Apathetically Emotional

It's interesting taking a step back and finding out more about yourself.

Every day I wonder when I'm finally going to break.
I walk out every day and put on that smile. Only a few can tell when it's fake.
My eyes are cold and full of apathy.
Looking at myself makes me want to cry.
It reminds me of when I was young.
I'd talk to myself in front of the mirror because it felt like someone was telling me it's okay.
I used to think I had a demon following me. My own shadow.
Whenever I would get sad it would hug me.
Now that I think about it, I think it was just me hugging myself.
I'd sit on the tub we used as a toilet and cried.
As I grew older I always thought my problem was that I didn't feel anything.
I was cold to everyone and didn't care about them.
Then I remembered when I was younger I used to love everyone and everything so much.
I made things for my family, I bought them gifts whenever I had money.
I always wanted to be with them.
When they began to push me away It hurt.
I didn't know how to handle my sadness.
I started to be alone and avoid them to avoid any pain.
I started to spend more time with animals outside and pets we had.
I never wanted any animal to die.
I always tried to heal them.
It never worked.
I blamed myself for them dying.
"I couldn't save them." I told myself.
I'd watch them die slowly.
I cried. I cried so much.
I screamed at God for letting them suffer.
I would watch TV to forget what was going on around me.
New things interested me.
I loved to learn.
Always wanting to know more and more.
Everything was interesting to me. I loved everything.
I felt for eveything.
I wanted the world to be fine.
I wanted to be the one to help ease the pain.
I realize now that I always wanted to not care because it was easier.
It was easier and less painful to not care about how s****y everything is.
So I slowly put up a wall between myself and the world.
Of course I couldn't completely suppress it.
I helped those in need, but I couldn't do it for long.
I didn't want to care anymore.
I didn't want to hurt anymore.
I realize now, that my problem is that I care about everything and everyone.
I try to lie to myself about how much I care.
I'm afraid to feel so much again.
I'm afraid others will interpret my kindness in a negative way.
I'm afraid to be taken advantage of.
I learned to be a big tough assertive person because of this.
In reality I changed everything about myself just to try and get rid of this soft caring loving individual who feels so much.
I say I don't feel enough, but that's a lie.
I feel too much.