnight Ladies Lip Ripper - can

shock your system into realigning!

If... you follow my program.

YVONNE

I will. I promise I will. Thank

you. Excuse me.

She pushes past Neil and Victor to exit.

DUNCAN

Wonderful. Email Mikhail. We’ll

start remote sessions next week.

(noticing Neil)

Neil, right? And this must be Vic.

14.

15.

VICTOR

Yes sir. Of Vic & Sue’s. Here.

DUNCAN

Put it with the others.

VICTOR

Sure thing.

We hear a clink as Victor puts a bottle down among a huge

collection.

NEIL

He’s new to the Meet, Mr. Bernard,

but his stuff really goes the

distance. I wouldn’t bring it to

you if I didn’t think so.

VICTOR

My wife and I recommend using it as

a seafood sauce.

NEIL

(quietly)

Vic.

VICTOR

Oh but our friends the Caseys have

started using it on wings. There’s

a recipe on the - whoa.

Duncan has grabbed the base of Victor’s neck.

DUNCAN

Do you know you carry a lot of

tension here? At the base of your

neck.

VICTOR

I-I guess so. Wow, your hand -

burns.

DUNCAN

I’ve been squeezing ghost peppers

all day. My therapy begins with

touch. Would you like a

consultation?

VICTOR

Uh -

NEIL

Vic.

15.

16.

VICTOR

Yeah. Yes, please.

We hear Victor grunt uncomfortably as Duncan mashes on

different parts of his back.

DUNCAN

See how you’ve partitioned your

body into little nations of trauma -

how you’ve balkanized yourself?

Here, eat this club cracker.

VICTOR

Sure, thanks.

(he eats it)

Hey, so when you do get around to

tasting Vic & Sue’s, just know

we’re a small batch husband and

wife sauce producer from -

Duncan continues mashing.

DUNCAN

The body’s response to very spicy

food is one of panic, Victor. It

assumes it is in danger - under

attack. And so everyone must

cooperate - the mucous membranes,

the lungs - the sweat and saliva

glands. Bickering neighbors awaken

to a common threat. A separate

peace is reached! You see?

Victor’s mouth starts to feel strange.

VICTOR

Auugh - What, ah - what was on that

cracker?

DUNCAN

A milliliter of Sidewinder Sneak

Heater. In ten seconds you’ll

experience a brief but intense

ecstatic burn.

VICTOR

(scared)

R-really? Oh man, why did you - You

can’t just do that... to people!

DUNCAN

Relax. Open yourself to the burn.

It’s okay.

16.

17.

NEIL

He’s just trying to help you, Vic.

Victor is fully in the throes of a very bad hot sauce

reaction.

VICTOR

Aaauh oh God - I never eat this

much at once. Is there, like -

water? Or some yogurt I can -

DUNCAN

Yogurt?! Neil, I don’t think this

guy’s on the Heat Meet wavelength.

VICTOR

I-I gotta get outta here. You’re

nuts!

DUNCAN

Oh, I’m nuts.

Victor pushes out the door. He can hear behind him:

NEIL

Victor! Hey, Vic, wait!

DUNCAN

Let him run. He doesn’t get it!

(making sure he hears it)

He never will!

Victor runs down the carpeted hallway, breathing heavily,

pulling his rolling suitcase behind him.

INT. HOTEL BAR - MINUTES LATER

Pleasant quiet jazz plays as a ruffled Victor approaches the

hotel bar. Victor’s still going through it.

VICTOR

Hey. Milk. Do you have milk? I need

some milk.

BARTENDER

No problem.

Victor impatiently watches the bartender fix the milk.

VICTOR

I’m with the hot sauce convention.

The bartender puts a glass down and Victor chugs it.

17.

18.

BARTENDER

Right, I know.

An amused sounding MYSTERIOUS WOMAN sitting at the bar

addresses Victor.

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN

Your first Heat Meet, huh?

VICTOR

(breathing hard)

Uh-huh.

(to the bartender)

One more please?

(to Mysterious Woman)

I’m definitely blowing it though.

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN

Stella Reyes. I’m with the Tobasco

company. Take my card.

Victor stops gulping and looks at the card impressed.

VICTOR

Whoa. Tobasco. Guess I should have

figured you guys would be at the

Heat Meet. But still, dang.

STELLA

Oh, Tobasco’s not welcome at the

Heat Meet. They consider us a

corporate travesty of everything

they stand for. Hot Sauce Disney,

basically.

VICTOR

Aw, but you guys are great - on

like a turkey sandwich with a

little mayo?

STELLA

Thanks. My bosses make me come here

to see what I can learn through

osmosis. What happens in there

reverberates throughout the whole

industry, it’s no joke.

VICTOR

Ugh. Guess the whole industry’s

gonna find out what a loser I am,

then. Geez... Vic & Sue’s really

needed this, too.

18.

19.

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN

Can I try some?

VICTOR

I-I don’t have any of my chips.

Victor unzips the suitcase and pulls out a bottle for her.

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN

I’m old school, I just do a drop on

the finger...

(she tries some)

Wow, this is some sauce, Vic.

Assuming you’re Vic.

VICTOR

(tiny bit nervous)

Oh, yeah, Sue’s, uh -

She has a very brief moment of being overwhelmed.

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN

Hoo! Let’s grab a table, okay?

(to the bartender)

Hey, two more whiskeys.

Cut to slightly later. They’re sitting at a table. Victor is

loosening up.

VICTOR

I’ve just always had this suspicion

that something important was

missing. Like I wasn’t smart

enough, or I didn’t feel it enough,

or my instincts were all - just

permanently wrong. Turns out it’s

even worse than I thought. They all

know I’ve got no idea what I’m

doing! They smell it on me.

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN

Hey. Don’t let those freaks get

into your head. This is not a

complicated business! We hot sauce

makers are after a very specific

physical response. We’re

pornographers! Maybe we throw in a

little - tomato paste or brown

sugar to make it seem legit, but

that’s just plot. That’s the stuff

they fast forward through. At the

end of the day, your nose runs, or

it doesn’t.

19.

20.

VICTOR

But - I go over great at the

farmer’s markets. I just don’t know

how to talk to these people.

Stella sobers up a little. Something is occurring to her.

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN

Well, I do. And I can teach you.

VICTOR

Really?

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN

Sure. But then you gotta do

something for me. You gotta be

Tobasco’s man on the inside.

ACT II

INT. HOTEL BAR

Stella continues talking to Victor.

STELLA

You’ve heard of the Prime Taster,

right?

VICTOR

Somebody mentioned him, I think.

The Big Guy.

STELLA

Did they tell you he’s a defrocked

Jesuit Priest? Who saw God after

putting a triple X habanero on some

french fries? He’s got scary

charisma. The Manson kind. And a

sixth sense for where the hot sauce

market is going. Like, remember

when Sriracha went global?

VICTOR

Yeah.

STELLA

He called that two years in

advance. Find out what he’s

thinking. Sauces he likes. Peppers

he’s got his eye on. Anything.

20.

21.

VICTOR

Okay. I mean, I’ll try. But - how?

STELLA

Your sauce is very good, Vic. It’s

your presentation that’s a little -

She struggles for the words.

VICTOR

This is what I wear at the farmers

markets.

STELLA

Look, the key to talking to Heat

Meeters is, make them feel smart,

while reassuring them they’re gonna

get their little tongues singed.

It’s a formula. Spicy adjective,

plus traveling metaphor, plus

metaphysical bullshit. Got it? Like

- “this sauce will burn a fiery

road into your psyche,” or, “this

sauce will dig a blazing tunnel

through the astral plane, or - how

about this - Vic & Sue’s is -

CROSS-FADE to Victor back in the hall, talking to Curtis.

VICTOR

- Vic & Sue’s is... a flaming...

ladder... up to the... window... of

knowing. Sort of.

CURTIS

(impressed)

Wow. Window, huh? That’s actually

beautifully put, kid. May I?

He tries some sauce again.

CURTIS (CONT'D)

Whoa. This is the same stuff I

tried earlier? Here, there’s some

people you should meet -

INT. CONVENTION HALL - ELSEWHERE

Victor is addressing a small crowd. He sounds slightly more

confident.

21.

22.

VICTOR

Let Vic & Sue’s be the molten train

tracks between your chakras.

Please, give it a taste.

The crowd tastes. All begin moaning and coughing. Then they

mumble approvingly. Erin takes Victor aside.

ERIN

Not bad, Victor. Hey, I’m running a

New Frontiers in Throat Burn panel

in fifteen minutes. I think we can

squeeze you in if you’re game!

INT. MEDIUM CONFERENCE ROOM

Victor is talking into a microphone at a podium at a medium-

well-attended talk.

VICTOR

...which is why we call Vic & Sue’s

Very Spicy Sauce a red hot highway

to heaven. Thank you.

The audience claps. As Erin wraps up the talk in the

background, DUNCAN approaches Victor.

DUNCAN

(aside to Victor)

Really great stuff, Victor. And

hey, you’re standing more

confidently. Already seeing results

from our session I see! Ha ha.

VICTOR

Yeah, I guess so.

DUNCAN

I think we should get you in front

of the Prime Taster.

VICTOR

O-oh. Yeah? The... big guy?

DUNCAN

Sure, he’s always interested in new

discoveries of mine. He’s in his

suite on the third floor. I’ll tell

him you’re on your way up.

22.

23.

INT. ELEVATOR BAY

Neil and Victor are waiting at the elevator bay.

NEIL

The Prime Taster. I’ve always

wanted to meet him - and you pull

it off on your First Heat Meet,

wow. Good luck up there.

VICTOR

You’re not coming up with me?

NEIL

Me? I can’t go to the third floor.

I’m just a common Heat Meeter!

You’re on your own.

VICTOR

Oh. Well, I’ll tell you all about

it.

NEIL

Eesh, better not. Prime Taster’s a

pretty secretive guy. Breaching his

trust can get you banned from the

Meet for life.

VICTOR

...Seriously?

Ding. Elevator door opens, Victor walks in.

NEIL

There is one thing, though, if you

don’t mind...

(stars in his eyes)

I’ve always wanted to know how

he... takes his sauce.

The door closes.

INT. ELEVATOR

We hear the elevator moving slowly upward. Victor starts

psyching himself up, in a breathy whisper, like he’s about to

attempt an athletic feat.

VICTOR

Okay... Okay... It’s you... It’s

just you now... It’s gotta be

you... Just get the sticker... Get

that sticker for Susan... Okay...

23.

24.

Beat. Elevator is still moving up. Victor starts again.

VICTOR (CONT'D)

Don’t mess up... Don’t mess up...

Don’t mess -

INT. PRIME TASTER’S SUITE

We hear the elevator door ding. The door opens and we hear

exotic music - some kind of sound bath coming from several

places at once. We also hear the gurgle of an aquarium.

VICTOR

Whoa. It opens right into the -

(louder)

Excuse me, s-sorry, I didn’t

realize it would open right into

the room!... Hello?

MR. CORRIGAN

(from another room)

Please remove your shoes.

VICTOR

Oh, uh - absolutely. Just a sec.

Victor leans over to take off his shoes. Mr. Corrigan walks

in.

MR. CORRIGAN

We’ve met before, haven’t we?

Victor looks up. His heart sinks.

VICTOR

Oh. Y-yeah, in the lobby this

morning. Mr... Corrigan, right?

You’re the... Prime Taster?

MR. CORRIGAN

“Just hot sauce.”

(turns)

Come. Sit. Duncan Bernard tells me

you’ve made something exceptional.

VICTOR

(following)

Oh yeah? Well, the thing you should

know about Vic & Sue’s is it’s a -

like a sizzling - ramp up to, ah -

24.

25.

MR. CORRIGAN

(not unfriendly)

Oh, I don’t need you to - do that.

VICTOR

Oh. Sorry.

They sit in two large chairs in the adjoining room.

MR. CORRIGAN

I don’t get much from having hot

sauce described to me. Some of the

people down there like talking

about it more than eating it!

Corrigan’s warmth puts him at ease.

VICTOR

Oh, yeah. Some of them really take

this stuff to the - extreme, like -

MR. CORRIGAN

(interrupting, stern)

I should hope so. That’s what the

Heat Meet’s for, after all. May I

have the bottle please?

Ashamed, Victor hands him the bottle. Corrigan examines it

for a moment. There is vast wisdom in his voice.

MR. CORRIGAN (CONT'D)

I like hot sauce labels, Victor.

Sometimes they’ll have a picture of

a devil lady. Or an atomic blast.

Or a cactus wearing sunglasses. I

stare at them like - strange runes

over magical doors. But there’s no

image on your label. Instead you’ve

printed, “Made by college

sweethearts.” Why put that on your

hot sauce, Victor?

VICTOR

Oh, well - to us that’s just this

cute thing we thought people’d

like. Making Vic & Sue’s is

something we’d talk about when we

were dating. Kind of as a joke.

MR. CORRIGAN

Is it a joke now?

Victor realizes his mistake.

25.

(MORE)

26.

VICTOR

No! No way. After we got married,

we were like, if we don’t do it

now, we never will. So we took the

first step, and then the next - I

even took a business class! Yeah.

Borrowed some money... I-it’s

definitely serious now. Definitely.

MR. CORRIGAN

And what brings you to the Heat

Meet?

VICTOR

Well, uh... we want that Platinum

Pepper sticker! And based on the

reaction downstairs I think -

MR. CORRIGAN

(abruptly)

We gave the Platinum Pepper to a

jolokia sauce last year. I’m afraid

we can’t do two jolokias in a row,

we’d look like fools. I’m sorry.

This stings.

VICTOR

...Oh. Oh yeah?

MR. CORRIGAN

That must be disappointing. It was

very brave of you to make a sticker

play your first time out.

Victor takes a beat to absorb this.

VICTOR

Uh... Wow, okay.

Victor sinks into the chair. He sighs hard, like he’s trying

to control himself.

MR. CORRIGAN

Tell me what you’re thinking.

VICTOR

Oh, nah, I’m just thinking about...

what I’m gonna tell Susan. Sue.

Heh. (quick breath thru teeth) I

wish she was here. If we were just

together all the time - I’d never

have to give her bad news, you

know?

(MORE)

26.

VICTOR (CONT'D)

27.

Maybe it was dumb to think we were

gonna win, but - we had to do

something. We’re two years into

this thing and we’re... nowhere.

Put all this work, money into it,

and from certain angles it’s still

not even real. Which feels awful

because all our friends and family

know how we -

MR. CORRIGAN

So you came here out of fear. Fear

of embarrassment. Fear of failure.

Fear that what you’re doing will

never be real. Is that right?

VICTOR

I guess so. Yeah.

MR. CORRIGAN

Have you considered that the

failure, the pain - make it real?

VICTOR

But - what does that mean, though?

We gotta break into the business

somehow. And soon, or -

MR. CORRIGAN

You were just personally rejected

by the Prime Taster. It’s safe to

say you’re in the hot sauce

business. Vic & Sue’s is no longer

a party trick. A hidden talent.

Something you bring out to - “liven

up board game night.” You’re trying

to sell it to the world! That’s

going to hurt. And this is just the

beginning.

(leaning forward with the

bottle)

What are you going to do when a

complete stranger tells you this

tastes like s**t?

VICTOR

But... it doesn’t. So nobody would

say that. I mean, we know it’s

good. That’s not the problem.

MR. CORRIGAN

It doesn’t look like much.

(shakes the bottle)

A little watery on the shake.

VICTOR (CONT'D)

27.

28.

Victor is getting a little mad.

VICTOR

Well, respectfully, I think you

should taste it before you say

something like that, because it’s

really good. Even people who don’t

usually like hot sauce say so.

MR. CORRIGAN

Ah, the Soft Tongues dig it.

VICTOR

I mean it, though! I don’t know how

we made something that tastes that

good. Even I still use it - even

though it’s basically screwed up my

life and all my clothes always

smell like it now - I still love

it! Because... because...

MR. CORRIGAN

Go on.

VICTOR

(working up to catharsis)

Because somehow it tastes like us!

Like somehow we really did put

ourselves into it. People eat it,

and we watch them tear up, and

laugh, or even just go for more,

and we think good! That’s exactly

how we want you to feel! We worked

really hard on it and - we want you

to eat it and have fun! Even if -

especially if you’re a stranger!

MR. CORRIGAN

So that’s why you came to the Heat

Meet.

Mr. Corrigan stands and walks to a bag on the sideboard.

MR. CORRIGAN (CONT'D)

The sticker is a formality, Victor.

We basically have to give it out so

the government doesn’t classify us

as a cult. Later on I will try your

sauce. Alone, and straight from the

bottle. Please realize - if I like

a sauce, people will buy it. By the

crateful. Here.

He tosses something small into Victor’s lap.

28.

29.

VICTOR

What’s that?

MR. CORRIGAN

My current favorite. A packet of

Scorcher Sauce from a Tex Mex place

in Dallas called Daddy Poquito’s.

No idea what’s in it. But it’s the

wave of the future. My gift to you.

I want you to eat it in the dark.

See where it takes you.

VICTOR

Wow. Thank you.

(remembering Stella)

Um, so, what if somebody, like -

hypothetically, asked me to -

MR. CORRIGAN

Shh. Here’s an extra you can give

to Ms. Reyes from Tobasco.

Corrigan tosses another packet.

VICTOR

(chastened)

Oh. Uh -

MR. CORRIGAN

Tell her I know how hard the hot

sauce game can be. Goodnight.

Victor stands to leave. Thinks of something, turns.

VICTOR

What about you, Mr. Corrigan? Do

you make hot sauce?

Mr. Corrigan stares off, pensive.

MR. CORRIGAN

Victor, the hot sauce I make... no

one would understand.

INT. VICTOR’S ROOM

We hear the click-click of a lamp being turned off. Then the

buzz of a cell phone.

SUSAN

Victor? Hey, I wanted to see if I

could get you before I fell asleep.

29.

30.

VICTOR

Susan! Man, it’s good to hear your

voice.

SUSAN

Why are you whispering?

VICTOR

I guess ‘cause... the lights are

off. And I just squeezed a whole

packet of hot sauce onto a chip.

SUSAN

Whoa-a-a. So you’re having fun.

Wish I was with you. Going good?

VICTOR

I’ll tell you all about it

tomorrow.... Do you remember when

we made that first really good

batch? But we couldn’t even go into

the kitchen without coughing?

SUSAN

Yeah. And Harvey hid under the bed

on the other side of the house for

like a week?

VICTOR

Yeah. This has been really fun

to... try with you. Whatever

happens, I’m glad we went for it.

SUSAN

Me too. (yawn) I love you, Victor.

Call me in the morning, okay?

VICTOR

Copy. Goodnight.

She hangs up. Victor puts the phone on the nightstand.

He bites the chip.

We hear a mellow sizzle. Victor exhales through his mouth in

alarm.

A rumble. A sound like a comet is passing just overhead.

Victor moans through his nose just a little.

A drawn out tone, the slowed-down ringing of a bell.

Bubbling. All muted, submerged.

30.

31.

A sudden openness, like we just swam up for air. Victor

gasps.

Strange music. A gentle voice - all genders, all ages - says

three nonexistent words.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - THE NEXT MORNING

Early quiet. A phone is ringing, a few people are milling

around, maybe dispensing lemon water into cups.

Front desk is checking Victor out.

FRONT DESK

I’ll take your keys. And here’s you

receipt.

Victor sounds spaced out. His mind is elsewhere.

VICTOR

Thanks. Hey, can I keep this

lanyard thing? Like as a souvenir?

FRONT DESK

I see no reason why not!

Neil approaches from the elevator bay.

NEIL

Victor, good morning! Hey, sorry

about the sticker, man - you hear

they gave it to that Dr.

Darktongue’s Throatroaster Party

Drip? It’s all so dang political.

Victor sounds genuinely pleased to see Neil.

VICTOR

Aw, thanks Neil, it’s okay. Did you

have a good time?

NEIL

You kidding? Time of my life!

(quiet, close)

Hey, word is Prime Taster loves

your sauce. Nice work. People are

gonna start ordering Vic & Sue’s by

the crateful. Did, ah - did you

find out how he takes his sauce?

Victor relishes passing on the secret.

31.

32.

VICTOR

Straight from the bottle, man.

Neil LOVES learning this.

NEIL

Oh-ho-ho. Really? Wow. WOW. Woo!

(calming down)

How about you? Enjoy your night?

VICTOR

Yeah. I - I really did. I think - I

think I saw God.

NEIL

Ha! Yep. That’s the Heat Meet for

you. See you next year, Vic!

THE END